AIBU to say I shouldn’t have to taxi to baby swimming so DH can play golf during paternity leave?

[Frozenbroccoli]

DH is currently on paternity leave. He gets 3 months and has decided to take them split into one month blocks.

Last week he asked if I was okay for him to play golf on Monday (tomorrow). I said fine, although mildly irked as this is the 4th time and we're only 2 weeks into this block of paternity leave, or golf leave as he seems to think it is. That was that.

I was then talking to my mum about DD’s swimming lesson, which is also on Mondays, and DH asked how I was getting there. I said in the car, a bit confused. He then told me he’s taking the car for golf.

I said he wasn’t, because he hadn’t asked if he could have the car. He often gets collected for golf as he knows I need it, so going to golf doesn’t usually mean taking the car. He said fine, he just won’t go but now he’s making me feel bad and said they only moved it from Friday because he didn’t want to leave me with both children (we also have a 3 year old). So he’s now suggesting I just get a taxi.

I really can’t be bothered with the faff of getting a taxi though. AIBU to say no?

For context, the golf course is about a 33 minute drive away and would take around 1 hour 10 minutes on public transport. None of his friends are passing to collect him, although he could get the train to the nearest station and get a lift from there. DD’s swimming lesson is about a 10 minute drive.

Of course I could skip swimming, DD is only 6 months so it’s more for fun than anything, but it’s one of the only classes we do while I’m on maternity leave and I’d rather not miss it.

TL;DR: DH wants to take the car to golf while on paternity leave, which would mean I’d need to get a taxi to take our 6 month old to her swimming lesson (10 min drive). AIBU to say I’d rather keep the car?

I think your set up is the actual issue. The baby is 6 months. He doesn't need to do all the cleaning when he's on paternity assuming you've recovered from the birth by now. As for your other child waking up at 5.30am maybe you could both work on tackling that. A better use of his time off would be going to a baby group with the baby at least once a week, tidying or batch cooking for when he is at work and you are home and giving you time to spend with the eldest. Has he ever parented the two kids without you present because now would be the perfect time to do so? As for golf that is what annual leave is for and I don't understand why some men think they shouldn't have to adjust their hobbies when children come in.

I think it’s ridiculous that a woman with a baby and 3 year old should walk a 10 min car journey simply because her husband is playing golf during his paternity leave. That’s a bit different from being in Afghanistan!!!

He can taxi it

but for what it’s worth my husband dropped all his sports for about a year after our baby was born as he knew he was needed at home

Is he on paternity leave for someone else child? Yes of course you get the car, whoever has the kids has the car. No I would not even consider faffing about with car seats, wet hair and bags in a taxi.

Yeah sorry now I’m team DH.

He is pulling his weight. He does not need to be chained to the house. If his mates have picked the day then i don’t see the harm in getting a 10min uber.

If he's not working, he should be going to swimming with you, not swanning off to golf. If he gets in the water, even better!!

How sad that he is wasting the opportunity to spend time with his child.

If he had his priorities right the car wouldn't be an issue

For god's sake of course you should have the car. Tell him it's either that or he takes the baby swimming and you go out to your hobby for the day. Can't believe you can't see how ridiculous he is being.

How is he chained to the house? Op has already said he can get to golf on public transport.

I am really surprised by the comments on this thread. I don't actually think the bloke has done that much wrong. OP admits he'd be happy for her to spend equivalent time doing a hobby while he cared for the child, and would facilitate and encourage that. It's not his fault she has no hobbies!

From what I can tell this lucky family now have two adults available to care for the baby full time. So there is no way it should involve all this sniping and stress - it could be very easy for both of them to be able to have some times for themselves.

I think making him miss the golf with his friends who have taken time off work is quite mean actually.

Personally I wouldn’t be bothered either . I don’t see the point at all in a baby that age and I love swimming but I woudn’t want to expose my baby to all the bugs in a pool especially during flu season. But the op clearly enjoys it I guess so why should golf take priority.

Yeah he’s quite happy for her to have equal time off from baby duties to follow her hobbies…..knowing full well she has no hobbies!

Let him sulk and not go to golf! Don’t feel bad.

surely things like a car when in a shared household should benefit the children first. I can not imagine struggling to get public transport or a taxi with two children so my husband could play golf. It would be a complete no from me.

also, how fortunate he is to have such a wonderful paternity leave package. My husband took three weeks off with our second. Self employed so we had to save so hard for that. Your husband needs to grow up tbh. Four times in two weeks!

As an aside OP , obviously he’s been completely unreasonable but you need some hobbies and time away from the baby too, it doesn’t mean you don’t love her but don’t lose sight of yourself .

This is a very good point! The paternity should benefit you as well OP.

I agree with @Ilovelurchers and think this is all a bit mad, it’s a game of golf for goodness sake, and he sounds like he’s pulling his weight. Nor do I think walking is an outrageous suggestion.

i think the real solution is that the @Frozenbroccoli needs another car, or clashes will keep arising

We also share a car. Car is always, without argument, prioritized for anything involving the children
this means that sometimes the other parent takes a taxi.
yanbu!

Baby trumps hobbies. This shouldn't even be a conversation! In fact even without swimming, he should be courteous and leave you with the car in case you need it.

I think whilst he’s being completely out of order I think you also need to push back on him.

Don’t be a martyr- this sets a precedent as how you will both split parenting in the future.

Has he taken them swimming before? He should. Even if you don’t have a hobby such as golf wouldn’t you like a peaceful day catching up on other things? Meeting friends for a coffee? Going to an exercise class. Now is the time for that whilst he’s around. You need equal time off that he gets. And we all know how long golf takes.

Because its very hard to put boundaries in place when you have been raised up without respect.

I still don't see why she should miss something she enjoys. Get him to do something else by taxi, do swimming on another day but no she shouldn't have to miss something she enjoys.

In my relationship, I'd either drop him off or get the cab. I don't think getting a taxi as a one off is that much faff.

But, we both aim to make the other's life better, rather than point scoring and keeping count, or trying to take advantage. During a paternity leave arrangement like this we'd both be getting extra leisure time, as well as lots of time together as a family.

Do you get 4 days off in a 2 week period on maternity leave?

Omg what is with the string of posts in the last 24 hours of women with just rock bottom expectations of a partner they have chosen to have children with!!! It’s beyond infuriating.

Parental leave is not about hobbies though.
OP has a 6 month old baby and a 3 year old. Realistically there isn’t enough time for them both to take 8 days between them in a 2 week period to dedicate days to hobbies.
I imagine OP wants what most women with a small baby would want, to split the housework, to make her life easier not harder, to bond as a family, to get on top of rest.