Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

It's a far better scenario than I see on some of the posts on here from posters who clearly have far too many children than they can cope with or stay with partners they clearly don't love just because they want more children.

The best thing a child can have is a stable upbringing with loving parents. They'll make their own family. There's a million things worse than being born to older parents with little extended family.

There's threads posted on here about growing up in large families and it usually mirrors these ones. Some people loved it as they do being only children. Others hated citing the fact they felt their parents couldn't cope with so many children and lack of parent attention and in many cases it led them to just having one child themselves. Just like you see some only children having more than one child!

So in conclusion, there's no perfect family size. People will usually find something to complain about. I have two brothers and wished for a long time I had a sister who I was close to. But there's no guarantee I'd actually get a sister I was close to and I have a wonderful childhood best friend who is like a sister to me.

No thoughts at all

Exactly, that's literally why I wrote that nothing is guaranteed as the final sentence of my post. It's all odds and probabilities. Having siblings or children is a protective factor but it isn't a guarantee as you get elderly. Same goes for an extensive friendship group or large community such as you find at churches etc. Obviously we can all go out and make friends or join some communities but we don't control how many siblings we have or sometimes how many children we can have. Someone that has all these things will be better positioned to face old age than someone with less or none of these things.

Blood is thicker than water is generally true for most people with the exception of spouses. Obviously this extends beyond siblings too. I have loads of great friends that I know I could rely on but I would turn to family first as would most people according to studies and surveys.

Also I'm not widowed myself. Again, don't know where you got that from.

@Bargepole45 one of your posts includes a sentence that states most of your comments are being made in the context of being widowed, so posters have assumed you are widowed

Ah apologies if that wasn't clear. I meant in the context of an elderly person being widowed. This makes a huge impact because normally spouses are the first line of defence so to speak when someone needs support. Without them we start to look towards friends and family and other networks more.

The number of children a couple chooses to have is their own business, but since you’re looking for opinions I think have a sibling is very beneficial for children. Helps them learn about sharing space, getting along, resolving differences, cooperation, etc. plus the relationship you have with a sibling is likely to be the longest relationship you have in your lifetime. All this isn’t to say there aren’t good reasons to have only one child.

I must say that all the adult only children I know are lovely people - kind, caring, very thoughtful and not in the least bit selfish (which is obviously a stereotype that tends to follow only children). Therefore I don't think a sibling is necessary to develop these qualities.

However I do think a lifelong relationship with a sibling can be a beneficial thing, assuming it is a positive one (which I know there is no guarantee of).

Personally I think it depends on parenting. I was the eldest of 5 and had to grow up quickly as my parents couldn't cope.

I see families with 3 or more and it looks more like crowd control and constant squabbling. The bond parents have with an only can be pretty special. You can feel lonely in any family no matter how big or small. Single children don't live in a vacuum.

I decided I didn't want lots of children leading to the eldest inevitably getting pushed into being mini parents. I didn't plan to stop at one but my daughter said she feels she had the best of both worlds. Spending lots of time with other children but then having privacy, quiet time and attentive parents.

Someone has started a thread stating only children are the reason why there is such bad behaviour in schools nowadays.

I think it’s no one else’s business/doesn’t affect anyone else and you should make choices that are right for your family/make you happy x

Nothing, never crossed my mind.

Nothing at all. I can't say the same for those wanting / having, their 3rd, or 4th, though.

Oh honestly! 🙄 This is just my personal experience, but I think only children tend to be quiet and gentle. They aren't used to arguments and fighting, and they are often keen to please, so I highly doubt they are the reason for bad behaviour.

I remember being in a soft play with my only when he was 2-3yr, he was playing with three boys, all siblings. His mum and I got chatting and she said 'is he an only?' I said yep, and she said 'I can tell'. I braced myself for some kind of nonsense, but she went on to say 'he's so good at sharing. My three hold onto their things so tightly cos they know the second they put it down someone else will snatch it and run off with it'.

It really stayed with me. Not saying siblings can't also be great with sharing, some of it is probably just personality and parenting. But it certainly echoed what I see in other kids who are onlies or have siblings.

That resonates for me. I'm the eldest of five, grew up in a small, over-crowded, poor household, and we were grabby and secretive and always looking sideways to see whether one of the others had our toy, or was wearing our knickers, or got given a bigger portion -- because there wasn't quite enough of anything to go round, there was no privacy or anywhere to store your own things, unless you literally fought someone off, and because I was the eldest and a girl, my mother (herself an eldest of a large family) thought I should be always the one giving in, accepting the least, handing things over, sharing, letting stuff go.

It turned us all into adults who are extremely keen on our own space, and four out of the five of us are childfree by choice.

I said having a sibling helps children learn these skills. I did not say only children don’t also learn these skills, and I definitely did not say only children grow up to be selfish people.

@feministmom4ever studies show only children are very good at learning those skills

It's the same lazy stereotype, though, like another spectacularly underthinking thread wondering whether bad behaviour in schools is due to a preponderance of only children.

The only thing having four siblings taught me was grabbing, hoarding and hiding, and, to this day, a genuine panic in restaurants with 'shared plates'.

This.

It's a personal decision and up to the individuals.

I know it's as if some people think only children live in a bubble with absolutely no contact with other children.

As I said previously, only child is a family size. It is not a personality trait. All the stereotypes people attribute to them can easily be applied to people who have siblings.

I can empathise with them on how they must feel on some level with the stereotypes. I'm a twin and used to seeing posts too such as "twins do this" and "twins feel this" as if we are all just one mass unit who couldn't possibly be individuals!

Those are all your words and your opinions. Don’t put them on me.

Consider the social evolutionary history of our species. Up until recently (1960’s) when effective birth control became widely available, it was very rare for a couple to have only one child. Our species has literally spent 100k+ years in an environment where multiple siblings were the norm. Only children are very much a new phenomenon. Many, many aspects of our current social climate are vastly different from what we evolved to cope with. I’m not saying any of this is bad or wrong, I’m saying it’s different from our evolutionary history. I’m an absolutely not hating on only children, just making a point about human history.

And the studies are showing that the lonely only, spoilt only that was peddled in the 60s/70s is rubbish

And surely that is what is important now

My mum was the youngest one of 5 and my grandmother said that she would have absolutely stopped after two if she'd had the chance as the family wasn't well off and of course it really affected womens' life chances. As it was the kids were very well spaced out for a time before easy contraception.

My DH is one of four and I think his mother felt the same and would have happily only had two. Again they didn't have a lot of money when he was young and I think she always felt frustrated with her life and the difference it would have made if she'd stopped at one or at least two. Her sister only had two so obviously managed the contraception somehow - or maybe just couldn't have more than two.

My mum did stop at one. But she had me when contraception was easy to get. so was able to stop.

I actually wonder if a lot of my parents generation even wanted to have kids. Lots more choice these days, fewer people feel pressure to follow the template and get married and have 2 kids.

My sweet mum told me when I was a teen that her biggest piece of life advice was to not have kids, she said it was just such hard work and not worth it. She was married with her first by 21, before she probably even really knew who she was or what she wanted. It was just the done thing. She would have had such a lovely childfree life reading and watching plays and gossiping with friends!

I got where she was coming from (my older siblings were tearaways in so many ways and caused no end of heartache) and felt very close to her and grateful she was able to be honest about it. She was such an amazing mum but it definitely took a toll on her. I thought very carefully about kids as a result and waited until my thirties to have one. She was long gone by then but I think she'd have been proud I was able to live my life first and then make an active choice to have a deeply wanted child.