AIBU to say I shouldn’t have to taxi to baby swimming so DH can play golf during paternity leave?

[Frozenbroccoli]

DH is currently on paternity leave. He gets 3 months and has decided to take them split into one month blocks.

Last week he asked if I was okay for him to play golf on Monday (tomorrow). I said fine, although mildly irked as this is the 4th time and we're only 2 weeks into this block of paternity leave, or golf leave as he seems to think it is. That was that.

I was then talking to my mum about DD’s swimming lesson, which is also on Mondays, and DH asked how I was getting there. I said in the car, a bit confused. He then told me he’s taking the car for golf.

I said he wasn’t, because he hadn’t asked if he could have the car. He often gets collected for golf as he knows I need it, so going to golf doesn’t usually mean taking the car. He said fine, he just won’t go but now he’s making me feel bad and said they only moved it from Friday because he didn’t want to leave me with both children (we also have a 3 year old). So he’s now suggesting I just get a taxi.

I really can’t be bothered with the faff of getting a taxi though. AIBU to say no?

For context, the golf course is about a 33 minute drive away and would take around 1 hour 10 minutes on public transport. None of his friends are passing to collect him, although he could get the train to the nearest station and get a lift from there. DD’s swimming lesson is about a 10 minute drive.

Of course I could skip swimming, DD is only 6 months so it’s more for fun than anything, but it’s one of the only classes we do while I’m on maternity leave and I’d rather not miss it.

TL;DR: DH wants to take the car to golf while on paternity leave, which would mean I’d need to get a taxi to take our 6 month old to her swimming lesson (10 min drive). AIBU to say I’d rather keep the car?

I was asking if walking was feasible. My husband went back to Afghanistan two weeks after I gave birth to my youngest and I regularly walked to the leisure centre, supermarket etc as a solo parent because I have functioning legs and enjoyed the exercise. I know we're all on different situations but I'm not sure why you think it's a ridiculous suggestion

My husband would never have dreamed of not coming to the swimming pool with me and our two children during his paternity leave.
Your husband needs to understand that he is a dad now, with equal responsibility for the house and children with you. It means he gets to clean, cook and look after the children, all split 50 percent with you while he is on paternity leave.
You could of course take the view that while he is on paternity leave you get a break and go off for a long weekend with your girlfriends, leaving him with both kids.
I really highly recommend you do this so he gains an understanding early on of how hard it is to manage a baby and a toddler.
Right now he has a lot to learn.
It will be different if he is working full time while you are a stay at home mum. I don’t recommend that with this man tbh. He is self-centred.

If you read the update he actually does do his fair share.

What a useless oaf! He may as well go back to work. Doesn’t he know what paternity leave is for?

He's a selfish arse.

Another pathetic selfish husband 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Absolutely no fucking way should he be off playing golf. Ask him to take his baby swimming and you get to have a leisurely bath/cuppa/read!!

Angry for you OP!!

Have you asked him what he thinks paternity leave is for? It sure as hell isn’t for playing golf, especially not four times in two weeks.

I just hope this isn’t shared parental leave and you haven’t given up some of your mat leave for this. What a pathetic man.

Actually, based on your updates...
He gets public transport or you get a taxi. Which of it depends on how doable the way with car seat would be.

And what would he be thinking about you taking 4 days out of the last 14 to go do a hobby? He’s a prick-this is a paternity leave, not annual leave. He should be spending that time with you and his kids. Not pissing about playing golf with his mates

Giving him every benefit of the doubt.. you cant taxi with a 6 month old. Youd either have to go without her car seat (legal but id be hard no) or take her car seat, plus the baby bag, plus the swim bag..

Additionally it isnt like he always takes the car for golf so you couldnt know he meant to take it.. but he does know you do this class.

So either he takes you swimming/waits till after swimming or he calls in a favour and gets a lift or a bus so you can take your LO out

I think a day to go play golf isn’t that bad if he’s stepping up the rest of the time. Maybe skip swimming class this one week and go instead as a family at somepoint during the week. Then have him look after the baby for a few hours whilst you go and do something for yourself (even if it’s just he takes the baby out for a few hours whilst you stay home alone or go clothes shopping or something)

Blokes going to play golf on a weekday is DEFINITELY why legislation was introduced to give them parental leave. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Yep, that's what it's for, all right.

No you're not being harsh. He's on paternity leave, not holiday.

Ok but you can’t look at in isolation but in the context of everything else he does

So his mates have taken the day off to play golf with him? And he didn't think to check with you. Its a bit thoughtless. Can he arrange it so he plays early or later, so you can have the car for swimming? Or at least drop you or pick you up afterwards?
I think a conversation about paternity leave is in order. He can take baby to swimming next week. And you may decide you need the car for something else.....
He's been thoughtless and probably needs a not so gentle reminder that paternity leave is for parenting, not to make your life harder.

I think the husband is getting a tough time on this thread! Paternity leave doesn’t mean he has to be glued to the baby.
he asked to play golf, he was told it was okay…then all of a sudden it’s not okay. In a one car household surely things like who uses the car is discussed at these points rather than just assumed

I don't think he's getting a hard time at all. He's been off for 14 days and spent 4 of them golfing. No one is saying he's supposed to be glued to the baby but even if he's doing bits like cooking and laundry you can surely see that's excessive.

Surely the whole point of paternity leave is to bond with his child and to make your life easier. In this instance, he’s actively making your life harder. As a one-off, if it didn’t inconvenience you then maybe. But it’s not and it does so NO.

No, sorry I don’t agree. He asked to play, and was told yes? Assuming he’s asked to play the other times as well and been told yes?

This is my view as a mum of two currently on maternity leave myself

If you'd be quite content with your other half going to play golf every 3-4 days when he was on paternity leave then that's your choice but I don't think it's unreasonable to think it's excessive.

Just because he asked and the OP at the time agreed doesn't mean she can't change her mind with the new information of her being left without a car.

It's only ten mins in a taxi whereas his golf is quite a longer drive. Just do the taxi and make sure you soon get a chance to do something for yourself and decompress while he has the kids. Baby swimming sounds delightful; don't miss it, and this issue isn't worth causing bad feeling over, imo. Especially as it means he's much more likely to spell you when you want a break.

Daddy should use daddy's parental leave to do parenting.

Tell him from me he's a twat.

Four times in two weeks though.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong especially with your update.

You said yes. Miss a week or get a taxi.

WTAF? Why are you putting up with this shit? Put your foot down and say No.

From the ACAS website:

"Paternity leave allows an employee to spend time with a new child and support their partner."

It is not for playing fucking golf or any other hobbies. He should be coming swimming with you and the kids, not swanning off and letting you struggle on your own.

https://www.acas.org.uk/paternity-rights-leave-and-pay#:~:text=If%20an%20employee%20is%20eligible,more%20than%20statutory%20paternity%20leave.

I strongly suspect his employer would not be impressed with the way he is abusing his time off.