Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

It might not be enough time to know that you want to spend your life with someone, but it is more than enough time to know that you don’t.

You should probably start earlier than 24 if you need to be married before children. Exactly because the first (long term) one might not work out.

So don't rush your relationship, but decide on your life plan before 24. Right. 😂

I've sent my toddler out looking for a girlfriend this morning just in case the first one or two don't work out... at least then he'll still be early 20s but that 3rd partner better be marriage material 😂

You're a bit late, if he breaks up with this one at 12 and the next one at 22 then he's really on a very tight timescale. Has he started considering his finances so he can work out if he'll be rich enough to be a single Dad by his 30s? If he's not sure then it's best to scrap education and career now and focus on finding that wealthy partner.

Don't worry... I sent him out the door with a questionnaire to make sure that he only spends time on the wealthy girls! They need to have trust funds and designer nappies before he even looks at them

Great work. DD is 6 so I'm very behind. I'll be taking her to have her Tarot cards read later so we can ensure that her goal in life is to have children and also to work out if she is better off having a career and resigning herself to single parenthood, or leaving school now and joining the marriage mart.

Two years might mean nothing if you don’t put the work into it. You can live with someone for 40 years and never really know them, or learn a lot about someone in just a year.

My husband proposed to me after five months. We got married four months later, and we now have two children. I’ve never been happier. I really think that when you know, you know.

If you’re in your twenties and just want to have fun, then yes—two years isn’t a lot of time. But when you’re over thirty and planning to have a family, or you already have children, it’s a very long time to still not know where things are going.

I understand that my way doesn't work for everyone, but when you have kids (I believe OP does) and you’re getting emotionally involved with someone, you definitely need to know if you’re wasting your time or not.

Yes start looking for the husband you need to have kids earlier in life. Makes perfect sense. If you start looking at 18, find him at 20, by 25 you might decide you want to marry each other and have kids. Maybe you split up and meet someone else, by 30, you know if they are right for that. If not, youve got 10 years until 40 to find someone.

You start that search at 30, you have less time.

This is only if you need marriage before kids. Plenty of us arent reliant on marriage to provide security.

OP sounds like you dodged a bullet. He sounds scared of commitment.

OP sounds like you dodged a bullet. He sounds scared of commitment.

Shuggles is a male poster.

What do you think "security" means? It doesn't just mean that you have enough money to feed yourself and your kids.

Same applies to men. If you're finding stupid reasons to delay getting married after 5 years just let them go and find someone you do want to marry. Or don't get married and stop pretending you might want to one day.

It doesnt matter what you mean by it. I didnt find it necessary to have kids and don't think it really comes from having a man anyway.

Either way, if you need it, you should.prioritise finding that secure relationship over everything else given that you have a biological clock. That means ensuring you aren't tied to anywhere so you can relocate for that secure relationship.

Wholeheartedly agree. If a man does feel ready to marry me he certainly isn’t ready to have a child with me. Personally I would never have a child with being married first.

My DH and got engaged after four months and married a year after that. Didn’t cohabit. Still happily together 35 years on. Mind you we did know each other socially before we started dating, he wasn’t some stranger I’d met online. Nobody seemed to think we were rushing into it either.

If my husband had proposed to me despite the fact that I had told him I wasn't ready, I'd never have married him. Pushing through with your agenda regardless of his feelings is selfish and should be a huge red flag for your partner. If you really loved him, you'd respect his feelings on the matter.

Why is it either career or find a partner? Can people not work and date simultaneously?

This is loony tunes. Why does needing to be married first mean you have to find a partner in your early 20s but being happy to have a child without being married means you don’t?

You haven’t explained why this is only relevant to those who want to marry first?

All of this applies even if you are happy to have children without marriage but only with the right man within a committed partnership.

So you don't have kids but you have lots of advice on how other women should go about planning to have a family, that's nice.

I met my husband 10 years ago when I was 27. It took us 12 weeks to determine we had found what we were looking for and got engaged then married 18 months later. We now have a 6 year old.

Contrast that with his first marriage, it took them 7 years to get engaged and another to get married and they separated 5 months later. And they had a small child caught in the middle of it all then and she is now part of his life forever in a way that she never would have been if she hadn't "forgotten" to take the pill. Or if they'd both realised that the reason they weren't engaged after 4 years was because neither of them were that into it and called it off before having a baby.

Children deserve to be brought up in a secure and stable relationship, not being shuttled in between two parents. If you did want children, you'd know that if you can't even commit to being someone's life partner on paper than you absolutely shouldn't be committing to have a baby with them.

That means ensuring you aren't tied to anywhere so you can relocate for that secure relationship.

🤣🤦🏾‍♀️

Are you turning 40 OP? I’m guessing so because of your username. Do you want children but also want to be married first? Does he also want children? If yes, just go ahead and ttc. I also don’t understand why you’d ask again 4 months after he said no. What’s changed in that time?

I am reading that as they had kids alone / outside of a committed partnership. But maybe misreading.