Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

The definition of insanity is asking the same question over and over and expecting a difference answer, or something like that.

Two years isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. It's not unreasonable for him to postpone long-term (lifetime?) commitment until he's sure.

Better that that make a mistake.

Oh my god OP two years in a relationship is NOTHING. Why on earth did you force the issue? You probably completely blindsided him - very few men like the idea of being proposed to either, they see it as their rite of passage.

I find this so annoying when people do this. It’s not an engagement if you’re not getting married is it? BIL got “engaged” after being pressured into it by his gf a year ago - not a whisper of a wedding in sight!

He will get married one day… but not to you. He doesn’t have the courage to tell you that you aren’t The One for him and this is his way of stalling.

I think everyone is different on this. I knew very quickly with my DH we were going to get married and we were engaged within a few years. But we are practical people and wouldn’t have wanted to waste time on a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere so would have split long before we got to a point of dithering about whether you want to be married or not. I wouldn’t stick around in this situation as I wanted to be with someone who desperately wanted to marry me rather than me forcing them kicking and screaming into the union. But that’s me. Ultimately OP only you can decide if he’s worth waiting for or if he’s stringing you along.

What are you going to learn about your partner after 2 years that you didn’t know before? 2 years seems a very reasonable amount of time to know if you want to be together forever or not

For me two years in we were still doing fun dates, holidays and we’re sickeningly loved up. I still didn’t really think dh had any faults at that point and we had rarely disagreed on anything. We moved in together after 2 and a half years and began to properly get to know each other. We bought a house at 5 years, got engaged and pregnant at 6 years and married at 8 years. By the time we decided to conceive I knew dh inside and out and was sure he was right for me.
I was 29 when we met, had I have been older no doubt we would have moved quicker due to wanting a child together. We did however plan for the future so I never doubted we wouldn’t get there.

I have mixed feelings here.
One one hand, you felt it was right to propose rather than wait to be asked.
On the other hand, you said you have been together "nearly 2 years " which to me, doesn't feel very long.

You can either take a step back, accept his no, and see where you are in another year or two. Or you could end the relationship.
The only people who can possibly know what works best are you and your boyfriend.
You may have the same goals but you're definitely operating on different timeframes.

It really isn’t though - think back to 2 years ago, it goes on a flash. At two years you are still a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” imo. Just because people like to move in together very early these days and cosplay at being in a serious relationship, doesn’t mean it is one

The OP doesn't even live with her partner.
They live separately as they both have children.

He said he wasn’t ready (2 years isn’t that long!), you tried to force him. He refused to be forced. Good for him!

I don’t agree. Why should you have to wait and walk on eggshells around him just because he has some old baggage? (Btw, we all do!) Or because he can’t make up his mind?

The real problem is that the bar for modern women has gone so low that they accept “I’m not sure.” No way would I be with a man who doesn’t know whether he wants to spend his life with me or not.

Even more insane than to propose! I’m not surprised he ran a mile!

I agree that if a man didn’t want to marry me after two years, I’d dump him.

He is entitled to not want to get married and to wait and OP is entitled to tell him that doesn’t work for her and to leave.

So marriage is too big a commitment and must be put off for as many years as possible, but having a baby, which ties you to someone else and requires constant communication with them for a minimum of 18 years and probably for life is OK?

There is absolutely no way I'd ever have a baby with anyone who hadn't made it very clear, legally and otherwise, that I was their next of kin and they intended to spend their life with me.

Your next bit makes no sense. If you're 29, have been together for 5 years, and with the wrong person, what do you suggest you do? You chose wrong when you were 24, waited 5 years to see if those marriage feelings came, and because of that you're going to have to wait til you meet the right person and then 5-10 years and then you're in your late 30s and the chance for children is slim.

And marrying before children is about security and stability for THEM, not just you. It's not about a fat bank balance either.

Two years is a long time if you are seeing someone regularly. Me and DH saw each other every day from the first time we met. We never lived together but most couples do.

If you live together then 2 years or less is more than long enough to know if you want to be with that person.

Of course a relationship can be serious after even a short while and couples are not as you say charmingly say "cosplaying at a serious relationship".

Well said 👏

IKR, so rude! I could equally say that someone who has been cohabiting for 2 years is playing house with no intention of making a commitment.

Definitely this - no wedding, no babies!

Like I said before- everyone is different. I pretty much knew after my first date I was marrying my husband. And I was at uni so very young, Almost 30 years later and still happily married and weirdly about 4 of my friends all met at uni and we all got married as soon as uni was finished and are all still married. I’m of the view when you know you know but everyone does feel differently about it. I know if my husband hadn’t proposed after what ended up being about 2.5 years I wasn’t going to wait! Good job he was 1 step ahead of me!

If you are not rich enough to support yourself post children, you should probably put career stuff on the backseat and concentrate on finding the right partner. That takes time..you should probably start from early adulthood so you are not rushing the relationship but still fertile.

OP already has one child, maybe two. Between the pair of them, they have (?3) children in the 8-15 age range so I'm not sure that any more babies are on the horizon.

If she marries and then divorces (she has already left one relationship but we don't know why) then she is giving away half of their inheritance. I don't understand why she is so keen on marriage, considering the effect it will have on her DC.

You've not answered my question. If you meet someone at 24 and wait your recommended 5 years before deciding you don't want to marry them, then it takes 2-3 years to meet a new partner, and you wait another 5 years to get engaged, you're now at least 36. If it's a short engagement, you'll be 37 by the time you're married and that's on the shortest end of your timescale.

Are you saying that if you wait until 24 to meet your first serious partner, you've left it too late?

That's not how divorce works...

I think you just need to accept he doesn’t want to get married and make any decision based on that. If marriage is very important to you, then he’s not the man for you