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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Proposed to him and he said no

719 replies

Sophie198643 · 09/03/2026 11:44

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

OP posts:
KissingintheDark · 10/03/2026 19:14

If he can't even be kind to you when you propose... I'd have to walk away if I was you OP. He's shown you he's a lost cause.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 10/03/2026 19:17

You've not been together quite two years yet. That's not a huge amount of time really. He told you only four months ago that he wasn't ready to commit. Well now you've had it confirmed. He's still not. He sounds like the sort of person who is naturally cautious and refuses to be railroaded. And he's not going to let you blackmail him with ultimatums either. He's called your bluff, so now you have to decide whether to continue with things as they are and just wait it out until he's ready, or to walk away and cut your losses.

OneOfEachPlease · 10/03/2026 19:21

500 posts and the OP is nowhere to be seen…

But for what it’s worth it sounds like you decided when you met him you were marrying this one and you’ve been deaf to his point of view. I disagree that this reflects on his feelings about you overall necessarily, I think you’ve badgered him. And what do you mean you proposed, doesn’t sound like you proposed in the way you would find acceptable. Sounds like you’ve got annoyed, given and ultimatum an got a no.

gingerninja · 10/03/2026 19:23

There are some odd replies on here. If it was a man pressuring a woman to get married before she was ready I think there’d be a lot of different opinions. It sounds to me that the OP wants a marriage more than she wants a partnership. Marriage doesn’t guarantee a relationship, it can be very complicated and expensive to unpick if it doesn’t work out. I don’t blame the bloke for not being ready, two years is no time, if you’re planning to be together for a lifetime why does it matter?

Marieb19 · 10/03/2026 19:33

Do you live together? If you have been together for two years and lived together for a significant part of that, then, in my opinion he should know. The fact that it took him 7 years to propose to his ex is another red flag. If you weren't keen on marrying/settling down/having children, then if wouldn't be an issue but you do, so it appears you want different things. At least you know where you stand. It may hurt but if he is not sure (and there's no guarantee he ever will be) I'd move on.

RobinStrike · 10/03/2026 19:43

OP, why did he split up with the ex he proposed to? Did he leave because he couldn’t face the commitment? Honestly, if it took him 7 years last time and they still didn’t get married I’d cut my losses

Scarlettpixie · 10/03/2026 19:46

Where are you and what stage is your relationship? Your ages, whether you live together or have or plan to have children be this previously or together are all relevant. Do you have any assets together/shared finances?

it seems you have been really wanting this from being together a year, if not longer. He does not feel the same but that doesn’t mean he never will. Whether you are prepared to wait is up to you but I don’t think 2 years is all that long.

If you are in your 20s the advice may be different to what it would be if you are in your 30s and your biological were ticking. It would also be different if you still have separate lives i.e. are just dating rather than partners or if either of you have children from previous, personal assets, etc.

We need more info.

EagerLemur · 10/03/2026 19:48

My now husband took 8 years to propose, we'd even lived together that whole time give or take 3 months, he had been married before though, and didn't want to be forced into it again. He had however given me a promise ring for the future, and once he did propose we were married within 3 months, so ask him if its actually on the cards or no chance, I know plenty of people who've been together more that 2 years and not engaged. Marriage isn't something to be rushed, some men hate being proposed to as well. Need to calm down and let it rest a while

EagerLemur · 10/03/2026 19:48

My now husband took 8 years to propose, we'd even lived together that whole time give or take 3 months, he had been married before though, and didn't want to be forced into it again. He had however given me a promise ring for the future, and once he did propose we were married within 3 months, so ask him if its actually on the cards or no chance, I know plenty of people who've been together more that 2 years and not engaged. Marriage isn't something to be rushed, some men hate being proposed to as well. Need to calm down and let it rest a while

BudgetBuster · 10/03/2026 19:55

Scarlettpixie · 10/03/2026 19:46

Where are you and what stage is your relationship? Your ages, whether you live together or have or plan to have children be this previously or together are all relevant. Do you have any assets together/shared finances?

it seems you have been really wanting this from being together a year, if not longer. He does not feel the same but that doesn’t mean he never will. Whether you are prepared to wait is up to you but I don’t think 2 years is all that long.

If you are in your 20s the advice may be different to what it would be if you are in your 30s and your biological were ticking. It would also be different if you still have separate lives i.e. are just dating rather than partners or if either of you have children from previous, personal assets, etc.

We need more info.

From the OPs previous threads, she is 31. They both have children from previous relationships. Do not live together as OPs partner has his son 3 days a week so lives close to his school / mother. He spends a few nights a week at the OPs house.

pimplebum · 10/03/2026 19:56

He said he needed more time and you only left it four months

Scarlettpixie · 10/03/2026 20:05

BudgetBuster · 10/03/2026 19:55

From the OPs previous threads, she is 31. They both have children from previous relationships. Do not live together as OPs partner has his son 3 days a week so lives close to his school / mother. He spends a few nights a week at the OPs house.

Show quote history

If that’s the case, then the OP seems to be rushing things imo. There is no way on earth I would consider marriage with a 3 yo and no plans to even live together presently on the cards. One step at a time.

BudgetBuster · 10/03/2026 20:08

Scarlettpixie · 10/03/2026 20:05

If that’s the case, then the OP seems to be rushing things imo. There is no way on earth I would consider marriage with a 3 yo and no plans to even live together presently on the cards. One step at a time.

Show quote history

I believe the respective children are 9 and 8 (ish)... but yes I agree, not living together or near eachother complicates things so 2yrs is quite quick when you would be considering blending families (who aren't yet blended much)

Scarlettpixie · 10/03/2026 20:20

I have looked and the OP has a 9 and 15 yo and the boyfriend an 8 yo.

So given there are distances involved and the boyfriend is keeping his house near his son, how is marriage going to work OP?

I think you need a plan for blending families and potentially for protecting assets before thinking about marriage. Your priority should be your kids so what if you marry while living apart but then blending doesn’t work ? I can see why your boyfriend is in no rush. You can’t know at the moment that this is for life.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/03/2026 20:22

@Sophie198643 why bother posting threads and never returning?

Aluna · 10/03/2026 20:28

BudgetBuster · 10/03/2026 19:55

From the OPs previous threads, she is 31. They both have children from previous relationships. Do not live together as OPs partner has his son 3 days a week so lives close to his school / mother. He spends a few nights a week at the OPs house.

Show quote history

This changes everything. All of this needed to be on the OP.

You need to try out and see if blending works before you even think about marriage.

Naneeeeeechangeee · 10/03/2026 20:43

Why didnt you respect him when he said he needed more time?

BudgetBuster · 10/03/2026 20:47

Aluna · 10/03/2026 20:28

This changes everything. All of this needed to be on the OP.

You need to try out and see if blending works before you even think about marriage.

Show quote history

Yep. Myself and another poster had recognised the OPs name from another thread a few weeks ago that specifically was about the 2 kids and a football game. I went back to take a look and double check the specifics.

It really does change the dynamic of the question.

To111ornotto111 · 10/03/2026 20:47

I'd say 2 years is quite early, particularly if you have quite separate lives. I was with my partner 5 years, proposed to him (and he said no), he proposed the year after. We didnt get round to getting married so he proposed again 2 years later with a nicer ring! If you're on different timeliness though, you might no want to wait as long as he'd make you, even if he does come round to the idea.

Daisyhon · 10/03/2026 21:01

You asked him & he said no . He didn’t say I never want to marry you just that he wasn’t ready . You have been together 2 years which isn’t that long . Only you can decide if you love him enough that you carry on with things as they are & wait until he asks you , u can decide what length of time u are prepared to wait ( however long that may be ) or , you cut your losses & walk away . Seems a shame to walk away if otherwise it’s a good relationship & you’re happy . You have to remember that some people are absolutely TERRIFIED by the thought of marriage , could be he is one of them .

Noodles1234 · 10/03/2026 21:27

I find relationships like this sometimes a little weird. Weird in the sense don’t most people have a flutter of a future with that person. Some people want marriage and some not, but I wonder when a flat no or a fudged no, instead of I love you, I want to commit but marriage is something that I am not sure on etc. when a flat no or might as well be, why are you with that person, is it love or convenience?
I think you know the options, your approx age would be good. Can you risk the wait, do you want children (if so what does he feel about that)?

Not all marriages last, I know many who have never married (potential legal issues here), does he have bad memories or maybe an emotional / sensory issue?

TheWildZebra · 10/03/2026 21:45

“ about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage … He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it.”

so he gave you an honest answer only 4 months ago….

“So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no.”

… and you didn’t listen to what he told you 4 months ago…

”I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up.”

…and then you made it about your needs again rather than listening to what he wants.

I would have run a mile, OP. You’ve not even been together 2 years and you want to get married? Why? Just wait. If you really love someone and you’re right for eachother it shouldn’t matter.

NorthIsBestforBeaches · 10/03/2026 22:13

Oh dear.

One post from the OP and no more.

I'd say he is scared of committing.

I'm sorry but his track record of dating someone for 7 years and not marrying them even when engaged is not very promising.

I'm sorry but he's not for you.

Fifiesta · 10/03/2026 22:38

Although that rejection must have been hard to hear, you do at least know unequivocally where you stand.
Don’t waste any more of your life on him.
Your future self will thank you for being brave now.

Bringemout · 10/03/2026 22:45

Don’t believe anything anyone says about some mystical “commiment phobe” shit. Men who find a woman they want try to lock everything down. I’ve been in some terrible relationships, Dh proposed after a year, he’s been an excellent husband and father.

Men aren’t that complicated, if he said no it’s because he can tolerate losing you. I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’ve turned down proposals because I just didn’t love them (had 2). I would never have turned down a proposal from a man I couldn’t risk losing.