Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

Nah, you know. I was 24 when DH proposed after a year. He was my first serious boyfriend. Wasn't bothered before that with anyone. But I knew almost immediately with him. He also said he felt the same, and thought he'd been in love before, but when then when he met me he realised what real love ACTUALLY was. We've been together nearly 30 years.

You’ve only known him 2 year, have been pushing marriage already and he said he’s not ready yet. So you decide to propose to him anyway. Sorry OP but it was never going to end well.

I would move on OP.

You need to end it and move on. It sounds like he hasnt got over the hurt from his ex fiance and is letting it affect everything now. If he truly loved you and had moved on he would be happy to marry you. You did the hard part asking, which if he genuinely does struggle with these things he would have been relieved you asked and said yes! Some men out there really need to grow up and get a grip. Save yourself the heartache and walk away, you deserve so much more!

Girl, do yourself a favor and leave him and NEVER bend the knee for a man again!

Single men who are looking for relationships are extremely easy to find. Men massively outnumber women on dating apps. The number of men who are single and seeking a relationship massively outnumbers the number of women who are single and seeking a relationship.

Therefore, if a woman wants to be in a relationship, she can very easily be in one. So I think it would be highly unusual for a 33 year old woman, who wants a relationship and children, to still be looking for a relationship. Why has she not found a relationship before then?

Virtually all women I know have been dating their partners from their teenage years, or early 20s, and then later got married and had children with those men. Once you've decided that you want marriage and children, finding a man who is also willing should be extremely easy.

Is he saying no to getting married, or to being in a relationship full stop? My DP didn't want us to actually get married, but wants to be with me for life. We married 16 years ago, but in hindsight I don't think I needed to and I'm now not keen on the idea of marriage.

Think OP is getting a hard time on here. I think she was right to propose. And now she knows that marriage isn’t on the cards, she can move on with her life.

ive seen too many women strung along for years

Why is proposing 'bending the knee'? She asked if the guy wanted to get married, and got one of the two possible answers. OK, she didn't get the one she wanted, but you sound as if proposing has something fundamentally submissive built in...? I think the OP got information she can use to decide her next step.

ETA And she's in a far better position than the more usual type of poster on Mn posting about proposals, having hung about for ten years or more and had several children with a man who dangled marriage in front of her like a carrot, but said she definitely couldn't propose because he was 'traditional' and wanted to do it at a time of his choosing. Now that's humiliating and a waste of time.

Relationship under two years isn't long, may be he is just not ready.

Call his bluff and say you are splitting up

So you think it's preferable to draw up a load of different legal documents just to confer the same legal benefits as marriage? What's the point in going to all that other faff when marriage just does it for you? What is WRONG with marriage? I can't understand why some people still fight the idea of the legal contract of marriage when so many same sex couples fought for the right to get married over just having a civil partnership.

OH...the pain you're in...i feel it.

Please please run. Please run.
After 2 years, you know if you"re ready or not.
Life is too short!! I'm not going to say anything mean or negative about your partner. He has been honest and stated that he doesn't feel ready and doesn't want to marry. He is also had time to think about it. And still feels the same.

I completely feel your pain when it's burst out of you with the proposal. And I suspect you hoped he changed his mind Or had tad time to think about it? And reveal his true feelings.The thing is he has revealed his true feelings, and he said he isn't into marriage or ready for marriage etc etc. It's going to hurt. It's going to feel probably something along the lines of having your heart ripped out and there will be times where it will feel lonely, and you will question yourself over and over, wondering why you didn't just keep your mouth shut and not ask him!!

Howecer

However, im glad u did!! You've done nothing wrong in my opinion. Haven't read any of the other replies. Well, 1 or 2, but not most of them, and I imagine that you'll get some people replying to you telling you that you did the wrong thing or even telling you off a bit. That's gonna hurt but big girl pants on!! Do lots to boost your confidence.
Cry, eat well, drink loads of water. Get loads of vitamins, sing get exercising.Whatever it is, you need. Spend time with friends and vent. Give yourself some space and allow yourself time to heal. I say this from personal experience from other girly friends who've had this happen to them. (Both of which went on to find happy and fulfilling marriages after a few rocky years) One friend found out at thirty five that her partner didn't want to ever marry and she spent the next five years travelling and had the time of her life. She met somebody in australia and emigrated!
Incidentally her former partner lives in a two up two down in a dodgy area, is unemployed spending most of his day sitting on the sofa drinking energy drinks. I see him round town pushing a pram looking bloated and low. Its really sad to see actually as he isnt a nasty man...just directionless.

I loved my last partner and was heart broken to leave him. I doubted my decision for years. He wasnt ready for marriage or what i felt was proper commitment. I thought my heart would never heal and it took a few years but now i feel very little other than slight pity and a funny feeling that i escaped something that would have squashed me.

He is 60 now and never married at all. Lives alone, never had another partner.
Id have felt more comfprtable if he had moved on and found new love. He isnt a nasty person..just a lost soul with debilitating depression that he now doesnt manage at all. I realised that it wasnt my "fault" or my defecit.
He cant love anyone as he isnt well and doesnt love or value himself. I tried to help when i first left as he let himself go so badly.

I moved on to find the love of my life and you will too.

Dont wait wondering about what ifs. You will never fully settle into this relationship in the way you deserve. If he does change his mind you'll always wonder if he married you just to placate you. That thought will always find a way to erupt and it"ll erode you. dont sit at 60 or 70 wondering where your 50's hsve disaappeared to.

Good luck.

He’s not ready… he may be ready in a few years if you are still together… but you have to back down or you will lose him completely.
He hasn’t rejected you but the relationship may not be quite what you wanted at this time. Relationships evolve over time for better or worse! Fill your life with other things too.

Personally that would be it for me. You're not on the same page about this. I understand that there are legitimate reasons to want to marry, and there are legitimate reasons to not want to marry, but neither would I want to wait until perhaps maybe eventually someone wants to commit to doing life together, nor would I want to marry someone who doesn't want to.

Just my opinion, obviously. Good luck! 🍀

YANBU. When he said he needed time, you should have just focused on getting to know other men rather than proposing to him. Men like to propose when they think they may lose you.

The legal side I like, and I probably would have done a civil partnership or even just a contract. I'd like to be legally and financially connected but something about marriage doesn't sit right with me personally. Also there was the sense of obligation and family expectation (Catholic family) about doing things the right way. We're in a different situation now too as we're polyamorous, we think of ourselves as partners who live together but not as a couple.

The signs are all over, he's a walking red banner, not red flag. Why would it take him whole 7 years to propose to his ex?
You're busy making excuses for him while he's showing you you're just a convenient, disposable habit to him.
He's very reserved about his feelings, but not reserved enough to not turn you down. What does that tell you?
HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS AND YOU'RE NOT WHAT HE WANTS, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE BORED WHILE HE'S WAITING FOR HIS PREFERENCE, HENCE YOU'RE FILLING THE GAP, HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING.

Not been ready for marriage is one thing, not sure of the person you're with is another thing. In your case, it's both.
He will probably never get married, he probably has no interest in any serious commitment, his parent mentioning that he should propose to you is deeper than just that simple statement, he's their son, they said it because they know him more than you do, they know he probably has no interest in marriage, so they're trying to do the pushing.

How long do you have to wait? How long will be enough? And what if he's suddenly ready but he's now sure you're not the right fit?
CUT YOUR LOSSES AND MOVE ON.

You was unreasonable to propose, but at least you know now.

Wow, such limited mindset you have - meet someone from school and spend 10 years and then commit. If you are a woman of 33 and single, problem is with you because it’s easy to find a boyfriend.

I was with someone 6 years before I finally dumped him. I’ll never get that time back.
you don’t say much about his response but my impression was that there wasn’t a whole lot of emotion or love in it. My advice I’m sorry to say, is to move on

Giving a man ultimatums is the quickest way to end it. Anyone, never mind just a man.

Painful but at least you know where you stand and are free to find someone who does want to marry you.

My mum gave me some advice when I was young: after 25 don’t stay with someone more than a year who wouldn’t marry you if it came to it.

You’ve given it 2 years you’re not on the same page so it’s time to move on.

@Redpaisley Wow, such limited mindset you have - meet someone from school and spend 10 years and then commit.

Why is that a bad thing?

If you are a woman of 33 and single, problem is with you because it’s easy to find a boyfriend.

That statement is correct, so I'm not sure what your point is.

Leave. If he’s not feeling it after 2 years, he never will. Cut your losses while you’re ahead, lick your wounds and move on with your life. Please believe me when I say this - I’ve been in a similar situation and I sacrificed my desires and I stayed. It’s just not worth it.