Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up.

In my experience, if they're really into you, all of that "guard up", "been hurt before" "not ready" stuff goes right out the window. It's an excuse.

Well if he took 7 years to ask the last one, (to marry him) he's in no rush is he? You don't say your age. I am guessing early to mid 30s? So you don't want to wait another 5-6 years!

I think 2 years together is too little time to be thinking about marriage anyway, but it really sounds like he is not arsed. Also, some men get funny about women proposing, because they feel it emasculates them.

Sorry @Sophie198643 .

(Patiently awaits the flurry of posts from people saying they met their DH on Christmas Eve 30, 40, 50 years ago, and they were married on New Years Eve the same year!) 😆

Seriously though, I don't know anyone who talked about getting married that quickly this century! For the majority of couples it was at least 4-5 years before marriage was mentioned, and another 2-3 years before it happened.

It was much more common to marry quickly when I was younger - but even DH and I didn't get married for 4 years after we met.

OP - I don't think you're unreasonable to think that between the conversation in August and the one in November, your DP definitely had enough time/space to think about what it might take for him to want to get married.

Therefore, I agree that another fobbing off in November would have been annoying. However, I think that was the opportunity to set your boundaries more clearly than you did do.

To just repeat that marriage was important to you, and with no commitment from him on what it would take for him to consider marriage you are now unreasonable to wade in with a proposal given nothing else has changed.

Though I do understand wanting to force the issue after 6 months and no actual progress.

Problem is, this might have been too nuclear an option to now row back from.

At least you found out before you wasted more time on him. In my experience, if a man dates for a long time without bringing up marriage, it's because he's waiting for someone "better" to come along. If you want to have children, you now have the knowledge that you need to break up with him and find someone who wants to have children with you.

Really? I only know a handful of couples who waited that long and most were divorced shortly after.

My best friend took 5 years to marry her late husband but that was only because the first two times they started the planning process she got pregnant. They finally tied the knot a few months after their second was born.

And my brother took a long time too but mostly because they met at the start of University and waited until they'd both settled in their careers.

2 years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone or not. Don’t be ridiculous.

If he has a previous 7+ year relationship that means this isn’t an issue of being too young for marriage. If he isn’t sure after two years, it is time to move on. If this was the right relationship for both of you, you would both be ready and eager to commit.

We had nearly 21 years between starting our relationship and marrying, but DH proposed numerous times and I said no, because I adored him but didn't want to get married. In the end I agreed because it clearly mattered far more to him than to me, on the condition we just did it with two witnesses.

Cut your losses now. Don't let those two years turn into ten years you wasted waiting for a man who was never going to want marriage.

@aloris they each have a child already. He has one aged 8, she has one aged either 9 or 15.

We clearly have different opinions on this situation. Let’s leave it at that.

He's given you his answer. Take him at his word.

Haha, this is almost hilarious. I’m the one who is ridiculous for thinking any sane person would want to know someone for more than 18months before even contemplating making a lifetime commitment. Right. And folk wonder why half of all marriages end in divorce 🤦🏻‍♀️

This. At least he’s not stringing you along like some guys do.

They don't.

Don't let him string you along, he clearly is good at the art of 'appearing what you want him to look like' including that of a loving man. I bet he is wishy washy on children too

I think yabu to hint/ask multiple times in a fairly short timespan and I'm not sure why you thought his reponse would be more positive, and the way you talk about how quickly you were certain he was the one and never having felt like this about anyone, etc, makes me think you're mainly in love with love, rather than with him. But I also think anyone who "has their guard up" because of prior experiences has no business getting into a relationship. He needs to sort his baggage out before he messes with someone else's heart. I would take him at his word and cut your losses, OP. This guy will always come up short imo.

I voted yanbu because it's understandable you feel upset and embarrassed, and anyone posting to say they're "cringeing" is piling on and needs to take a hard look at themself btw.

He may have a plan op and you rushed ahead? But if he plans to wait without giving you a time scale that is not fair. I find marriage proposals quite outdated. Why should women wait around for men to decide? Dp telling you he isn’t ready was not enough of an answer and it may be that you want different things.

He told you he’s not ready. You didn’t listen.
He’s also recovering from his last break-up / engagement.

OP, you need to gather your self respect and leave him.

Don’t worry about telling him or his feelings, because he has obviously chosen not to share his feelings with you. In other words it is Lies by Omission every single day. He is a spineless creature who deserves your absolute contempt.

He is not going to marry you ever. He is never going to be there and in any case he is just “Too Little Too Late” in his character.
This avoidance will hollow you out and ruin your life.

Honestly you have to leave, even if you married he will blame you for every problem, forever, because you forced him into it.

I think the relationship is over, honestly. You have pushed things to the wire, and there is no coming back from this unless you both can open up in new ways and take things back a few steps and very, very slow. I would guess this is not about marriage but about a niggling insecurity you want to assuage. Marriage will not do that. As an aside: 'love you more than anyone else' is a silly marker. It doesn't mean anything. A marriage is not about undying love but the practicalities of life and a secure union where you can both feel safe and supported. You don't feel safe, and he doesn't feel ready, so getting married is not a good idea.

My brother did this. Kept his perfectly nice girlfriend on a hook for about 8 years and then dumped her and was married to the new girlfriend within a year.

I think you made a serious error of proposing OP particularly when you knew he was ambivalent and hesitant. Unfortunate the cliches are true here, men prize what they perceive as hard to get and easily lost and for you that is gone.

You have no choice but to split up really unless you are happy to tootle along in a sex/companionship/non serious type of thing.

It depends on the age. Anything above 30 I think 2 years is enough to know if the person is the one. Under 30 perhaps 3 years. If he said no, I would move on from this relationship.

I think you’ve been fantastic in asking and you’ve saved yourself a lot of time pondering how he feels about you for years while you wait for him to ask you and then he doesn’t.

this is painful but helpful. You will find someone else who cherishes you. This isn’t the man

There is a very simple but very important lesson that I have drummed into my DDs If he is making you feel uncertain, upset, vulnerable or confused then he's just not that bothered about you

It really is that straight forward. The right man will always make you feel better, happier and more confident.