Page 7 | AIBU to say I shouldn’t have to taxi to baby swimming so DH can play golf during paternity leave?

Frozenbroccoli · 2026-03-08T19:51:11+00:00

DH is currently on paternity leave. He gets 3 months and has decided to take them split into one month blocks. Last week he asked if I was okay for him to play golf on Monday (tomorrow). I said fine, although mildly irked as this is the 4th time and we're only 2 weeks into this block of paternity leave, or golf leave as he seems to think it is. That was that. I was then talking to my mum about DD’s swimming lesson, which is also on Mondays, and DH asked how I was getting there. I said in the car, a bit confused. He then told me he’s taking the car for golf. I said he wasn’t, because he hadn’t asked if he could have the car. He often gets collected for golf as he knows I need it, so going to golf doesn’t usually mean taking the car. He said fine, he just won’t go but now he’s making me feel bad and said they only moved it from Friday because he didn’t want to leave me with both children (we also have a 3 year old). So he’s now suggesting I just get a taxi. I really can’t be bothered with the faff of getting a taxi though. AIBU to say no? For context, the golf course is about a 33 minute drive away and would take around 1 hour 10 minutes on public transport. None of his friends are passing to collect him, although he could get the train to the nearest station and get a lift from there. DD’s swimming lesson is about a 10 minute drive. Of course I could skip swimming, DD is only 6 months so it’s more for fun than anything, but it’s one of the only classes we do while I’m on maternity leave and I’d rather not miss it. *TL;DR:* DH wants to take the car to golf while on paternity leave, which would mean I’d need to get a taxi to take our 6 month old to her swimming lesson (10 min drive). AIBU to say I’d rather keep the car?

JTRSOP · 09/03/2026 09:33

Itsmetheflamingo · 08/03/2026 20:21

Hmm I’m surprised that I don’t see the big deal. It seems like a very pedestrian disagreement over who should take the car, which occasionally happens in one car households. I’d probably just have one party drop the other off and pick up or use a taxi fro the short journey

This. I know he’s on paternity leave, but that doesn’t mean glued to the baby constantly. This wouldn’t bother me at all and I’d get a taxi or bus. And definitely ask him to return the favour.

Maybe I’m too laid back 😂

Original poster

Frozenbroccoli · 09/03/2026 10:57

Thanks for all your comments. DH had a read through and accepted he was being unreasonable, he went to golf as we had previously agreed but left me the car...he's just text to say they got kicked off the course due to fog so they're going to play elsewhere. Decided to go to the course opposite the pool DD has her lessons at 😂

Whilst I don't have any hobbies, I do meet my friends for dinner, have a spa day booked and two weekend away hen dos coming up so it's not like I'm without leisure time. DH also does DS swimming lessons on a Friday so he definitely does his fair share.

I don't mind him playing golf a few times on leave (he'd drive me insane if we were together 24/7 for an entire month) but I don't think I should be put out to enable it. My options for swimming were taxis, 2 busses or a 55 min walk.

For those wondering why women put up with this kind of behaviour, I'm not sure why some do, but I definitely don't as you can see in my post I literally told him no he wasn't taking the car, it wasn't even a debate, I just wanted others options to see if I was being unfair.

OP posts:

Shithotlawyer · 09/03/2026 10:57

The idea that the DH thinks it's ok to be off for whole afternoons and would be (on paper) fine with DW taking time for hobbies too, reveals he hasn't really grasped the depth of what baby parenting is about.

As a main carer for a small baby (even 6m old one) you should probably find it quite hard to go off and put yourself into a different zone for 8 hours - going back to adult issues, adult pace, thinking about your own needs first. It's hard and skilful training yourself to go at baby pace and it's an embodied job for the parent - managing your constant attention and vigilance. Often getting into the baby's pace has demanded lots of effort and sacrifice of comfort and tears over the baby's short life.

If you're away for even a day, it throws off your hard-won attention to the baby's 24 hour cycle that you have developed. It kind of messes up the natural pacing and minute by minute connection if you just take a day off. Often you don't even enjoy the time off!! because getting back to the outside world requires an adjustment also.

Doesn't mean you have to be glued together or never get a haircut for an hour, but most mums feel this pull of the baby cycle and "don't want to be away from the baby". The fact that DH doesn't think it would be an issue for DW to "have a day off" shows that he isn't feeling the deep rhythms of parenting babies. I think paternity leave, at its best, gives men the precious chance to feel those rhythms. It's unlike a period of going to work, even shift work. It's unlike spending time on hobbies. So he should be taking the opportunity to live in that rhythm, rather than just staying in his "work identity" and performing a sequence of tasks and then getting time off. Its a sort of surrender that is required.

And then practically speaking, when you both go back to work after maternity leave things can be hard because even when the babies are older they are still up in the night or up at 5.30 and there is still that pull towards "baby pace" conflicting with "work pace". I agree with the pp who said the pat leave should be used for bonding but also getting on top of rest. Parents have hard and tiring years, not just hard and tiring months. Use all the time when you don't have to work, to lean into it and pace yourselves.

Shithotlawyer · 09/03/2026 11:00

BTW those were general musings rather than about you OP - it looks like you've sorted it well!

Delatron · 09/03/2026 11:06

Good outcome OP and I’m happy you are getting the equivalent leisure time.

Isthateveryonethen · 09/03/2026 11:22

CrocusesFlowering · 08/03/2026 19:58

I'll repeat what I just said on another thread
Christ - another shit husband.

With who men continuously have kids with. I absolutely guarantee you he was shit with the first one too.
This level of selfishness doesn’t spring overnight. It’s there in every sense of the way, but many women choose to ignore it.

Isthateveryonethen · 09/03/2026 11:27

Well you clearly are downplaying this as you mentioned how irked you were at the golf and how frequently this is. Even called it golf leave.

TheignT · 09/03/2026 11:27

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/03/2026 00:34

You did say Paternity Leave and not Annual Leave ?!!!

Ever been on maternity leave? Did you spend every waking hour of every day with the baby? Ever go to the hairdresser's or visit a friend? Did you ever sit down and eat a meal or have a cup of tea. How terrible it was maternity leave not a holiday.

He got it wrong about today but he is allowed to do something for himself. From what the OP says it sounds like he is doing useful stuff.

People are so joyful to jump on a man for whatever reason.

TheignT · 09/03/2026 11:34

Shithotlawyer · 09/03/2026 10:57

The idea that the DH thinks it's ok to be off for whole afternoons and would be (on paper) fine with DW taking time for hobbies too, reveals he hasn't really grasped the depth of what baby parenting is about.

As a main carer for a small baby (even 6m old one) you should probably find it quite hard to go off and put yourself into a different zone for 8 hours - going back to adult issues, adult pace, thinking about your own needs first. It's hard and skilful training yourself to go at baby pace and it's an embodied job for the parent - managing your constant attention and vigilance. Often getting into the baby's pace has demanded lots of effort and sacrifice of comfort and tears over the baby's short life.

If you're away for even a day, it throws off your hard-won attention to the baby's 24 hour cycle that you have developed. It kind of messes up the natural pacing and minute by minute connection if you just take a day off. Often you don't even enjoy the time off!! because getting back to the outside world requires an adjustment also.

Doesn't mean you have to be glued together or never get a haircut for an hour, but most mums feel this pull of the baby cycle and "don't want to be away from the baby". The fact that DH doesn't think it would be an issue for DW to "have a day off" shows that he isn't feeling the deep rhythms of parenting babies. I think paternity leave, at its best, gives men the precious chance to feel those rhythms. It's unlike a period of going to work, even shift work. It's unlike spending time on hobbies. So he should be taking the opportunity to live in that rhythm, rather than just staying in his "work identity" and performing a sequence of tasks and then getting time off. Its a sort of surrender that is required.

And then practically speaking, when you both go back to work after maternity leave things can be hard because even when the babies are older they are still up in the night or up at 5.30 and there is still that pull towards "baby pace" conflicting with "work pace". I agree with the pp who said the pat leave should be used for bonding but also getting on top of rest. Parents have hard and tiring years, not just hard and tiring months. Use all the time when you don't have to work, to lean into it and pace yourselves.

Gosh isn't the OP terrible going away for two weekends. Well no she isn't, perfectly reasonable and good for her. Same for him having a game of golf, just a mix up about the car.

Maybe he actually knows his wife better than you do.

OP enjoy your spa day and weekends away. I'm sure you and baby will survive without the minute by minute connection. Very healthy and normal.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 09/03/2026 11:38

So reading your update, golf sometimes on days you don’t need the car or have baby classes etc would work. I think it’s just a case of planning as you share a car.

Tableforjoan · 09/03/2026 11:40

Glad he left the car. That was the right thing to do.

As others said children come first for the car especially on a prearranged established routine thing. An emergency would be different of course but golf isn’t.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 09/03/2026 11:42

Shithotlawyer · 09/03/2026 10:57

The idea that the DH thinks it's ok to be off for whole afternoons and would be (on paper) fine with DW taking time for hobbies too, reveals he hasn't really grasped the depth of what baby parenting is about.

As a main carer for a small baby (even 6m old one) you should probably find it quite hard to go off and put yourself into a different zone for 8 hours - going back to adult issues, adult pace, thinking about your own needs first. It's hard and skilful training yourself to go at baby pace and it's an embodied job for the parent - managing your constant attention and vigilance. Often getting into the baby's pace has demanded lots of effort and sacrifice of comfort and tears over the baby's short life.

If you're away for even a day, it throws off your hard-won attention to the baby's 24 hour cycle that you have developed. It kind of messes up the natural pacing and minute by minute connection if you just take a day off. Often you don't even enjoy the time off!! because getting back to the outside world requires an adjustment also.

Doesn't mean you have to be glued together or never get a haircut for an hour, but most mums feel this pull of the baby cycle and "don't want to be away from the baby". The fact that DH doesn't think it would be an issue for DW to "have a day off" shows that he isn't feeling the deep rhythms of parenting babies. I think paternity leave, at its best, gives men the precious chance to feel those rhythms. It's unlike a period of going to work, even shift work. It's unlike spending time on hobbies. So he should be taking the opportunity to live in that rhythm, rather than just staying in his "work identity" and performing a sequence of tasks and then getting time off. Its a sort of surrender that is required.

And then practically speaking, when you both go back to work after maternity leave things can be hard because even when the babies are older they are still up in the night or up at 5.30 and there is still that pull towards "baby pace" conflicting with "work pace". I agree with the pp who said the pat leave should be used for bonding but also getting on top of rest. Parents have hard and tiring years, not just hard and tiring months. Use all the time when you don't have to work, to lean into it and pace yourselves.

What a load of rubbish.

CurlewKate · 09/03/2026 11:47

If you want to be accommodating, suggest you both go swimming-one of you does the baby lesson , and the other one takes the 3 year old in for a swim. Then you go home and he can go and play golf. And then tomorrow you have both of them while you go and do something you like doing.

Shithotlawyer · 09/03/2026 11:48

I knew someone would say that, someone always does. Still right though. If you don't need to get in tune with your baby consciously you are probably doing it wrong.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/03/2026 11:56

Frozenbroccoli · 08/03/2026 20:47

Thanks all, I didn't think I was being unreasonable, I guess it's just because swimming isn't that far away that I thought people might be more on the fence but glad to hear that what I was thinking was fair.

Just to add he's not completely useless, is doing all the housework and laundry whilst on leave, and he gets up at 5:30am with our 3 year old, and does the nursery run so I get to have a lie in so I think all of that makes me wonder if I'm being a little harsh too.

Plus we've recently moved to my hometown, away from his, and he misses his friends who have taken the day off work to play. If it was the Tuesday it would be fine, although does still irritate me that it's the 4th time playing golf in 2 weeks.

It's hard too because if I said to him I'm going to take 6 hours to myself to spend on a hobby he'd be totally fine with it, would actually encourage me, but I don't have any hobbies and don't really want to be away from my baby.

As for dropping him off at golf so I can keep the car, that's a hard no. Would be a hour round trip there and back and then another hour to collect him, I'd rather just miss swimming than do that!

And to the person who asked why swimming lessons are important for a tiny baby, they're not really, just a nice class we enjoy together, she loves the water and is nice bonding time.

I was going to say he was being a dick, but having read this update, I'm now thinking 'Oh, just get an Uber'.

I do think that next time he suggests he goes off to play golf or something, you say 'Sure, but you'll need to get a lift/taxi/bus so I'm not stuck here without a car'.

Fast5 · 09/03/2026 12:03

Yes, the update, whilst no doubt intended to make sure you're not painted as a doormat, makes you very very unreasonable OP.

Delatron · 09/03/2026 13:07

Fast5 · 09/03/2026 12:03

Yes, the update, whilst no doubt intended to make sure you're not painted as a doormat, makes you very very unreasonable OP.

No it doesn’t! How so?

Of course she shouldn’t be faffing around cabs/public transport with a baby and a 3 year old whilst the DH has his 4th golf day in the space of 2 weeks.

I am happy with the update - OP is making sure she has equal time off. I’m sure she doesn’t disappear off with the car and leave him stranded with 2 kids….

Makingsenseofitall · 09/03/2026 13:10

Why doesn’t he want to take dd swimming and spend
time with you all?

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 09/03/2026 13:58

Fast5 · 09/03/2026 12:03

Yes, the update, whilst no doubt intended to make sure you're not painted as a doormat, makes you very very unreasonable OP.

?

Ijustwanttogohome · 09/03/2026 14:01

Makingsenseofitall · 09/03/2026 13:10

Why doesn’t he want to take dd swimming and spend
time with you all?

Maybe because he’s a human being with a life outside of being a parent?

Same reason the OP is going for a spa day and dinners with friends.

Not everyone wants to spend 24/7 with their families, I love mine to bits but still want a life of my own too.

Corb · 09/03/2026 18:52

How did he get on? Nice day for golf today

TheignT · 09/03/2026 23:21

Makingsenseofitall · 09/03/2026 13:10

Why doesn’t he want to take dd swimming and spend
time with you all?

If it's like the class I take GS to they only allow one adult with the baby (or toddler now in GSs case). Not sure if the are all the same but we are in a small pool next to the main pool and some weeks it's 12 adults with 12 babies, we wouldn't be able to move with 24 adults and 12 babies. OP likes it, says it's fun ,(I agree have a great time with GS) so maybe he lost out with this one but he gets to take the three year old.

TheignT · 09/03/2026 23:24

Delatron · 09/03/2026 13:07

No it doesn’t! How so?

Of course she shouldn’t be faffing around cabs/public transport with a baby and a 3 year old whilst the DH has his 4th golf day in the space of 2 weeks.

I am happy with the update - OP is making sure she has equal time off. I’m sure she doesn’t disappear off with the car and leave him stranded with 2 kids….

Show quote history

I think the three year old is probably at nursery or something, I don't know any pools that let one adult take two young children in the pool.

TheignT · 09/03/2026 23:26

CurlewKate · 09/03/2026 11:47

If you want to be accommodating, suggest you both go swimming-one of you does the baby lesson , and the other one takes the 3 year old in for a swim. Then you go home and he can go and play golf. And then tomorrow you have both of them while you go and do something you like doing.

OP has already said she takes baby swimming on Mondays and he takes the three year old on Fridays.