Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

At least you know now and you’ve only spent two years with him. It’s time to move on now.

If you’re both 18, yabu. If you’re 35, yanbu I would be concerned about getting strung along if you’re keen to have kids.

Took my husband six years b4 he proposed to me. I was begining yo think he would never ask too lol, we been married for 20 years now.

We had had a long distance relationship for FOUR years (seeing each other every 6 -8 weeks or so) it was really hard. I had talked about marriage, moving in together (which meant him packing up his life, or me) but he wasnt ready to commit. So i didnt push him ... My friends told me to leave him, told me he would never commit or marry me, but I loved him & knew that we would be together.
So 🖕 to those friends ... (who BTW arnet my so called friends anymore either, but thats another story)

Anyway four years after we met, he bought a house asked me to move in & I packed up my belongings & life - and moved in with him, then, two years later, we got married.

Like u I knew from the day I met him he was the one, but i wouldnt push him.

You have inly been with him for two years, which really isnt that long to be in a relationship for, you have probably scared him off tbh. Just because he said no now, doesnt mean he wont in the future.
NowBUTUT - u need to figure out IF you are willing to wait for him ... give yourself a time frame, but be reasonable about it, not 6 weeks or 6 months ... say a year .. that way you would have been together for three years ... then talk more about it.

"Getting married isn't what you want to be doing, that's the easy bit. It's staying married that's the trick, and he sounds like a bad bet."
👏

He’s just not that into you, OP. Thank goodness you know now, so you can stop wasting time on him!

Sorry, my DH would have been devastated if I'd proposed to him. And I turned down his first proposal because it felt rushed and spur of the moment.

Let him take time to think and let him propose. If he proposed to someone before, it suggests he's taking it very seriously and doesn't want to go with the romance of being engaged. For him, a proposal means he's serious about marrying you — maybe even setting a date.

I forced someone into marrying me. Well I issued an ultimatum like you did. He said yes but I really wish he’d said no. We’re getting divorced now after 20 years together and it’s not a moment too soon, I should never have married him nor forced it. We haven’t been happy for so many years. Reserved quiet types often demonstrate hyper independence but it’s actually underdeveloped emotional capacity and an avoidance technique. He’s not the person you think he is and he sounds underdeveloped. I know you’ll be devastated OP but he’s done you a favour. Be pragmatic and move on. It’s time to grow up. This man doesn’t love you and you deserve so much better. Look at the relationship you’ve had with your father figure. Perhaps he undervalued you. Get some therapy. It helps.

If he doesn't feel the same about you then you're missing signals so he absolutely isn't the one for you. If he was the one and you 'just know' it wouldn't be anything like this. There wouldn't be any hesitation and you'd both be as crazy about each other as you are for him. So I don't think you're really feeling the just knowing thing. You're just a bit infatuated/besotted with him. He doesn't need 7 years to know and you don't have 7 years to piss about until he decides if he can be arsed. Leave him and see how he reacts. He might deeply regret it and itll be what he needs to realise he does want to marry you. Or you'll go your separate ways and that'll be that. Either way, splitting seems the only logical thing going forward.

And this is so true:

"Getting married isn't what you want to be doing, that's the easy bit. It's staying married that's the trick, and he sounds like a bad bet."

I thought once I was over the line, I’d live happily ever after.

a huge big fat fucking NO. How wrong I was.

Marriage is just the start of a very long partnership and if he’s not a partner now in everything you do and feel, marriage certainly won’t change that. You’ll just be tied to the wrong person who’s not the right match for you.

Sorry you are going through this OP, it sounds brutal. He's just not that into you, and sounds like a bit of a cold fish to boot. Ultimately you'll be better off with less of a stringer-alonger, even though it doesn't feel like it yet x

Well, either you leave the ball in his court and wait for him to take his time and decide whether he wants to marry you (it may take seven years), or keep pushing and marry a man coerced into marriage (not the best recipe for success) or break up and try and find someone who, like you, is absolutely sure and ready to commit to you. Which option sounds best to you?

You do know what to do though, don’t you, op. There is only one way forward painful though it may be. You love this chap but you want marriage and he doesn’t. Leave him and find someone who shares your hopes and dreams for the future.

I have to be honest, giving someone you love an ultimatum isn't exactly the best idea. It sounds like he has been hurt a lot so maybe he does love you but is afraid of things going south if he let's his guard down. I think you may want to consider being a little more understanding.

This was me!

my husband had been married before and I really desperately DIDNT want to get married. He tried a few times to bring it up but I literally would burst into tears. Never once did I ever think I’d get married. It took him 12 years but finally. I said yes.

he might be like me. I didn’t want to be with anyone else but I was so scared of marriage.

I would be interested to know how old you both are too...I agree that 2 years 4 months is not particularly long to have got to this point... I was with my husband for 7 years before getting to this point... and you mentioned that it was 7 years for your man's previous relationship. Was it him who broke off the engagement?If he is an avoidant type there is a lot of information out there about how this can present... I have looked into this myself as I have wondered if my husband has an avoidant attachment style... apologies for the long reply but I wanted to give you a considered response as being in a similar situation is probably the biggest regret of my life.

I got together with my husband when he was going on 30 and I was 27. From the very beginning my husband told me that he didn't want to get married and he didn't want to have kids. At first I thought it was a bit soon to be having that conversation but realised later that he was trying to be straight with me from the start. I was smitten but didn't expect the relationship to last. I figured I would just enjoy it and accept it when it ended. But it did last and as we got into our 30s we were living together but still enjoying our 'youth' (haha).

However, I knew I wanted to get married and have kids at some point. I felt like he was the one for me and I didn't know how I could possibly choose one over the other... I felt that I would always love him and couldn't imagine leaving him to seek someone else to have a family with... but nor could I give up on the idea of having children... what was I going to do?

We had a few conversations about it... always me bringing it up... I was honest about how I felt. He didn't seem to have changed his mind but I couldn't bring myself to end the relationship, so we just carried on like this for a few more years. Then, one Mother's Day, he told me that he had been thinking about having children for a while and that he had changed his mind. He didn't want to tell me until he was sure. I was so happy it was all I could think about from that time on... by this time my biological clock was really ticking... this is where I really start to cringe...

I kept dropping hints or bringing up the subject of getting married... I even started secretly saving for it... but he never popped the question. To be fair, he only told me that he had changed his mind about having kids, not about getting married. But I told myself he is just not the romantic type - I thought he maybe just needed a nudge. Eventually, I saw a ring in a shop window and pretty much asked if he was he going to get it for me! (I know!) He went ahead and bought the ring, but nothing happened, he didn't give it to me. I realise now that the pressure I put on him had the opposite effect to what I wanted. Eventually he told me that he didn't feel right about it... he felt that it should be the man to pop the question in his own time, he made excuses about money and not being in the right position in life... I got upset and said it's not about money or what position you are in... it's about how you feel about someone. I have often looked back on that moment and wondered what would have happened if I had ended it there...

What happened was that he thought about what I had said and then came back to me and told me I was right... he gave me the ring... but it was the most unromantic moment... it didn't feel right at all. We planned the wedding and both of us knew it felt off. On the big day I spent the morning sobbing in the shower, praying that it would be ok. I didn't want the big white wedding, I wanted was the 'Dances with Wolves' moment, when all you see is each other... but when I walked down the isle he didn't turn to face me, there was no smile, no emotion, throughout the whole ceremony... he didn't look at me, not once... not even when we said our vows... it was like he wasn't with me at all. You know that scene in Jerry McGuire when Renee Zellweger's character watches the wedding video and realises Jerry wasn't really into it... that was me, but I was actually in church, in front of everyone. It broke my heart. I don't know how I got through the day. My new husband seemed to be avoiding me and just got really drunk. I watched him walk off to go to bed really early without even coming to find me... I made light of it and danced with the guests without him but inside I was devastated. The next day we ended up having an almighty row - when I told him how I felt he got so angry and told me that I was never satisfied! I spent most of our so called honeymoon (just a few days away, nothing major) in tears...

So part of me wants to tell you that pressuring him will not do you any favours... it will only make him back off. He has been honest and said he needs more time. How much time are you prepared to give him and is he worth the wait? On the other hand, I can't help wondering if my husband would EVER have got round to it if I hadn't pushed for it... he was 36 when we got married and definitely still not 'ready'. The way I see it now is that he hadn't really grown up yet, even at that age... and marriage wasn't as important to him as it was to me... to be honest I think marriage terrified him... but I realise now that is because he took the commitment so seriously.

We have now been married for over 20 years and he has been a wonderful husband and father... becoming a father was really the making of him. He is my rock and he has often said that he doesn't know where he'd be or what state he'd be in if I hadn't twisted his arm to get married and have a family. He now thinks it's the best thing that could have happened to him. From the moment we met, I always knew in my heart that he was a good man... and I felt like he was my man... we forgive each other for our flaws... none of us are perfect... he may well have an avoidant attachment style.. I might possibly have an anxious attachment style... or it might just be that men are from mars, women are from venus... whatever it is, we trust each other, we forgive each other, and together I think we have both become more secure.

None of us have any guarantees, even in marriage... there is no way of knowing how things will turn out when we first get into relationships or even years down the line... we just have to trust our hearts and learn whatever lessons are presented to us. So many people fall in love, get the romantic proposal, have the big wedding that was 'the best day of their lives'... but then grow apart or get divorced or have affairs... or they constantly complain about each other... I wouldn't necessarily rule someone out as a waste of time because they are not ready to get married yet, or jump to the conclusion that it means he doesn't love you. Try to come to a better understanding of each other - softly, kindly, gently. Then make your decision on whether or not to give it more time.

All the best.

Look at you making it all the fault of the single women in their thirties! Newsflash- they still exist and are not ‘rare’ whether or not you think they are real. Some long term single, some got out of a relationship with someone who they eventually realised was never going to commit properly which might be the op, some other paths.

Why did you propose to him when he'd already told you he needed more time?
Wasn't it obvious he would say no, given the conversations you'd already had?

I ended a relationship with someone in my twenties because he didn’t want marriage or kids. I knew it was a deal breaker. Anyway he did eventually get married and had kids but I bumped into him with a preschooler and year 1 when my kids were all 15+ and fhe eldest had left home. No way did I want pre-schoolers at that time!

He doesn’t sound right for you. You’re never going to feel valued. It isn’t terribly modern to care about things like marriage (esp on mumsnet) but if it’s important to you - and it would be essential to me if I wanted a family - then you are allowed to end that relationship.

I have been married decades now. If anything happened to my husband I would not want to be married or cohabit again. But I wouldn’t string along someone who was looking to form a household!

The law makes no difference to us. They see him as a father figure. No judge can take that away. As I have said, even if we were married, he would have no rights to see them that I didn't give him.

You can try to minimise our relationship all you want but it will never work. My kids will.still refer to.him as their dad as well as their father. We will all still be a family. You will just seem hateful and jealous.

It might not take 1 person to decide that about the other. It could easily take 2 people that long to come to the same conclusion about each other. If you want to make the right decision l, then yeah I think you shoild probably sacrifice that time.

A lot of women wait until well into their 30s to think seriously about it and make steps towards building a family as they are focusing on their careers and asset gaining before then.

Oh. Sorry you have to go through this, OP, but this is probably the best outcome you can possibly have here. At least now you know for sure he isn't on the same page with you in terms of marriage and if it's a deal breaker to you this is the time you cut your losses and leave. He might seem perfect in every other aspect, but if he doesn't look at the marriage the way you do, he clearly isn't perfect for you. Now you know that for sure.

Maybe he literally just needs more time....
One poster explained it took her partner 6 yrs to propose and they've now been happily married for 20 years....

Im really not jealous of you 😂😂
You definitely think too much of of yourself.

Anyway it's obvious you're only not married.because it hasn't been the required 10yr minimum haha

Or maybe he has a child from previous relationship.... and lives quite a distance away from the OP to be with his child, spends just a few days a week with the OP at her house. Maybe the OP also has a child and these families aren't blended.

It would be helpful if the OP had bothered to include the above context in her original post because IMO it makes a huge difference.