Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

Yeah I'm not sure why you proposed after he said he needed more time, that was his answer there. That said, I think by 2 years you should know whether you want to marry someone. Sorry OP, I don't think his heart is in it as much as you.

Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose

OP is looking at it the wrong way. They are on different planes. They are not suited to each other. She says he doesn't love her the way he says he does. No, she is not getting love in the way she wants and needs. She needs to move on, not dissect him or try and change him, or blame him for being dishonest.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable in what you want, but you don't want the same thing right now. You're each within your rights to draw boundaries around what you do want. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, love doesn't work by just giving someone what they want but you don't.

Sorry op but I think yabu.

To be with someone not even 2 years is really not that long in the grand scheme of things. Are you worried about fertility? How old are you both?

He's told you he's been burnt before, is needing to take his time with this and had an engagement break down before and told you that he needed time to think about it. 4 months later you've sprung a proposal on him and then issued an ultimatum all focused around your own feelings and wants.

I honestly don't mean to sound harsh but if I were him I'd have said no as well. He's been honest with you about his need for more time and you've essentially ignored that. I don't actually think this is any reflection on your relationship that he said no, but it does all sound a bit immature or just ... rushed. Where does his needs and vision fall into this? Have you sat down and spoken with him about what sort of a time line is he feeling at the moment before proposing to him?

I also am not assuming he's a future faker based on his previous relationship because you haven't really given any detail as to why they split. I think age matters here to be honest, 7 years if they met at say, 18 is fine. At 30, not so fine?

We’re all different people, which is why there’s always differing opinions and advice.

My husband proposed after 4 months, normal church wedding, been together 30 years plus.

Marriage is a life long commitment. If this man is not prepared to give you the security of knowing he loves you enough to make that commitment perhaps it's time to reconsider exactly what you are prepared to accept going forward in the relationship. Marriage isn't mportant to everyone. The fact it is to you & he knows this is hurtful to say the least. I'm sorry this was your answer but at least you know where you stand.

OP, don’t be fooled into living with him and having his children without being married. You could end up homeless and penniless if/when he decides to marry someone else, as so many women have discovered to their cost, and warned others against on Mumsnet.

Two years is plenty long enough to know if someone is right for you. OP, move on.

You think people should wait a decade before getting married? What about women's fertility? What if she wants a bunch of kids? No woman can afford to faff about for ten bloody years with the biological clock ticking.

I think you are courageous, OP! He is not the right man. I hope you take time to reset and I’m sure you will have lots of men bowled over by your confidence.

He’s not going to commit so it is time to move forward and drop the dead weight.

I think living together in that two years is more than sufficient to know if someone wants to marry. DH and I were engaged within 2 years of meeting and we have been together for 20 years with DC.

Think about this man like an ex, from now onwards. He will regret it and when he tells his family and friends they will think he is an imbecile.

I could never be with a man who expects me to wait ten years for a marriage proposal.

OP, if marriage is important to you then this guy clearly ain't it. Move on.

Exactly ! '5-10 years' !!!!!!!

I was quite harsh to the OP earlier and I stand by it but I should also praise her for actually proposing.

I just do not get this nonsense about having to wait for men to propose. It’s the 21st century, it’s bollocks.

If you want something, go and get it. Have some agency.

And time it far, far, better than the OP.

The pace some of these women move at death will them part before the ink is dry on the register. When I met the person I wanted to commit to for life I didn't want to wait until it was nearly over first.

Is it because you want a ring and are happy for a long engagement as long as you get that on your finger ?
I have several friends who are not bothered about the actual marriage , they just want a diamond 💍

How old are you both ?

Sorry OP, but you are correct. He doesn't feel the same way you do. Atleast you know. Time to say goodbye.

“I gave him my heart and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, Ellen, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.”

—Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

I think some people are very stubborn and defensive and see marriage as being manipulated into something. He may very well love you but feels pushed into it. Question is, do you really want someone like that. He's got his priorities all wrong. It's more important to him to preserve his rather stubborn boundaries than to make you happy. I'd leave. You arent compatible.

This

You don’t actually mean this, or you’d be saying any woman over 33 should abandon any hope of having children as they are too old to meet someone in time to have your required 5-10 years before you’re ready to commit. Are you saying that? Have you told that to any single women in their thirties?

Two years isn’t long is it?

And it was less than that when you raised marriage. He’s not ready.

How old are you, how long since he split with ex ?

You were right to ask and he said no, so now move on. If he liked it, he should've put a ring on it.

He isn't the right man.

Do you advise all women to marry before having children? It isn't always in their interests.

If you do need to marry before you have children for your own interests, you should probably prioritise that much earlier in life so you have the time to spend those important years making sure you choose someone right and you give them enough time to come to that conclusion about you.

Otherwise, you should probably spend those years ensuring you don't need to marry to maintain security for yourself when you become a parent.

You know you don't get pregnant by marrying someone, right?