Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

He's not their stepfather though

He's your partner. You didn't marry him... he's not a stepfather.

Values.

My ex is a great dad and we consider each other extended family. He wasn't a bad partner, either, we just grew up and therefore grew into different people than we were when we met.

My partner is also a great dad and partner. If we split, he would still be a great dad like he is for his other kids.

They call him their stepfather and have done for years. To us, marriage means absolutely nothing. We could be married and he NOT be their stepfather because they dont see him that way.

Your silly beliefs about these things mean nothing to us. And in fact, most people who don't know just assume he is their biological father anyway. There is no way your views will change any of that. No.matter how hard you try and hate.

If you came on this thread and said you don't believe in marriage and aren't interested in getting married, people still would have said that it's important to be at least in a committed relationship prior to children, and many people want that to be legally documented, but that's up to you.

But you didn't.

You came on here with some ridiculous nonsense that everyone who wishes to be married prior to having kids needs to start planning for that in their early adulthood and should give up on their career, unless they are very rich, and be prepared to relocate, and then suggested that having a baby is a less serious decision to make than getting married.

That's why no-one is taking your advice about relationships seriously.

Why would legality mean anything? Legal stepparents don't have any real rights or even opinions that arent afforded to them by the parent(s).

The only way my partner could continue to see my children if I didnt want him to (irrespective of whether we married) is if they wanted to and I was powerless to control that due to their age. We are well into that phase of their life already.

I said that women should, yes, as they have a countdown on their fertility. Better than getting to near 40 and then marrying the first guy who is interested so you can have a baby.

Legality means something because you are using a legal definition...

He's your boyfriend, partner, their siblings father... he isnt a stepfather.

I'm not inferring he doesn't do the "duties" or care about them. I'm just saying you're hellbent on talking down to pretty much most of the posters on thsi thread but you're making things up to suit your own narrative.

No-one said that. They have said that it doesn't take 5-10 years to determine if you want to be married to someone. If you want to marry someone you will know within the first 2-3 years at least. You don't have to start planning at 24.

Nobody said women should wait until 40. You seem to have gone off half cocked on this thread.

2 years would be way to soon for me to consider marrying someone.

The way that you’ve ‘hinted’ that you might not be able to stay in a relationship if you don’t get engaged comes across as blackmail - i.e. ‘be ready now or I’m leaving!’.

If I were him, this would make me even less likely to want to marry you.

I think a two year relationship is a whole spectrum of togetherness. From very serious from day one, now bought a house, have a dog etc or very casual from early on and only see each other every other week. Where are you on this spectrum, OP? If you’re nearer the latter it would be too soon for a proposal and he could well still be figuring it out, if you’re nearer the former I’d be very concerned that he doesn’t want to commit fully.

I'm sorry to break it to you.

Your partner has no interest in marrying you.

Actually maybe he does. But you pushing him in a direction will only make things worse.

Literally the most important fact of life - if someone wants to do something they will do it. It doesn't matter if they have work, or kids, or live thousands of miles away. If they want it, they'll go and get it.

Being hurt in a previous relationship is a load of rubbish. If he was that worried about it happening again he wouldn't be in a relationship now. That'll just get rinsed and repeated as an excuse. Sort yourself out before pushing your problems on others mate.

That last part is important. He hasn't sorted himself out from the previous relationship before starting something with someone else. People get hurt all the time, learning to be comfortable with that is the lesson.

You know your answer already, I think you're just reluctant to accept it. He simply doesn't want it. Sorry.

Okay this was exactly me and my husband like 7 yes ago. It was very. Very hurtful. BUT only because I didn't really understand him and it was so much of my own insecurities that needed this big gesture to finally confirm what he said all along. If I had trusted us about more rather than a teenage inner anxiety then we would have floated through it no problem.
He finally did propose after 10 yes of being together and 3 kids.
His doubt may not reflect anything about his actual love for you.
Basically, if he is perhaps neuro spicy this will apply triple so. These men or these type of people can feel much love but also have a black and white assessment that means they don't consider strong feelings as the only indicator of reality. I don't know how else to describe it.
But hold your horses! Don't go into a woe is me, I'm so rejected. My lover must not love me
No! Just look at your plain reality. Marriage does absolutely NOT reflect his feelings for you.
You have to measure that by the daily exchanges, the live you share, how he commits to you. THAT'S how you know.

Whether or not he proposes in future it’s hard to get past this. He’s not that keen or he wouldn’t risk losing you. If he loved you, he’d do anything to make sure he didn’t. Surely you want to be with someone who’s mad keen to marry you, not a reluctant wet wimp which is what he sounds like. You deserve better. Why do you think a jerk is right for you?

It sounds like you have strong feelings for your partner but two years is not that long in a relationship imho. I'm not sure I'd commit to someone after 2 years, 5 yes, but 2 no. But some people commit in less time, so it's a personal thing.

In your position I would be asking him, does he see a future with you or not. Is his outlook going to change in a year or two? Depending on what he says, what timescale would you be willing to live with? Also if you want to have kids with someone that can also impact your outlook.

Good on you though for being clear and transparent on what you want. It's the best way to find out, and although you didn't get the answer you want, it may make sense to get further clarification as to both your wants and needs before making any big decisions.

Yip. Time to say goodbye and move on.
Painful I know. But he's made himself clear. It's right time for u to get married but not him. So leave it.

Sounds to me that he is being honest. He's not stringing her along. He's said no. Pretty honest in my mind

Not been ready is not the same as not been sure she's the one. He's not sure she's the one and he's not ready for marriage.
A mixture of both is a disaster, so if he meets someone else tomorrow and suddenly becomes sure and ready? What would op do? Everyone would still bash her for not using her brains.

I don't think that's true. DH proposed several times, and I said no even though I loved him and was committed to a life with him, because I had absolutely no desire to get married. If that had been a dealbreaker for him, he'd have had to go and find someone else who was OK with marriage. I wasn't going to do something I fundamentally didn't want to do for the sake of a relationship.

(By the time I grudgingly agreed, with the proviso that we just did it as quietly as possible with two witnesses, we'd been together very happily for 20 years, and there was a pressing practical reason.)

If you have been together for 2 years and he still has his guard up and has refused to get engaged he's not the one for you. Bin him off or you could waste 7 years on him like his previous partner did. Be smart and move on. There will be someone out there who does want marriage with you. Don't settle for this relationship.

What has he said about kids ? If you want them and he doesn’t, then it’s time to go. If he does want them I’d stay but give them my surname.

Seen this lots too it’s an actual thing.

He said he needed more time and you still proposed?!! At least he didn’t say yes because he felt he had to. Either wait or cut your losses. At least he’s being honest. I’ve been with my man for 36 years, 2 children, 6 grandchildren and never married. It’s not the be all and end all

My view is you know when you know, and I think sadly you’ve got your answer.

If you stay with him now, you will end up really resenting him.

It’s very painful but I think for your own dignity (and sanity), you should walk.