Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I have read FT, thanks and nowhere does she state her age. Even got CHatGTP to check it in case I was having a mental fart.

Looks like I failed to do a stalkerish search elsewhere for all her threads. Will pass on that. I also am not required to read 10 pages of other peoples responses based on their stalking…

He said (wisely, as you should never get wed before you’re ready) he needed more time. It wasn’t the right time for him when you proposed. At least he’s not stringing you along.

Correlation does not equal causation.

That's a wild definition of stalking you have there.

I was the other posters who checked a previous thread by the poster because I vaguely remembered her name from a fairly recent (February) post about her partner of 2 yrs. I wouldn't class taht as stalking... its basically the same concept as reading all the OPs comments (if there were multiple) on a thread to get a better understanding of the situation.

Why on earth would anybody read every single comment on a 12 page thread?!

This!

Plus. His experience has been that a loving relationship has ended after 7 years, so he sees this could easily happen again!

I think you'll probably have to wait until he's ready to ask you - likely after 7 years - and not before.

@JHound I always try to read a full thread before commenting but guess that's just me. Then I'm not wasting time being, for example, the 59th person asking how old the OP is or whether they have kids, as the answers to questions like that, if given in the thread, may mean giving very different advice than I might have done.

Very often an OP has several/previous threads and other posters know the OP from those threads and full in useful gaps.

Why is marriage so important to you? Do you want the security, or children, or the wedding? If you really love this man then you need to sort out your own feelings about marriage, could be that you decide you want him more than a wedding, but if it is the other way around then leave now.

Whatever you decide I think you need to accept that he isn’t interested in marriage and hasn’t been for quite a long time, if ever. At least he isn’t keeping you dangling any more, you know where you stand. The next move is up to you.

Must depend on your social circle, and what area you live in.

I live in a upper middle class/upper class area, and know and many professionals, and upper middle classes, and upper classes, and very well educated people.

Most of them don't decide to get married just 2 years into their relationship. 5-6 years in - maybe. But not 2 years.... And it will be another 2-3 years before they marry.

And none of them have split up! (Yet!) The ones I know (who didn't marry until about 7-9 years after meeting,) have been married 8 to 20 years thus far!

.

Absolutely this. @Sophie198643 if you had asked for advice at the time you originally suggested marriage I would have suggested give 6 months and if nothing changes you have your answer. Your way was just shy of that. He really sounds like very hard work to communicate with and he is not interested in progressing things with you I think it is time to take him at his word and finish up.

More info needed. Do you live together? If you don't he's not BU because you need to live with someone awhile before knowing it's going to work. I Dont think 2 years is long enough for an engagement. I agree with him on this one. If you genuinely feel he doesn't love you and won't want to marry in the future then that's different and you need to break up.

Cringe 😬

Why is getting married so important to you??

I bet you are bringing more to the table than him. I would not be hanging around for this dope.

You’ve been together less than 2 years total and 4 months ago he said he wasn’t ready and your reaction was to propose to him?

If the genders were reversed here, this would be getting much more criticism for being totally dismissive of his readiness (he is entitled to love you but not be ready for marriage especially after a previous failed engagement).

The thing to do would’ve been to give it more time and then discuss at a later date and not to put him on the spot to try and force the issue and embarrass him into accepting thereby ensuring you get your own way at his expense.

"I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me".
Sadly, there is really nothing you can do except move on. No point wasting any more time in this relationship.

I am also in a professional middle class circle. My brother is a dentist and he was the last in his social circle to get married. Most couples are not waiting the best part of 10 years to get engaged, and most educated people know that if you meet your life partner in your mid-to-late 20s you aren't having many children if you wait a decade to get married.

If you have interest in getting married, you need to move on. It will not happen with this fella.

It doesn't sound as if you are compatible OP.
At least you know that he doesn't love you the way you love him. (He is waiting for something - perhaps to make sure no-one better comes by?)

However sad this is - keep in mind that you do deserve better. (Everyone does.)

We know already he isn’t. He’s two years into a relationship and he’s still using the last one as an excuse to not more things one. Get In The Bin.

Ask the posters saying give him time, she gave him 4 months! That's plenty of time to think about your feelings if you're a mature adult. How long should she have let him string her along?

My sister met the love of her life in her 20s but was fixated on the idea of marriage where he just never wanted to. They split up. She has regretted it ever since

I don't agree with all the posts saying the OP's boyfriend has been stringing her along. Lots of men stall and future-fake, but it doesn't sound like he's one of them. He even told the OP he'd rather split up with her than marry her. He's been pretty upfront.

He doesn't want to get married, you do. If it is a deal breaker for you, or you won't be happy to continue as you are for any length of time, then you will need to walk away.

When you do end it, you have to make it clear it's not an ultimatum and not a way to force his hand. You have different aspirations for your lives.

The absolute worst thing would be to pressure him into it or for him to agree to get married just to hang onto you. That won't end well.

The proposal to his ex could have been some sort of sticking plaster effort, he may not have wanted to marry her either.

Just rip the plaster off and move on OP...

Yes, this. I don't think he's done anything wrong. It's been a comparatively short relationship, she first mentioned marriage last August when his parents told her they hoped he'd propose, and while she doesn't tell us what he said then, when she brought up marriage again four months ago, he told her outright he wasn't ready. Four months later, she proposed to him and he said no, and that, if she was issuing an ultimatum (ie she would leave him if he refused to marry her), they would have to split up. He's been upfront.

The OP has also not answered the many posters who have asked how old she and her boyfriend are, so it's perfectly possible they're both about 22. At 22, I'd have howled with laughter if someone proposed to me and thought they had lost their mind. Marriage was not even in my top twenty things I was planning to do with my life in the next decade or no.

Well I think 2 years is more than enough time to know whether you want to be with someone or not. If they got engaged they still probably would not get married for a few years. Not sure why so many couples take so long