Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

From previous threads, the OP is 31 and has a child already. Her partner also has a child.

They live separately some distance away from eachother due to the children's schools etc and he spends a few nights away week at hers.

Conceive with a man who doesn’t even want to marry her? If he is not ready for marriage how is he ready for children?

Whut?

Knowing someone in advance makes a HUGE difference to just meeting someone randomly online

He'd said no and you tried to force the issue, I don't blame him. Particularly in these circumstances, it should have been a conversation first then ask when you are pretty certain he'll say yes. For springing it on him YABU. I wouldn't wait forever but you've slowed it all down now.

So you think couples should wait 5-10 year before marrying, but should have children before that? How long do you think they should wait to have children? I can't get my head around being committed enough to someone to have children with them but not to marry them!

I dont think it is in everyone's interests to marry prior to kids. It's individual whether that is in your interests or not.

I agree it's pathetic. That is why you shouldn't be so dependent on marriage.

Because if you need someone to marry you first, you need to give them the time to decide whether you are the right one for that. That could take years. Plus conception might not be quick. So you need to start on finding that man early as possible to give you both enough time to decide you want to marry each other, do that, and then conceive.

You have to allow for the reality that the first one may not be the one and that it may take years to know that.

If you don't need that to conceive, then you can do it in less formalised relationships.

Repeat

No it doesn't because you might already have a CP but feel that isnt good enough. You have to find a man who wants to marry you specifically. That is another level of compatibility to reach. Lots of people are anti-marriage now.

If someone doesn't want to marry you after 2-3 years, they don't want to marry you and having a baby will NOT save the relationship.

Once you have kids, it's not about you, it's about ensuring a stable and secure base for your kids and that means two parents who are committed to each other.

Ive got 4 kids. I had them from 2 relationships. Never been married. Didnt feel the need to have that kind of legal tie to my partners. I knew that if their dad's ever bailed on me/us, we'd be okay because I would look after us. I would never depend on a man that way.

I have no idea what you are talking about. I would never be with someone hoping they will want to marry me and then after 3 years, have a baby even though they didnt give me the marriage I want.

I would never be hanging around waiting for marriage to begin with. Whether or not I had a baby with them would have nothing to do with anyone getting married.

Pretty selfish to have kids knowing they are going to be spending their lives shuttled between two parents and that they don't have a reliable father.

I don't actually think he's wrong - from your other threads you don't live together and both have children that need to be considered which makes it more complex.

Ah you just depend on men to provide the sperm is it?
How good of you

Well, picking your child's father who they are going to have as their only father for the rest of their lives isn't a really important decision, like picking a life partner to commit to. After all, the first one affects them more than you, so who cares really?

I didn’t marry my husband for me to be dependable on him, I married him because I loved him and wanted to be his wife. We both wanted to get married before kids, we liked the idea of enjoying married life just as a couple and having a solid relationship in which to bring kids into. Did we need to be married to have kids? No but it’s what we wanted.

No I partnered twice with men and co-parent with them. They both fulfilled their role in both respects. The thing i didn't need them to do is marry me just so I can do my bit.

Was your relationship not solid before marriage?

Do you think marrying a man will make him a reliable father?

Why would not being married mean they will have to live in 2 homes?

They fulfilled their roles in being part time partners 😂 Co-parenting is nobody's dream

If it takes 5-10 years to decide if someone is a good life partner, how on earth can you know if they are going to be a reliable father before then? Do you live with both fathers from your 4 children as a big happy family?

How is my live in partner of several years, father to 2 of my kids and dedicated stepfather to the other 2, Part time?

Everyone with kids who have more than one parent co-parents. Some co-parents are still in a relationship. Others aren't. Some never have been in a relationship with each other.