Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I would not want to marry a man who I’ve only known for 2 years.

Yes some people move faster and it’s worked for them but for myself and your DP, it is too soon.

If you’re desperate to get married soon then set yourself a date and make sure you end things by that date if he hasn’t proposed.

Be honest and say you want to get engaged within the next X amount of months and then married within the following 12 months or something.

You have no right to coerce him or guilt trip him into marrying you if he’s not ready.
But you also need to be careful that you don’t waste your life waiting for something that may never come.

My friend was in a similar situation.
Her longtime boyfriend would not agree to marriage.
She gave him an ultimatum and consequently they split up.
she got on with her life and started dating other guys.
Her original boyfriend came back with a marriage proposal.
They have just celebrated their Ruby wedding- 40 years.

I think it’s worth being clear what you want then moving on if he doesn’t want the same thing.
It may crystallise his feelings or you may just move on and meet someone better suited to you.
Good luck!

What is it with all these plopper threads?

I’m sorry you’re hurt but it feels for the best- I hope you find someone who’s a better communicator, more open and less indecisive. 2 years is enough, you should say firmly there was never any chance of me waiting for 7 years while you dick around about if I’m special enough for you.

Sounds like a massive rush to be married when you hardly know each other.
It's March now and you say not two years yet, so last August it was likely to be just over a year.
A few months later he tells you it's too soon.

If he's the one you've got your whole lifestyle ahead of you, why are you rushing things and ignoring what he's telling you?

I don’t really understand why you’d propose to someone only four months after they told you that they weren’t ready to marry you. That was only ever going to end one way.

You can carry on with the relationship (assuming he doesn’t feel too pressured to continue) and hope he changes his mind in the future. But be prepared that he might decide that he never wants to marry you, or anyone else. Or he might decide that he wants to get married but not to you. Or he might eventually decide that he does want to marry you. Yes, you might get to ten years down the road and end up on your own. But that could just as easily happen with marriage as well. The important thing is that you aren’t putting your own life on hold in the hope he might change his mind in the future because your fertility and mortgage application aren’t things that you can put on hold indefinitely. So you need to have a serious think about what you want in your life.

Or you can decide that marriage is a dealbreaker breaker for you and end your relationship so you can start again and hopefully meet someone else. That might happen. Or it might not.

In your shoes, I’d be asking myself, is this a good man? Am I happy with him? Do I feel loved? Do I trust him when he says he says he sees a future with me, even if we’re not married? Am I leaving myself financially at risk by being unmarried? Do I want children and is being married to their father a dealbreaker? If so, is he worth the trade off of not being married?

I disagree. OP wants to be married and she is actively planning her life rather than sitting around hoping that her boyfriend is a mind reader. She didn’t spring it on him she had already opened the conversation. While he did say he wasn’t ready yet he hasn’t given any indication of when he will be. we have soooo many post on here of women passively sitting around waiting for their partners to take the lead for years. It isn’t the 1800’s.

The guy took 7 years to ask his ex and even then it sounds like he was just trying to hang onto a relationship that was on its way out.

OP the ball is in his court. If he can’t tell you what he wants or where he sees this heading then it’s up to you what you do.

This and you seem very pushy OP.
Also, why did your mum ask him if he was going to propose?
The bloke is being pressurised +++

Well at least you know not to waste another 5 years in this bloke. He does not feel what you feel. After 2 years it should not be the matter of time. Hugs for you.

He’s been engaged before and didn’t go through with it and took 7 years to propose to that woman.

He’s a commitment phobe . He cannot give you what you want. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Is @Sophie198643 going to come back and reply - or is she a one post person

^ I agree. He’s not the one, you are a place holder. If you do stay, ensure you retain your friendships and save into a pot he doesn’t know about.

Well at least he didn’t lie and do a fake engagement, but yeah you already knew he didn’t want to get married, but now you have it confirmed, what do you want to do?

'The One' is a myth.

Although OP is on a hiding to nothing.

Ah right I did look for a update post but didn't see one? I do think if your childless and wanting to start a family it makes a difference. I was with dh for 9 years when we got married. But we met at 17. Had a very long engagement too. I just can't get past the effects on childless friends in their 50s who deeply regret waiting and then being childless.

Apparently OP has already run for the hills as we have had nothing but silence since the first post! 🙄

I feel a bit conflicted reading your post so you told him you loved him first, “, he’s got a problem because he was hurt before close, you asked him to marry you even though a few months before he said he wasn’t ready wow why are you pushing this guy? So hard? Of course he said no move on he’s not your man.

I dont understand posters who are justifying him needing "more time". More time for what? He doesn't want to marry her. He doesn't even want to get engaged - even though being engaged does not necessarily means he will marry her, and could last for years. Its clear that, for whatever reason, he does not see OP as his wife.

OP - well done for being brave, now go and find someone who will appreciate and love you for real.

Bloody hell, mumsnet is full of people who move at 90 mph.

This relationship isn't even 2 years old. That's a very short time for a relationship, and you're expecting this man to agree to marriage?

Also factor in the fact that he's a shy and timid person.

I think a relationship should be 5 - 10 years old at the very least before deciding on marriage. Did all of you people get married in a Las Vegas chapel or what?

Also factor in the fact that from the OPs various other threads, both her and her partner have kids from previous relationships and they live quite a distance away from eachother because of said children being settled.

Blending families should not be rushed and I think the OPs partner is well within his rights to take his time and consider the impact on his child.

If dh had proposed to me at two years I’d have said not yet. We hadn’t even lived together at that point.

Why are you wanting to get to the next step so quickly, if you trust the relationship enjoy it and let it takes its course (unless fertility is a issue)

you haven’t been very fair to him, you discussed and he said he needed more time so you opted to propose?!! Then you tried to blackmail him by threatening to end the relationship.

if you really can’t wait until he is ready then yes you need to walk away

No wedding chapel involved. We knew almost immediately it was right. 26 years after our wedding every day confirms it.

Given he said he wasn’t ready, I’m unclear how you saw the proposal playing out in your head. What, from that response, led you to believe he would say yes?

You’ve gone from a relationship that might, in the fullness of time, have got to marriage, to one that’s dead in the water.

Tactical genius you ain’t.

We are all different and I, personally, think 5 to 10 years is a ridiculously long time.

When DH and I met he was 23 and I was 25. From our first date we saw each other every day and married after 5 months. We never lived together first. We have been very happily married 46 years.

I realise not everyone knows as quickly as we did but 2 years should be long enough to know whether you want to be with someone or not especially if you are living together.

Oh and no we certainly did not get married in a Las Vegas chapel - can't think of anything more tacky