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AIBU?

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Original poster

Proposed to him and he said no

719 replies

Sophie198643 · 09/03/2026 11:44

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 09/03/2026 17:44

Untalkative · 09/03/2026 17:31

Yes, this. I don't think he's done anything wrong. It's been a comparatively short relationship, she first mentioned marriage last August when his parents told her they hoped he'd propose, and while she doesn't tell us what he said then, when she brought up marriage again four months ago, he told her outright he wasn't ready. Four months later, she proposed to him and he said no, and that, if she was issuing an ultimatum (ie she would leave him if he refused to marry her), they would have to split up. He's been upfront.

The OP has also not answered the many posters who have asked how old she and her boyfriend are, so it's perfectly possible they're both about 22. At 22, I'd have howled with laughter if someone proposed to me and thought they had lost their mind. Marriage was not even in my top twenty things I was planning to do with my life in the next decade or no.

Show quote history

The OP says it took him 7 years to propose to his ex and also says they have been together 2 years so that is at least 9 years from him starting to go out with his ex. Very unlikely then that he is 22!

People are different. Me and DH got married 5 months after meeting. He was 23 and I was 25 and, no, I was not pregnant!

Nattyz1256 · 09/03/2026 17:51

Op you aren't even a healthy person to be in a relationship. Coming online to victimize yourself and complain about how you are angry that someone isn't doing what you want them to do, after your bullying, pressuring, and manipulation tactics.

You don't even respect him, and it is sounding like you don't even like him. You just like the fantasy in your head, and idea of being married. You don't want to be a partner. You don't want to compromise. You don't even want him.

You just want a "yes" footman that you can walk all over, and you just want to say "my husband". . perhaps show off a ring, and try to make others feel beneath you because they may not be married.

His family shouldn't be encouraging you neither, as I'm sure they know his stances. They actually should be very concerned about him, the relationship and type of woman he's chosen.

You want him to choose you above himself, I'm glad he didn't and stood ground.

Honestly he needs to leave you..
You really need to remain single if you can't be a "team" player. The world does not need your permission to revolve.

Be single for a while, and work on yourself. Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you to help you with control, rejection, and other issues that need addressing.

Sowhat1976 · 09/03/2026 17:53

Sophie198643 · 09/03/2026 11:44

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

How old are you @Sophie198643?

Itwasallyellow2 · 09/03/2026 17:54

Ok, he knows you want to get married and it is important to you. Give yourself an ultimatum. Set a date in your head by which time you want him to propose to you. Don’t tell him this, just have a date in your head. If he hasn’t proposed by this date then you know what you need to do. No pressure on him, no arguments, this is about you being true to yourself. Good luck OP.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 09/03/2026 17:56

@Sowhat1976 she's 31 with a son of either 9 or 15. We don't know her partner's age but he also has an 8-year old son.

AfraidToRun · 09/03/2026 18:24

Less than 2 years is a bit soon for proposals and marriage imo.

MintyFresh23 · 09/03/2026 18:25

I think you were totally right to ask him if he wanted to marry you - 2 years is long enough to know if you want to be with someone forever, and if you hadn't asked again, he could have strung you along for years.

I think the relationship is over now - you want different things. He knows marriage is important to you, but doesn't want to compromise to keep you in his life.

Whatweread · 09/03/2026 18:25

Highly doubt he plans to marry.

mydogisthebest · 09/03/2026 18:30

AfraidToRun · 09/03/2026 18:24

Less than 2 years is a bit soon for proposals and marriage imo.

I don't think it is too soon at all. You should know after 2 years, if not before, whether you want to be with someone or not. Certainly not too soon to get engaged considering so many couples have such long engagements

Franpie · 09/03/2026 18:32

Having seen from a PP that you both already have children then it’s not surprising that he’s not ready to get married after less than 2 years dating. That’s way too soon to be blending families.

JHound · 09/03/2026 18:36

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 09/03/2026 16:02

@JHound I always try to read a full thread before commenting but guess that's just me. Then I'm not wasting time being, for example, the 59th person asking how old the OP is or whether they have kids, as the answers to questions like that, if given in the thread, may mean giving very different advice than I might have done.

Very often an OP has several/previous threads and other posters know the OP from those threads and full in useful gaps.

That’s why people read all of OP’s comments. Not all the random comments on a multi page thread.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 09/03/2026 18:41

JHound · 09/03/2026 18:36

That’s why people read all of OP’s comments. Not all the random comments on a multi page thread.

Show quote history

If the OP had put in the full back story to begin with people's answers might well have been different. I have to wonder why she left some things out.

Build5bear · 09/03/2026 18:44

How old are you? Sounds like he is stringing you along (which he did for 7 years to his ex?)

He would rather lose you altogether than make you his permanently? He’s wasting your time. Give him the boot. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won’t. He’s been pretty upfront about his (lack of) feelings.

SALaw · 09/03/2026 18:49

Good news! He hasn’t just gone along with it when he isn’t actually wanting to marry you and therefore has done you a massive favour. End it and don’t waste more years hoping and waiting.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 09/03/2026 18:52

@Build5bear She's 31 with a son of either 9 or 15 years old. He has an 8-year old son.

Franjipanl8r · 09/03/2026 18:55

He’s just not that into you sorry. You are not his “one”.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 09/03/2026 18:56

My husband and I got married last year after 29 years together. Before that he really didn't want to get married, it didn't mean he didn't love me.

I think if you live each other what's the point. Until you are ready for children in which case there is a huge point!

ZenNudist · 09/03/2026 19:08

Age is very relevant here.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 09/03/2026 19:18

@ZenNudist She's 31 with a son of either 9 or 15 years old. He has an 8-year old son. They live quite some distance apart.

DyslexicPoster · 09/03/2026 19:19

Depends on how old you are, if you want kids etc.

I know some friends who was strung along for decades until they was then infertile. Its different for men. If your say 26 you can wait. But for how long?

Anyway why should it be all his terms? If he wants to wait that's fine. But if you don't to open endly wait that's fine too. You wasn't placed on this earth to furfil someone else's timeliness and needs.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 09/03/2026 19:26

@DyslexicPoster She's 31 with a son of either 9 or 15 years old. He has an 8-year old son. They live quite some distance apart.

Calliopespa · 09/03/2026 19:31

DappledThings · 09/03/2026 11:56

He had another 4 months. Assuming he never clarified what "more time" means then it seems a reasonable gap to me to ask the question and find out where you stand.

It doesn't sound like he needed more time, it sounds like he deflecting and trying to kick it down the road indefinitely. Better to find out now than in another year or 5 years or whenever "more time" has been deemed to have passed.

Show quote history

In all honesty, if I had told someone I needed more time, I'd be a bit ticked off if they formally popped the question just four months later. I mean that's 16 weeks ...

I'm sorry op, as I see how disappointing this is, but if you don't want to wait, i think this one's not for you.

Catcatcatcatcat · 09/03/2026 19:34

Don’t hang about. Move on…

MaryBeardsShoes · 09/03/2026 19:42

“he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up.“

oh boo fucking hoo, who hasn’t been hurt before.

It must have stung OP, but he’s given you his answer. Now it’s up to you what you do. If I was you I wouldn’t waste any more of your precious time with him as he’s not likely to change his mind. And do you even want to be with someone who had to be cajoled into it.

Namingbaba · 09/03/2026 19:45

I don’t know how you come back from this. There are details missed out but from what you’ve said he doesn’t seem that interested. I’d move on.