Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I've seen both of these scenarios in my family.

Some incredibly daft comments on this thread...

OP don't waste any more time on this man and move on.

If your goal in life is to get married and start a family then this is not the man for you.

Two years is more than enough time for someone to decide if he is "ready".

Frankly I would not waste that much time on the next man/men you date and instead make sure you move on after a few months if the relationship is going nowhere.

Too many women still allow men to string them along while their needs are not met.

He is perfectly entitled not to want marriage but equality you also have the right to move on to find someone who does.

Jeez. If i was him I’d be running for the hills. The relationship is less than 2 years old. He has been open that he needs more time and you have ignored his feelings, railroaded him and more or less issued an ultimatum. That’s never going to end well, and hardly a basis for a happy secure marriage. The poor bloke is probably blinded by all the red flags.

Sorry op i voted YABU

I agree with the others that have said it is still early on in the relationship to be cajoling him into marriage. From your timeline it sounded like you were pushing him from about 18 months into the relationship.

This is really tough but you must look at it as you’re better off knowing. I think this is the end of the relationship.

Honestly, good for you for taking your future in your own hands and proposing to him rather than sitting on your hands. I'm sick to death of women complaining that their partner they've been with for a decade still hasn't proposed and when will he propose and I need him to hurry up and propose, instead of taking matters into their own hands and just ASKING him themselves. Unlike them, you now know where you stand. 2 years isn't a long time, but for many people it's long enough, especially when they know they've found the one. Clearly it isn't for him. What you do with that information is up to you.

Good for you for having standards OP. Two years is plenty of time to know if you want to marry someone or not. Far too many women get strung along for years.

Sorry to hear this.
Wave him goodbye and find someone who loves you.

Time to end the relationship. He’s using you until Mrs right comes along!

@Sophie198643 I thought I recognised your name from a post about a football game recently... and I was correct. I did an AS and it appears that you are 31, have 2 kids and your partner also has a child but you and your partner live quite a distance away from eachother.

This further makes me think he'd be best to run for the hills. Between the physical distance, the 2 Yr relationship, and the fact yoh would be trying to blend families I just dont think marriage is the next step for you all.

@Greenwitchart my husband wasn't ready for marriage after 2 years. But then he was only 26. A few years later he was. Age is important here and life stage. It is not "daft" to take the concept of for better or for worse, till death do us part in earnest. What is daft is asking someone to marry you who's told you they aren't ready and attempting to brow beat them into it. This is about male control....it's about OP acting without listening to what she was told. She should leave though if marriage means more to her than being with the right person. I think the relationship is done for now anyway as she's tipped the power dynamics a bit and will always wonder now even if they marry later, if he was convinced more than willing.

I am biased as my husband proposed very early on in our relationship. He always said when you know you know. Although we did have a long engagement as young. We both wanted kids and being married before children was a deal breaker for me.

Did he just say “no”. If so don’t waste any more time on him. If a “not right now, I want to propose when I’m ready” then it’s up to you. If he’s the only one for you then does being with him outweighs the not being married?

Could he be still in love with his last fiancé?.

If you were that smitten with him Op you’d want to be together regardless of being married or not. Do you think you’ll feel the same about someone else and then what happens if they don’t want to marry you?

Any man who says that past hurts mean he holds back his love from you is cruel and avoidant - and pathetic.

Do not give him any more chances. He is leaving you hanging and constantly wondering about his love.

Exactly! This man is/was never going to marry the OP.

I am actually really surprised by the fact that so many people on the thread are implying that the OP "blindsided" him or that it was too soon for a proposal.

He has already wasted two years of her life!

It is mindblowing to me that so many women would let a man dictate their future and accept second best...

This isn't a scientific research site and I don't have access to scientific journals or whatever. I'm stating what's on the first page of a Google search, based on studies I've read in the past.

I've mentioned a few things so here's the ONS summary of marriages and divorces:

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/bulletins/divorcesinenglandandwales/2022#:~:text=In%202022%2C%20the%20divorce%20rate%20for%20all,and%206.3%20years%20for%20female%20same%2Dsex%20couples.

Here is one source for the cohabitation/divorce correlation:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5956907/#:~:text=Those%20who%20cohabited%20before%20engagement,all%20until%20marriage%20(40.5%25).

I can't find the stats for length of courtship to likelihood of divorce, I know that I have read in the past that 3-5 years is optimal and 5+ years is more likely to end in divorce, and this is borne out by my own experience.

I think you need to cut your losses, no matter how painful it will be. He doesn't want to marry you.

Believe me, I was in this situation - I wish I could tell my 30 year old self to run away fast from a man who won't commit. I wears you down and your self-esteem disappears. Be brave and dump him.

Big hug

OP you asked what to do now… Well you asked , he answered, you have to respect his decision. You are entitled to have your timeline for wanting marriage and so is he.

As you can see, you both are not on the same page, and you need to accept that.

whether you decide to move on and meet someone new and stay true to your wish to create family soon or just to stay with him for a while… here is a good blog post that likely help you to understand why this has happened…

https://www.samiwunder.com/he-loves-you-but-still-wont-propose-heres-why/

This happened to me. It's horrible. Run for the hills.

This!!

Makes me think of that 'Hes just not that into you.''

So many men do this. Don't waste any more time on him.

Agree.

And then you see them on here 10 years down the line, SAHM, 2 kids and no rights to property or pensions as they aren't married and they're splitting up and his name on everything.

I have a fairly low opinion of men in general, but reading this thread I actually feel quite sorry for them. Especially this poor bloke.

I’m off to knit a scarf with all the red flags in this thread 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Regardless of your age, don't give this man further opportunities to reject you, cut your losses. I've seen so many relationships like this; guy doesn't want to marry, drags things along for years, they break up and he's engaged within months.

OP is 31. She has a 9-year old son (although on another thread her son is 15). Partner (who she gets on really well with) has an 8-year old son.

They live together half of the week, the other half partner is with his son.

Interesting that partner's parents told them he ought to marry her, because apparently partner hardly ever sees it speaks to his dad because they don't get on. Indeed, because of this, partner's dad has only met his grandson a handful of times.

I feel sorry for him, you haven't been together that long and you are trying to rail road him into marrying you when he has said he needs more time!! 2 years is hardly anything.