Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

@Creesla have you seen my post and I am not the only person going through this, it’s very common that siblings disappear when the going gets tough

I loved parenting my dd so much that I felt I’d hit the jackpot. I’ve got a happy, healthy child. Why would I ruin/ change something that I was loving so much for the uncertainty that adding another child would bring, for example medical needs or whether they get on etc.

I think I’m a great mum, not perfect but pretty good. I’m calm, patient, loving, spend a lot of time with my dd, listening to her, helping with homework, driving her to multiple sports, going to concerts, city breaks and far flung places. We simply wouldn’t have had the same experience if she had a sibling. My dd (15) is very happy being an only child. One of her friends mum recently had a baby with a new partner and she said ‘I would hate it if you had a baby. I love being an only child’.

we have an open house and her friends are always here, enjoying the calm and quiet (and pizza probably!). For the past two years we’ve taken a friend of hers on holiday with us (4 holidays in total) and it’s bliss- the friends don’t argue like siblings would so dh and I get a really fun and relaxing break.

I’m one of 5 and get on with all my siblings. My parents time and resources were massively stretched though.

100% - couldn't guarantee my own siblings would stick around and some of my friends have already had that experience! That said, disappearing or estranged siblings is still a very different experience to being the only one left. I just see how hard it is for my friends are going through it in recent years..

I have worked with older people, I have also cared for older relatives. We were asked for our honest opinion. This is mine. Why is at least 3 so hilarious to you? Its a perfectly normal number of children. Now my own parents are getting older and needing more support, id be lost without my siblings, despite me doing the most as I live closest, just having siblings to help out and talk to is such a help.

Having children is a personal decision that is based on personal circumstances and not other people's opinions or validation.

Because 3 seems the bare minimum you think should have and given how expensive life is nowadays, very few people have the resources or support to pop out at least 3 children. Very few people I know have at least 3.

And actually I'm one of 3. My siblings are about as use as a chocolate teapot. And I'm far from alone in this.

My advice would be from someone who works in a professional basis with older adults and their families would be to have the amount of children you feel comfortable with and are able to give your time and resources to. Nothing is guaranteed in life and I certainly don't think people should be guilt tripped or advised to have a specific number of children based on a hypothetical future situation.

@AyeDeadOnare you Northern Irish?

No issue at all. It sounds like you are responsible parents, unlike many who decide to sprog willy nilly and claim loads of child benefit.

I am indeed.

I only have an opinion because I was an only child
It was lonely for me growing up. I always envied those who had siblings. Even one sibling would have given me more confidence and a sense of belonging. But I know other onlies who were fine and probably enjoyed it.

Those people must be extremely insensitive (including the woman who was an only child) to discuss such an issue, and it seems particularly inappropriate at a work dinner. I am sorry that you had to endure this uncomfortable situation.

There are all kind of reasons for not having more than one child. I lived in the US between 1998 and 2017, and knew many people who had chosen to have one child as the US does not have universal paid maternity leave and many employers do not provide it, and childcare, healthcare, and college education is very expensive as well. You can raise a child in a two-bedroom or even one-bedroom apartment (many people do it in studio apartments in New York), but a second child often requires an expensive move.

I worked in an Ivy League university, and met many academics with as a single child who felt that having more than one would jeopardize their careers, which required working out of office hours and travelling for research and conferences. Many states can fire people "at will", i.e., without compensation or redundancy pay, and financial precarity also contributes. I think that we will see more single-child parents and families in the UK as the cost of living continues to rise and wages have flatlined.

I'd add that recent research (I don't have citations, I'm afraid) has demonstrated that only children are typically happier than their peers who have siblings, and that loneliness is not prevalent. Only children usually get more attention from their parents, are often more confident with adults and in social settings, and often their parents have more money to spend on them. Money is not the most important thing, of course, but it does buy childcare, sports equipment, extra-mural activities, and these things contribute to a child's confidence. I have several close friends who are only children, and they are extremely confident, sociable, and accomplished. Taking care of ageing and sick parents when one is an only child is challenging, but siblings often argue rather than working together, so that's not necessarily ideal, either. I think it's important that parents of only children plan for the future if they are able to do so, but there is no need to feel sadness or guilt about only having one child, whether by choice or circumstance.

Why would anybody think anything?

We chose to have one child and tgis didn't happen until I was 40 for various reasons The only judgment I experienced and was really annoyed by was a particular friend constantly asking whether we were going to have any kids at all. If you ever feel like asking someone that question, please don't. If they want to talk about it they will. My DC did go through a phase at primary school of wanting a sibling because everyone else had one - and the teacher did a lesson where she asked people to put up their hands if they had 1, 2, 3 and so-on siblings. That was pretty thoughtless!

I think ‘they are my people!’ - I’m OAD myself.
I know you still get comments sometimes from people who think their opinion is important .
DD is 8, and I’ve heard it all over the years about when and why I’m not having another.
Now I just say “I don’t really like kids” and that silences them 😆

Honestly, it doesn’t matter what people think. Even if they voice their thoughts, it still doesn’t matter and you don’t have to care.
x

Since unless they are close i don't know their medical situation i assume the didn't want more or couldn't have more neither of which are my business. I do feel a bit judgey when people have 8 kids plus and complain about things caused by that choice but i keep my mouth shut.

Some colleagues had only one child and all their expectations rested on that child. I think this could be hard on the child. Only children have no sibling to help with ageing parents.

The helping with ageing parents is nonsense. Regularly falls to one child anyway and causes all sorts of falling out many would find it easier to just get on with it without the extra hassle or annoyance of someone else's opinions and resentment at lack of helping etc.

I think if your kid isn't spoilt and learns to share and compromise and has plenty of contact with others his age then it's not a problem. Siblings help you understand that the world doesn't revolve around you which can be helpful in school work etc. They can also be great playmates but that of course is a bit potluck! I say the most important part of this is you - the woman has the baby, and birth her or him. That is huge. So I think it very much depends on whether a woman feels she wants to go through that.

I think highly of my parents and I turned out great!

Never thought anything - I do admit I sometimes feel a mixture of shock and awe at people with lots and lots of children (say over 4?) only as I struggle with three so they feel superhuman 😆

I had DS no problem; but then suffered 4 miscarriages and 4 early pregnancy losses. I had counselling and the counsellor said later, her job was to make me see, having another baby was not the be all and end all of my existence - I could be happy in a different life.

I did have twins by IVF privately; but saw some of the women in my cohort not get pregnant that cycle. I was 34 and one of the youngest. Most were older than me, after suffering endometriosis for 10 - 15 years - their chances of a take home baby were lower than mine.

I would never judge anyone for their choice to have no children or just one, because there may be a big back story, we don’t know about. I realised through counselling, people could have a good life childfree or with just one. Parents can give all their resources and attention to just one.

I wouldn’t dream of judging other people on this issue. What kind of shallow minded person would?

I am one and done but mainly because I came to parent hood late and my body decided for me, I would have had one more if I could but I think it might have taken my marriage. In retrospect it was the right decision for us. I was the youngest of 4 kids and went without a lot as a child I don't want that for my DD. I am in contact and friendly with my siblings but rarely see them and don't choose to spend time with them (but I know they would be there if I needed them) that is my only regret for my DD but she has lots of cousins if she needs family. I am putting in extra effort with play dates etc especially with other single kids.

I am a full-time working single mother to one child and, for me, it is a sensible choice. I am young enough to have another but have 0 desire to ever live with a man after living with his father; I can support us both on my wage even though it has got harder, and I can take him easily on weekends away to places like Legoland or day trips; his grandparents dote on him because he's their only grandchild also; we live on a friendly new build estate where there's loads of kids and they all go out to play with each other and round to each other's houses, and I make regular playdates with friends from school and extra curriculars so he doesn't get lonely. He has turned out a very kind-hearted and considerate child.
Sometimes I have brief regret that I'm not in a position to give him a sibling and there have been times he's asked about it - so many cartoons and kids shows they all have siblings, when friends have siblings - but we do very well just me and him. If anyone was judgemental I would chalk it up to some insecurity on their part.
I think with economic pressures and more uncertainty about the way the world is going, there are going to be more single child families in future.

In my view, the size of a family is down to a number of things:

1. choice
2. finances
3. medical reasons

None of these are any reason for me to be concerned enough to pass comment on anyone's decisions. Your life - your choice / decision based upon reasons only you and your partner know. The rest of us are irrelevant!