Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I think it does depend on your age, and whether having children rests biologically on a quick timeframe.

But in general, 2 years is pretty early days in a relationship, not to mention your earlier attempts at bringing it up. You can't bully or pressure him into wanting to marry you.

Whilst obviously there are exceptions (that have ended well or badly), except when there's been biological or religious time pressures, I think it's more usual to look at a 4 or 5 year timescale, including at least a couple of years living together, before moving on to engagement and marriage.

Yabu + 4 months ago he advised he needed more time
4 months go by (no time at all) and you thought it would be a good idea to propose?!

Anyway, it seems he doesn't love you so just split rather than force him into a marriage he doesn't want

@ChangeAgainAgainAgain they each have one child (hers is either 9 or 15 depending on which previous thread you read, his is 8). She is 31, we don't know his age. They live some distance apart and he doesn't get on with his dad, rarely sees or speaks to him, despite him dad telling the OP she ought to marry his son.

Fair warning - the below is very blunt, but assuming you are both older than your early 20s (and a prior 7 year relationship on his part followed by two with you would suggest so),I think it's both true and necessary:

Ask yourself what it is he thinks he doesn't yet know about you or what marriage to you would mean/look like after being with you for 2 years.

The answer is nothing.

Very bluntly - and he may not even be fully conscious of this - what he is not sure about yet is whether you are the "best" he can do. That's no reflection on you, to be clear, but simply means he is not really in love with you and does not feel about you the way people should feel about the person they marry.
He has told you in so many words that be is perfectly prepared to lose you rather than marry you. That is your answer about how much he cares about being with you.

If you hang around for years it may be that you eventually get him down the aisle but it will be because no "better" (in his mind) prospect has offered in the meantime and due to pragmatic weighing of options given the probability of finding what he'd really hoped for at that point.

I think it's time to cut your losses. You only have one life and this would not be a happy way to spend it.

I think if someone says they're not ready for marriage 4 months is that long. either way he's said no as he's not ready which you know. so either end it or wait until he is ready and re-evaluate in a year

That specific statistic was here: https://bridebook.com/uk/article/how-long-should-you-date-before-getting-engaged but you see similar stats elsewhere- most couples get engaged in the 1-3 year period. It's not something that's recorded in official statistics so I can't provide anything better than that.

My point is that you haven't commented at all! People have been throwing figures about and yet you only need me to provide sources and have the sources analysed.

Do you disagree that most couples who get engaged get engaged within 1-3 years?

If they were to get married, which of them moves the distance and uproots their child? One of the children is 8, the other is either 9 or 15.

I agree with this.
He indicated he wasn’t ready, and basically OP, when he said ‘no’ you said ‘what if I leave?’ Maybe not quite a “marry me or else” ultimatum, but close.

Well you have your answer, hard though it may be for you. But would you really want to marry someone who you know you had cajoled into it, but who didn’t feel as committed as yourself? How would you advise a friend in a similar situation to yourself? What if someone was pushing you to marry them, and you were the one who was not ready?

How old are you and do you want children?

Think about it. Personally I doubt he'll ever commit.

Bridebook 😂

I didn't even see the comment you're talking about, it's a fast moving thread.

But would you really want to marry someone who you know you had cajoled into it, but who didn’t feel as committed as yourself?

You can just hear him already when things get rough...

'You know I wasn't the marrying kind, but you insisted.'
'You know I didn't want these kids, but you...'

OP would be paying for all eternity, for 'forcing' him into marriage.

I really don't get some of these replies about people SHOULD know if they want to get married after 2 years. Why should they? This couple don't even live together. I'd run for the hills if someone proposed after 2 years or less and didn't live with me and I had children to consider.

Whilst I wouldn't say it's inherently wrong, it's not for me and I guess there are others out there like that? Marriage is such a bloody huge deal. How can all you quick down the aisle lot not see not everyone operates at pace with MASSIVE life choices?

Neither of us would have been ready earlier than when we got engaged. V short engagement and babies a few yrs later. We've been married ages now. I'm not remotely worried my "husband was waiting to see if he could do better". Absolute tosh...some people's heads are so full of romance they forget ultimately marriage is a legal contact that comes with serious consequences when it doesn't work out.

There's no universal deadline 🤣🤣🤣

He told her he didn't want to get married and she asked anyway.

@Bikergran if you'd read the last two pages you'd see she is 31 and has a child aged either 9 or 15. We don't know his age but he has an 8-year old son. They also live some distance apart.

I can certainly tell if they are not marriage material, I'll put it that way...

I think 'if you know, you know'. You are either both planning a life together, or not. 2 years is plenty of time to figure that out.

They want different things from their futures. Sounds like plenty of repliers on this thread would be fine with the set up he wants. I wouldn't, and it isn't what the OP wants for herself.

I’d be pissed off if I had made clear my feelings about not being ready for marriage, and my boyfriend then tried to back me into a corner with it anyway.

Not everyone is the same. Not everyone is impetuous about these things. Some people are more cautious and like to be sure. That’s not a failing. It’s not indecisive and it doesn’t show a lack of feelings.

If he took seven years last time it seems unlikely that pushing it so quickly in a relationship was going to come off. I don't think it means he doesn't love you but some people process things more slowly and it probably means that when he says if he will truly mean it... but now you won't know...

I don't know what your point is but you're not making it very well.

Also next time OP don’t be so desperate. Don’t try to persuade someone to marry you. Have more pride than that.

He’s not that into you.

He won’t marry you.

He won’t even have a conversation about marrying you.

He says he has doubts about you.

You need to start getting dressed up and going out. Without him.

This man wouldn’t even marry his partner of 7+ years. He probably only proposed to her because he felt he had to. It likely ended because he wouldn’t set a date to actually marry.

When a man is interested in you he will make it known. He won’t become shy and awkward about settling down.

You need to make plans to exit this relationship. Start getting dressed up and going out. Be less available. He’s not that into you.

Being generous, it could be that the first relationship failed when marriage was in the pipeline and he’s scared. However, you don’t want to be waiting around for him to change his mind and the same could happen if you want kids and he can’t commit. So sorry, I think end it.

Did he clarify what more time meant?

I think while these reserved men can be shy about expressing their love etc it can also work the other way where they don’t express their doubts and reservations too.

I think if it took him 7 years for his last fiancée and you don’t want to risk waiting that long probably best to move on if he’s not clear with timeframes.

He’s waiting for ‘the one’ to come along.
it isn’t you OP

Don’t waste anymore of your time on him, it’s precious OP.

I am really sorry but he doesn't want to marry you. I mean if he did he would have proposed to you. For whatever reason he doesn't see you as "the One". I think you've invested two years in this man and he shows no sign of wanting to marry you. Personally, I think a year is enough to devote to a man to see if he's a serious prospect. Many years ago I was head over heels about this man who seemed in no hurry to get married. My father sat me down and asked was this man showing any sign that he wanted to marry me. I had to say no. The implication from dad was pretty clear. I gathered my self-respect and left. A year later I was engaged to a wonderful man who was keen to marry me and we've been married over 30 years. If men want to marry you they don't generally muck around - no gameplaying or "we need to talk" conversations.

You have clarity now. He doesn't want to marry you. You now have to take that information and decide on next steps. Hang around for years, knowing you're not quite good enough for him. Or cut your losses.