Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

The other thing about fuckers like him is that you are wrong to hint/ask/talk about it. But God forgive you if you say nothing and walk away when you reach the end of your tether without having discussed it with him first. Simultaneously you are supposed to have never mentioned it and talked it through.

Also, take this as a blessing in disguise. Imagine if you waited so long and he wasted more of your time. I have a friend that waited 7 years and eventually the guy proposed and they got married....but she filed for seperation/divorce one year after marriage as she realised he did not really love her and turned into a marriage of convenience. The next guy she met proposed to her 6 months into their relationship. And now they have been married 10 years.

@Sophie198643 Are you ever going to come on and explain your situation to the numerous posters here responding to you?

That you are 31, you both have children from previous relationships, don't live together in fact you are quite a distance apart and that will likely not change any time soon as the children are settled in different areas, he stays with you a few times a week only.

So there is more complexity than your standard marriage as you'd be blending families and still long distance?

Commitment doesn't equal marriage in the same way marriage doesn't necessarily equal commitment. A lot of people on here seem to be of the view that in order for a relationship to be deemed a 'success' it has to include a marriage and anyone who doesn't automatically want that is faking something. It doesn't; they aren't necessarily. Look at how they act and treat you. There's many partnerships where the couple never marry, and are very committed, and there's many marriages which are built on shallow affect, convenience, lack of intimacy or numerous other reasons. Many marriages also break down - as do many non-married relationships. So, what I'm saying, in a convulated way, is look at the relationship as a whole. Don't count it by constructed milestones, but what's positive about it. It's he kind? Have you weathered storms together? Two years isn't that long. Marriage isn't everything.

Thinking about lots of the married couples I know, pretty much zero correlation between length of relationship before getting married and whether it lasted. Plenty of cases where (usually the man) took bloody ages to decide if he was ready and resulted in very happy marriages and also plenty of ‘I knew immediately’ couples whose marriage ended in divorce. No right answer but you need to be sort of on the same page.

Quick marriages seem to work in my family. My parents had a whirlwind romance and their marriage lasted 64 years. We were married less than two years after we met and are still solid after 26 years.

OP, I salute you. In the normal world of direct, adult communication, if you know you want a thing, you ask for it. You may not have received the answer you were hoping for but at least you do have an answer. This was the courageous option, and ultimately will be far less painful than the protracted sunk costs fallacy involved in squandering your youth and fertility on 'waiting for a ring'.

I couldn't disagree more strongly with the posts upthread suggesting that you should have left the ball in his court. Why should you? There's no rule that the man in the relationship gets sole say in a decision affecting both people's futures, and in any case that ship has sailed. These things are painful to face but still far easier and better than the other (weaker) option.

The kindest thing you can now do for yourself is to take his answer completely at face value. If marriage is the future you envision for yourself then, sadly, that future is not going to include this partner. But whatever you decide, your choices for your future will now be fully informed ones.

You've done exactly the right thing.

Is 2 years really long enough, I don't think it is. If he's been hurt before and the wedding was called off, the thought of marriage may be a trigger for him. Give it more time if he's worth the wait.

Please don’t devote any more time to this man if marriage is important to you. He’s given you the gift of time: to move on and find a likeminded love without wasting your life on him.

You probably hurt badly now, and I hope you’re ok, but it would be much much worse 10 years down the line.

You’ve been together less than 2 years, don’t live together and you both have children to consider?
No, I can fully see why he’s not ready yet. You’ve a lot to work out before you’re at the stage of tying yourselves together legally.

It took us a decade - we first agreed to marry after half that time - but other more urgent things got in the way. Deaths of parents, establishing careers, a lot of other things simply had to make priority and grief doesn't necessarily leave people in the right mindset for such decisions. There's no right or wrong barring what's right for the two individuals concerned, and sometimes life has a nasty habit of making those choices for us.

This post did set me thinking as in our relationship it was DH who first wanted marriage. After a further five years I suggested the move the second time and neither took the form of any Hallmark style 'proposal'. They were discussions.

The point I'm trying to make is this - I wasn't originally bothered about marriage but he was. This would only have been an issue had I known for certain I didn't want to marry him. If I wasn't bothered, but I knew it mattered to the person I loved and wanted to spend my life with then why would I not do this?

This, IMO, tells you your answer; and the answer of 'I'm not ready' is one I would take very much as a 'no'. . It's therefore much for the best that OP took the bull by the horns and asked outright.

In my experience if a man wants to do something he usually does it.

Thank god @TiredCatLady is one of those seemingly rare folk who read a full thread. Wish more would. Save themselves a lot of bother.

I'd have thought 2 years would normally be enough to decide-now obviously if one of you has been working/studying away, and you've not actually had enough time together, that is an issue, and if so, I'd give him the time, if for example, he wants to live together for 6 months first.
Really don't see why any adult should need 7 years to propose. If he does, that's his right, but he wouldn't be the one for me, and sounds like you're the same, and better to know and move on, depending on whether you can both compromise on a time frame. Don't know if you're planning a child, but obviously you and he would need to agree and that might affect how long you're willing/able to wait.

Neither of you are being unreasonable you just have different views. I don’t think it takes 7 years to know if this is a person you want to marry unless you met as kids.

But now you have a choice to make. Stay and wait for a proposal that may never happen or walk.

@Pistachiocake which of them should relocate their child to be able to give living together a try, as they live some distance apart?

This is what I believe. When men are with the One for them they tend not to waste time. I always assume when he takes years to propose (assuming he wants marriage) part of him is hoping that a better match comes alone before he chooses to settle for Ms “She’ll Do”.

OP, be glad you know.
You are absolutely wasting your time with him.
Well done for finding out.
Don't be the "fine for now girlfriend".
I'm sorry.

Not sure why people feel OP has jumped the gun. She waited 4m before proposing, not a couple of days. I’m in the camp that would argue that if you don’t ‘know’ after 2 years, then it isn’t right. For whatever reason, this man is emotionally arrested for all his claims to love you @Sophie198643

You don’t indicate how old you are, but having watched my DSis hang on for years with a man who claimed to love her and want to marry her one day, only to tell her at nearly 39 that he’d changed his mind about marriage and kids, I’d tell any friend in your shoes to let this one go. DSis missed her chance at children, though she has now met someone else and is engaged and very very happy as a step mu to adult children.

Take time to heal, dust yourself off and go and meet someone new. This one is not for you. He’s probably not for anyone if it took him 7 years to propose to his ex. This is about him, not you.

Throw him back OP, life's too short to not be on the same page.
He's dictating the cadence of your relationship now so where will it end? Will he change his mind about other things such as children etc?

Your partner told you not so long ago, that he needed more time and yet 4 months later, you propose and wonder why he said No!! 🤔 He made it perfectly clear to you that he's not ready to be engaged, yet you've pushed him.

He's aware that marriage is important to you, as you have told him. You've only been together 2 years, which isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. On top of that he proposed to his ex after being together 7 years!! So he's hardly Mr Spontaneous, is he?? If you'd been together 4-5 years and there hadn't been a proposal, then fair enough walk away.

Unfortunately, if he did decide to propose to you now, you'd have no idea if he's asking because he genuinely wants to marry you or because he feels pressurised into doing so.

You have two choices: continue as you are, and hope at some point he proposes. Or, you end the relationship, citing that you aren't on the same page and timeframe.

@CautiousLurker2 if you'd RTFT you'd know OP says she's 31 and has a son of either 9 or 15, depending on which of her previous threads is accurate on that score. Her partner also has a son of 8.

Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no.

From his perspective 4 months isn’t enough time to decide.

I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up.

He said you needed to split up? Or you did?

Are you living together?

I’d move back home and let him do the running.

OP has only made one post on this thread - the opening post?

To be fair, OP only has one post on this thread. Where are people finding information about her children on this thread?

Has she had a name change fail?

@JHound Two of us independently did an advanced search on the OPs previous posts as we recognised the name and something didn't add up, especially when she never returned to answer obvious questions. So we supplied the answers. Unfortunately people don't seem to read the full thread.