Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

I think the main problem here is this line:
My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.
This is your mum outright admitting (but not realising you’d see!) that they didn’t want you there. It wasn’t because it was last minute, it isn’t something you can just gloss over and all agree to include each other next time… this is deliberate. Is there any more back story to this, have you felt left out in the past or has something like this happened before? I’m sorry, it must be really hurtful. I hope they’re a bit more honest with you about what is going on here.

they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want

I do agree with this though. Whatever the reason, they didn't want to include you. I think you should invite your mum to do something different with you and not give too much weight to this.

Yes that’s exactly it. They won’t tell me why they didn’t want me there.

Theres no massive drip feed or missing context. We’ve had disagreements or ups and downs in the past but nothing massive, I think my Mum has felt that we put her in the middle sometimes when it happens but I don’t think I have a horrible personality, I have a child but they’re well behaved, there’s nothing I could think I’ve done as to why I would have been excluded, which I think is partly why I’m tying myself in knots over the situation. I’d rather just know if I had, if they would be honest with me as to why I could take accountability and try to fix what I’d done wrong.

I think growing up I did always feel a bit like the odd one out of the family, and I was very independent from a young age, but as adults I thought we were all pretty close.

What a disgusting comment.

If they won't tell you, there's not much you can do. They should at least give you the chance to rectify things (if there is even something to rectify). I think that's bad of them and I'd probably be happy to keep my distance. Is it a conversation you can have with your mother? Or will she just be put in the middle and pressured to disclose confidences then?

in these situations people are not always honest and if you distance yourself in some family’s they just carry on with the dynamic of you being on the outside.

sometimes it’s best to try and put it to one side and not rock the boat.

i would be very hurt in your situation though

Not disgusting in the least. The OP asked if she were being unreasonable and over sensitive. I think she’s being both. But I’m going to assume there’s something else going on for her to explain her dramatic response.

If you are the only one with a child, and you always turn up with said child- that’s it. That’s the reason. They may love your child but the reality is that when a child is involved the dynamic changes. Completely. They want an adult brunch. And they won’t say because they don’t want to seem like your kids a problem or they don’t love them.

I don't think it's dramatic to be hurt by finding out your siblings didn't want you with them for some reason they won't share, and feeling the need to talk about it, in OP's situation, here.

Yes, I think this would happen. They’re all similar personalities and quite stubborn, whereas I’m a bit more like my Dad and more of a people pleaser type. I know if I distance myself they would just carry on as normal.

Im really trying to just let it blow over so as not to lose them but I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m also worried if this will be the new normal now, will they decide to just meet all the time without me, and my DD is a bit too young to really understand now but she adores her family and they left her out too, would they do it again when she is old enough to understand?

@worstnotholiday I’m not the only with a child, there are others and they went. We do tend to mostly get together with the children as they’re all young but not always.

Be honest with yourself OP - is your child a bit more of a handful in these settings than other children? (Speaking as a mother who had one such child).

They are being horrible and the fact that they have been caught out and being catty is to hide their embarrassment as they are cringing you now know what they are really like. I would step right back from them until they apologise and realise they are being downright nasty and hurtful. So ur own thing and get on with it and let them explain what the family is broken. Horrible, I feel bad for you and it’s not right what they have done.

Ask your mum. I’d be devastated too.

It’s really hard but sometimes putting your energies into more rewarding relationships can help over time then you might feel less vulnerable, it was hurtful of them because it raises doubts in your mind that you might never get to the bottom of….and it might never have been intended to hurt you so much

I'm sorry your mother can't protect you.

FYI.. I’ve reported sir spamalot

I understand your hurt. My siblings and their families organise catch ups with my father several times a year without me. My sister has a strong dislike for me and they would rather keep her happy, I guess. I get along with both my brother and father quite well. I've been working through it these last few years and it isn't easy but I feel I've come to peace with it now. You can't force people to include you, even family. It is extremely sad though and has definitely affected me deeply. I feel for you.

"I don’t think I have a horrible personality"

@AIBUfamilydrama is it possible one of your siblings has a different perspective?

Maybe there is an imbalance in finances.

Could they, somehow, feel inadequate in your presence?

Are you smarter/richer/more judgey/critical?

Or you may even be the family scapegoat?

I suspect you, may very well, have an inkling

another wee thought @AIBUfamilydrama

"I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends" may be the key?

There is a reason they just do not want to come out with it. Maybe write them a letter asking if you have offended someone or if your dc is very disruptive, if you never pay?

I'm sorry op. I'd want to know why I was suddanly blackballed too.

I think this is one of the rare mumsnet posts where you all are simultaneously unreasonable but at the same time reasonable.

It’s completely understandable that you feel left out - you were. At the same time, they are allowed to get together for breakfast without including everybody all the time. It’s a fairly informal get together, it’s not like it was a family wedding.

It’s understandable that you want to understand why or want an explanation… but they don’t want to give you one and you aren’t owed an explanation. Demanding one will just blow this up into something bigger as you’ve no idea if they’re telling you the truth or if they tell you the truth it might be a truth you didn’t want to hear.

Being left out hurts, but forced inclusivity doesn’t feel any better… do you really want to sit around a table knowing that two thirds of the family didn’t want you there?
Plan your own family events, accept invitations as they come - that way you’ll know that you are genuinely wanted and valued, and in the meantime, build up your own family and friendships.

What a nasty, spiteful post. I hope you feel better about yourself.