Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I know - as if all men are exactly the same.

If he loved you in the way you say, he wouldn't say splitting up with you would be preferable to marrying you, especially as he knows how much it means to you. I think 2 years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone, unless you're going to say you're both only 21 or something. In that case it's understandable he wouldn't be ready.

Yep... AS is great. I wish I remembered to use it earlier in threads like this though 😂

The ONS statistics have nothing to do with length of relationship prior to engagement, cohabitation, etc.

The other link is a very old American study which is just not relevant to the UK in 2026. For one thing, it states that just 43% of couples cohabited beforehand, which is a world away from the UK today.

I'm a woman. If I was to divorce my husband and be dating again, I definitely wouldn't be considering marrying a new person after 2 years.

What's with all the "don't let men control you" 🤣🤣

Surely some people are just more considered about life choices and clearly some are desperate to legally attach themselves to someone without understanding them fully. 2 years really is not long. It really isn't. I've known too many settle way too quickly to be completely and utterly surprised by character developments of their partners or to learn that they're abusive, hence the rush to lockdown the relationship.

Ultimately OP is within her rights to want marriage but It isn't logical to ask someone who has told you they don't want it.

This isn't a case of being "strung along". He doesn't want to marry and told her and she asked anyway.

You sat down and had a conversation about the future. He said he needs more time and then 4 months later you propose, it shouldn't have been a suprise he said no?

He doesn't want to marry you. Either at all or at this current time. You need to either move on from thia relationship or come to terms with not getting married. Since marriage is important to you, this is not the guy for you.

As for hem being a future faker or stringing you along depends on what he has been saying about the future.

Children - okay to say you need more time.
Buying a house - okay to say you need more time.

Marriage - this is a question of commitment. If you throw away the big ceremony, the family politics, the children and houses etc then fundamentally this is about commitment. If they are not sure they want to commit then they do not want to commit.

@BudgetBuster I think I was typing as you were posting! Sadly I suspect many will continue replying without reading all the background info.

I’ve not read the replies but read your OP and really feel for you because the same happened to me. I was hollowed out and felt stupid. My advice is to split up. We did but stupidly got back together and married a few years later. It was a huge mistake and I wish I’d listened at the time. People always say that if a man wants to marry you he won’t waste time in doing so. I think this is very true. He’s currently been talked into marriage number two with someone equally unsuitable and it’s dead in the water before the nuptials even begin. There’s someone out there who will jump at the chance to marry you. I’m sorry you are feeling so rubbish. Take time to heal and look after yourself.

Yep, it sounds very much to me like anxious attachment (op) meets avoidant attachment (him). A recipe for, well maybe not disaster if they can find their way through either good comms, but a mismatch in emotional styles, does make life a lot harder.

If you are 20 and 22 then you might have jumped the gun. Age does matter where marriage is concerned. Why did you omit your ages? 2 years doesn't seem like a long time to be in a relationship before getting engaged. Aren't there studies showing that after the 3 year mark our brain chemicals change from romantic love to something deeper and more lasting. It's only then that we know if we might be in it for the long haul. That said, so sorry you had to go through this, OP. Keep your pecker up.

What's the rush?

As one of these women who has been strung along, I completely agree. I've wasted almost a decade with somone who has now outright refused. I'm 50 years old so the last decade felt like critical time-period in which to develop a lifelong partnership. I've quietly promised myself I won't be sharing retirement with him but right now, can't be doing with the upheaval of selling the house we bought together etc.

My husband was engaged for several years to his ex.
He freely admits he got engaged to stop her going on about getting married.
He met me, split with her and we got married pretty quickly. Its been almost 30 years now.
When you know, you know. If he doesnt know now... he probably won't.

Which statistics in particular do you want? Because a few have been mentioned and they are not all in the same location!

I notice you haven't reacted at all to the poster who said that 50%+ of marriages end in divorce (wrong!) or the one who said that more than half of marriages end because people give up at the first hurdle or as soon as they have kids.

This is why I said to Google it yourself because you have obviously decided you don't like what I'm saying and won't accept the sources I give. There's more than one about cohabitation to marriage and I just picked one at random, from, as I've said multiple times, the first page of Google. That's my source. It's good enough for me, for the purposes of this conversation, because I'm not trying to do a metanalysis and have it published, I'm just talking about stats I've seen on this matter.

They key thing is....if you wait until you have been together 7 years (as you said he previously proposed after 7 years) and then he still doesn't want to marry you, and you end up in the same situation as now but 5 years older (with 5 not that great years together to show for it as you were always wondering).......what then? Do you want kids? Would you still have time?

I spent most of my 20’s with a partner that kept me hanging on for 8 yrs then said he lied he had no intention of getting married, I gave him an avenue to split up he cried & didn’t want that instead he cheated, now that was my get out of jail card I chucked him out, he contributed nothing, took me a long time to get over how cruel he became overnight. My advice to you your love is a precious gift do not give it away to someone who doesn’t give back that love. It has nothing to do with you it has everything to do with him. Leave make a new life for yourself.

They both already have kids. Don't live together. OP is 31.

Edited for typo

Age is the most important issue here. If you are early 20s, then fine, but he's likely to drag his feet about moving in, babies, buying a house.

I'd back right off now. You've made your point. As much as it hurts, I'd consider he is not the right one.

The OP didn't say that - where have you got that information from?

He does sound like the future faker type and that he's stringing you along. Particularly given his history with his previous partner of waiting seven years to propose and still not making it to the altar.

If he doesn't know after two years then I don't think he ever is going to know. I wouldn't want to marry a ditherer anyway and particularly one that "has his guard up." Communication is key in a healthy marriage and this guy doesn't sound like he's on the same page as you.

I wouldn't waste any more time to be perfectly honest, particularly if you want children.

If you read my posts, I asked you about the "64% of couples get engaged within two years" stat.

I never commented at all on the overall divorce statistics so no idea why you're having a go at me about that. I haven't tried to suggest anything that's untrue there.

You've been together under 2 years so im unsure what the rush is? You asked him FOUR months ago and he said he wasnt ready..yet you went ahead and proposed anyway? Did you think/hope he would say yes just to keep the peace/make you happy even though he had expressed his feelings on the matter already.
You than gave him a (bluff) ultimatum and are upset that he followed your lead on it and essentially called your bluff. I dont think he has actually done anything wrong.

How is your relationship otherwise does he gibe you reason to question his feelings?

What Im taking from this is he doesn't want to get engaged to you now. If it's otherwise a good relationship I suggest you set yourself a time limit - you dont gave to wait indefinitely til he's "ready" . Equally it's fine to walk away now, especially if he didn't elaborate after his initial "no".

I will say though that I have a friend who turned down her boyfriend's proposal because she wasn't ready, but then proposed to him 18 months later and they've now been happily married for 20 years. So "not now" doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad idea long term (nb: my friend didn't want children so there was no time pressure in that sense. If you think that you might like children if you meet the right person, then please dont hang around too long for this guy).

Advanced search the OPs previous threads.