Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

I would think the loser you are with is a huge part of your problem.
Is he her father?
If he is, sort out your contraception.

Absolutely dreadful that she gets to decide this.
She should have been made attend, not participate, but definitely to turn up as she committed to.

Thanks! I agree with your point the DD may be deciding it’s just not for her.
OP said her DD did the show last year so not very likely it is nerves.
Plus the comment of not going back to gymnastics tells me she may be bored, no longer likes it and should be encouraged to try something new that she chooses.

I own a small gymnastics club and it us certainly not unusual to jave children with "stage fright* before a competition or show. We just nudge them along in the process. Get them in costume, sit with their group and then for a show make a deal-just try the first skill, see how it feels and tgen if you don't like it you can come and dit down next go me. Once they have gotvstarted they are away!

The very worst thing you can do is reinforce a child's belief that they cant do something you know they can!

If the reason isn't nerves then all the more reason to make her see through her commitments! You can't pull out of a show on the day!

And the other children who are being let down are also 7.
I make clear to my children that it's up to you whether you want to perform or not. But if you make that commitment to the other kids, to your teacher, and I spend a load of money - you need to do it.

Your daughter isn’t the issue here. The more you say about your husband, the more it becomes clear he’s an utter arse. Why won’t he look after his own child ? What was
going to happen if she did perform?

The OP said she performed last year

You've told us who you are, you don't need to keep proving it.

Just to be clear:
We have here a dad who created a family group but avoids the commitment and responsibilities of parenting. A dad who sees nothing wrong with pleasing himself, safe in the knowledge that he can avoid the family stuff when he doesn't fancy it.

The same dad who's fine with his child committing to the time, effort and cost of a team performance, then when she is having a wobble immediately before the performance, he says it's fine that she avoids the thing she doesn't want to do. Not doing any actual parenting here of talking things through. Just "oh well don't go if you don't want to". Never mind that others are relying on you, never mind that nerves are natural. That confidence is built by doing things that are outside of our comfort zone. All this and undermining the mother who suggests going along anyway to spectate if not perform.

As an aside, it's a very modern idea to avoid things that cause mild, temporary anxiety, and it's not doing us any good. There are lots of things in life that are temporarily stressful but we have to do it, and it helps us build resilience. It's normal for children to be shy or nervous and for parents to help them overcome this. Not to teach them to avoid anything that's uncomfortable.

He's modeling something fundamental to your children. If you don't like it, only you can change this.

Not necessarily. DD plays in orchestras which is a very strict obligation and you absolutely cannot pull out of it, not just last minute but months on advance. She enjoys playing and has lots of fun out of orchestral work.

I think the idea of responsibility killing all fun is not just wrong but also quite dangerous. It makes people avoid responsibilities in life at all costs.

Yeah i enforce this kind of thing through bribery or threats tbh. A lot of it has to do with fear, fear of losing, fear of not performing. DD has tried to back out of stuff she’s signed up for and we have zero tolerance towards non participation. The upshot is the next time she does that thing she’s less anxious because she knows she’s felt anxious about something but still got it done. DD tried to back out of a swim competition and I pointed out that she was invited to participate and another child may have really wanted her spot and it’s unfair to bail because it’s a privilege to be invited to be a member of a team.

Letting kids off from doing this stuff harms resilience imo. DD’s definitely a have a go sort of person and it’s not how she was when she was smaller, she was hesitant and fearful but knowing you can just do stuff and even if it doesn’t turn out how you hoped you can still get through it. Kids need to learn to be uncomfortable. We all could do with learning that we can sit with discomfort, including me tbh.

I have an anxiety disorder and the one thing my therapist did that changed my life was to stop avoiding discomfort. I had to do social engagements and report back, it became easier and easier (never easy). If you think your kid is displaying anxiousness then the best thing to do is make sure they do whatever they commited to. The more avoidance you allow the more avoidant they become and yes it starts young. Best to nip it in the bud quickly, they will be healthier happier adults for it.

Might string some teddy bears up later, too.

🥴 no 7yr old is let down because a classmate is a no show for an individual performance. It’s not like the DD is a child actor contracted to complete a Hollywood blockbuster.

You are not making any allowances for a parent pleasing child who says yes and then silently stresses that they wish they had said no until they blurt it out at the last moment hoping they aren’t a huge disappointment and you’ll understand. But instead, your plan to is guilt trip the child and tell them it’s cost you a load of money. You sort of remind me of a set of parents in the Addams Family film about summer camp.

What a load of rubbish 🙄

Her dad seems to be calling the shots and underming your decisions and that is why you are doubting yourself, also decent men and fathers look after their toddlers, without question.

Yes, I can read that perhaps you need to address your pathological avoidance of discomfort associated with not participating in everything. Is it fear of what others will think of you as a mother if you let your child bow out now and then instead of pushing them?

but he also won't look after the toddler on his own

Wtf is wrong with him? He made a kid but won't look after them?

You've got bigger problems than giving in to your daughter. Both your kids are learning that this is how men treat women.

Nah it’s because when DD says “yeah I’ll do it!” (i always ask her first) I expect her to follow through. I frame it as thats what women do, to be an actual grown up woman when you give your word you keep your word, when you make a commitment you should adhere to it, your word should mean something. I don’t want her crying in a cupboard in 30 years because she has to do a presentation or become known for being flakey and unreliable.

If you choose to avoid stuff and encourage your own children to avoid taking responsibility for themselves or ownership for their actions then the consequences for them as adults is obvious really.

Nope. Once tickets and costumes bought and she’s been practising the dance which her not being there will effect other children in the group then I would be forcing her to do it. If she didn’t want to do it then she needed to say weeks ago. Lesson learnt

Bit suspicious that your H has said or implied something disapproving or scornful about this activity and put her off. It is strange not to consider the wider group and that they might have needed her there

Parenting is hard, especially when you’re doing it on your own with a completely checked out adult in the house.
Fuck this complete loser right off.

I think it's shitty of you to punish her because of your disappointment.

I think trying to get her to go and watch and see how she feels when she gets there is a good idea.

Enjoying gymnastics and enjoying performing gymnastics in front of an audience are two very different things and I think it should be possible to do the first without being expected to do the second.

She is only little so I don't think she is unreasonable to have gone along with this and then not been ok with it. That said, she may be fine once you get her there.

My son used to enjoy drama and some weeks didn't want to go due to anxiety. Some weeks we got him there and some we didn't. Somehow he managed to do and enjoy the performances but everytime I used to expect him to pull out last minute!

You can encourage but you shouldn't force.

Another vote for this. For those who say "you have paid for xyz" I suggest you google "sunk cost fallacy" And in the trenches or not, keep your own feelings out of it.

Err... why do you think it is an individual performance?
Children who do gymnastics solo at 7 are usually serious about the sport and wouldn't pull out last minute. They also have very committed parents.

It's quite obviously a group performance and other members of the team will be affected for sure.

Gymnastics isn’t a team sport.
A group putting on the performance where each individual does an individual routine is not a group performance.
A group performance would apply to a choreographed dance recital.