Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

That was really unnecessary. You might disagree with another poster's lifestyle choice but there is no need to attack her in such personal terms. You don't know the reason why her relationships didn't work out - and it's none of our business.

The point was sensible. It doesn't merit a slew of responses about her 'selfishness', as another poster has mentioned, or using men as sperm donors. Marriage is not a guarantee of anything. No one goes into a relationship with the intention of splitting. When relationships go wrong, as they do all the time, it's not automatically because of poor judgement on the part of the woman. Look at all the threads in this very site where a man has turned abusive as soon as the woman becomes pregnant: it's a known trigger.

Surely it is admirable for a woman to ensure she's financially sufficient, and can support herself and her children should it come to that. This site is keen on berating women who don't do that, and now one's being blamed because she has.

Women can't win.

Actually there was every need.
That specific poster has taken jabs at almost everyone here.

Can you blame her?

She posts for advice on one point and some posters have taken it upon themselves to dredge up her entire posting history because she's chosen not to share her whole life on this one thread.

People can choose to invest their time engaging with an OP or not, but I'm not keen on reading a thread devoted to others' tedious detective efforts. There's always the option of reporting someone if people think their posts are not genuine.

Idk, if one person wants to get married and the other doesn't because of a family-blending type situation, fair enough. But they should still be frank about it and set the other person free imo. The boyfriend in this circumstance strung his last partner on for seven years! That's not really on and doesn't bode well.

Whatever the back story, it's a horrible thing OP is going through currently so I wish her well.

Why did you propose to him if he said he wasn’t sure yet? Surely that was just setting yourself up for failure? IMO 2 years is not long enough to know if you want to marry someone. I’m a bit like your partner, very, very cautious about marriage because I’ve seen so many around me fail, people cheat, especially with my parents growing up. It’s made me quite jaded about the whole thing. I’m not against it though, with the right person. But I’d want to be with someone for 7-8 years before making that commitment. After 2 years you might know that they’re the one regarding how you feel about them. But you can’t know if the relationship itself is going to be stable and able to withstand difficult times. Yes, most people get married then deal with all that but I’d prefer marriage more to be a celebration of true, everlasting love rather than a hopeful celebration of what could be. Not very romantic I know, but more romantic than getting divorced a couple years down the line. Maybe your partner thinks like this? I couldn’t imagine breaking up with someone I was in love with because they didn’t want to get married. I understand people leaving if one of them does/doesn’t want children - that’s something that dramatically alters your life. But marriage doesn’t alter your life at all. At the end of the day it’s just a piece of paper

He’s probably not sure he can commit to someone who uses the word ‘anyways’.
And I don’t blame him

I don't understand why anyone can date someone for 2 years and not be sure if they want to marry them. or at least set up home together if they don't believe in marriage (which is valid enough.)

If that's the case, where is the relationship going?

Adults in their 30s usually know their own minds a bit more than 20-somethings.
They either see a future in a relationship or they don't.
If they don't, they should end it.
It' s not fair on the other person to string them along.

Two years is really not a long time to be together before wanting to get married. I was with my first husband for 3 yrs before our wedding. The marriage lasted just 17 months. My now husband and I were together for 7 years, lived together for 5 years and celebrated 19 years married this week. I feel like I just jumped into my first marriage without knowing him properly. He wasn’t a bad guy, just not for me at the time.

Why do you think it hasn't been ten years?

One person has decided to push the idea of marriage on another even though they don't live together, won't live together anytime soon, spend a few days a week together, and has been told that person isn't ready.... I think that's a huge red flag (to the partners DP). If I were him I'd run a blooming a mile.

Obviously being told no is brutal and must be very hard on the OP. Nobody is denying that. But she's trying to force something she already knew the answer to.

Thank you for your support.

I do see this as indicative of a certain way of life/culture than anything malicious. If you come from a background where women are always "marrying up" and so are always the poorer party in a relationship, then this idea of marriage being absolutely necessary for a woman's security is all you know.

That hasn't been the case for me. If I was married, I would have lost some of the security I built for myself. Perhaps I'd be exactly the same but I definitely would never be better off than I am now.

That is the case for many women from the working classes and even lower middle classes. There isn't the same gendered differences in salary a lot of the time, particularly since we have cut the number of vocational qualifications like apprenticeships and working class boys have been doing so poorly in school compared to their female counterparts.

It's more likely to the woman with the stable career, pensions etc.

I haven't jabbed anyone. I said what I think people should do in a specific circumstance.

Harsh but, although you feel he's your 'one', you may not be his. Or you may eventually be right for each other, but you're not at the same place in life at the moment. Personally, if he's the sort who took 7yrs to propose to his previous girlfriend, he wouldn't be the one for me. You either know it's right, or it's not. If he doesn't know after 2 yrs that there's a a future with you, what's he hoping will change in a year or 2?

I think you know where you stand now, and you're wasting time and life by staying to wait to see if he's ever ready, but it is an option, if that's what you want.

Ouch. In his defence he did say that he was not ready.

She may have been happy to wait 6 years for a proposal but lots of women are not. Doesn't take 6 years to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

Frankly you have no right staying with someone for almost 2 years if you already know deep down they aren't your forever person. That's lazy and cowardly and unfair. But he hasn't said that. He's said he loves her very much, He just needs time to be sure and doesn't want to be rushed. He's had one broken engagement already, perhaps he doesn't want to be known as that bloke with a string of them.

If they'd been together for 10 years and she was 35 and desperate to know where she stands before starting a family, I'd get it. But it's been barely two years and he's already told her he's not ready.

You have only been together nearly two years.there is no rush,still in the lovey phase.

This is epitome of classic, unnecessary Mumsnet nastiness. It’s just gross.

OP said ALMOST two years, given their brash rushing of the relationship that could likely mean anything from 19 months onwards.

Almost 2 years isnt a long time, especially if theyve warned you they aren't ready to talk about it yet. Its not a case of when you know you know with marriage - many people love each other but wait to get married cos its the sensible thing to do.
Clearly he was with his ex for over 7 years, he presumably thought it was right with them and then its fallen through.

You've done a few things here:
1 - you seem to have let his family start the race to the aisle, they mentioned it and you've barrelled ahead.
2 - you asked, he said not yet then less than half a year later you've asked him instead of bringing up the conversation
3- you say youre so in love with him but giving someone an ultimatum is not what a loving person does

Youre in the wrong here. Apologise and explain you need to know if kts one day or never and that if its one day thats fine you'll wait for one day.

A marriage is just a piece of paper at the end of the day.

I wouldn't have said yes after being with someone for two years. Bit quick for me, how ever much l was in love with my partner.

It's only been 4 months since he said he wasn't ready and needed more time . Id actually feel like I hadn't been listened to if someone just proposed anyway.

I hate this attitude! I've been with my fella for 23 years without being married! You are perpetuating a myth that relationships are worthless & bad unless there's a wedding involved! There's no law that people have to marry and less and less are bothering! It's the people that are insecure, needy and demanding that have bad relationships! The OP needs to calm down and drop her obsession for marriage! The partner is probably in tune with the fact that his relationship ended in a close call if he'd gone down that aisle beforehand!
People that behave like this are just throwing good relationships away for the sake of a commercialised expensive ceremony that won't stop your relationship going south! It you've got a man that you have a happy relationship with and you love them, more fool anyone throwing that away! Not many men want to be pressurised into marriage with the first two years of being together and relationships will keep on ending. And not every man you choose next will be a good man!

If you are happy with not being married great but many men and women do believe in marriage.

A wedding certainly does not have to be expensive. My wedding was very inexpensive but it meant a great deal to DH and me. We both believe strongly in marriage.

Also a lot of women would not have a child without first being married and that is fair enough.

It is, but they need to get cracking.

A lot of us believe in marriage @FlyingCatGirl. I was quite happy to live over the brush but my bloke wanted to be married so we are. Methink the lady doth protest too much.