Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

This.

All these people disregarding the child's needs pushing them to do things they don't want to, ignoring their wishes creating anxiety is a large contributing factor to why I have so many teens in my therapy practice, and one of the reasons they often state they dont feel safe because they are not listend to. I'm surprised how many people are prepared to force a child to do something they are uncomfortable with

There is absolutely no way I would allow that behaviour. It is a privilege to attend classes like this & the shows are teamwork with a contribution from everyone.

My answer would be to say no show,no gymnastics class.Now make up your mind.

Rhythmic and acro are team sports and they usually have group routines in artistic and other types of gymnastics too, especially at younger ages, when they still develop general athletic skills.

I thought the child had already said she was ok with no gymnastics.

It's so tricky! My parents always said if you want to quit something, that's fine, but you do it from a position of strength ie she does the show and quits after. You don't sneak away from things because they are out of your comfort zone. I don't know if this is the best advice but it stood us all in good stead.
My dd is 2 so I haven't had to deal with this as a parent. I can imagine it's really hard. You want to build resilience in her but don't want to pressure her either.
I think bringing her there to watch and then letting the teacher take over in terms of expectations is what I'd do.
She'll be so proud of herself afterwards if she goes through with it. Getting used to being out of your comfort zone is so important, life is full of these challenges.

Sorry the father womt look after his toddler on his own? Wtf. Now you know where she gets opting out from the hard bits of life

You all need to go to the competition. If she doesn't perform, that's her chioce. But not going isn't.

I don't understand the people saying you should listen to her choices. She has made a choice. She has made a commitment. That commitment, that choice, needs to be followed through.

Edited to say you should go to the show by yourself if they don't want to go. Leave the three of them and have a day out.

It certainly didn't do my children any harm by encouraging them to participate in activities they were uncomfortable with. Actually it was the opposite. They gained confidence & consideration for others as part of a team.Admittedly if they were kicking & screaming that would have been a different story which is possibly the situation in the cases you describe.

The OPs DD gave exactly the type of reason I would have addressed with encouragement. Two completely different scenarios.

Sure, but that's different - presumably your DD enjoys the performance aspect, too.

I'm not saying that any leisure activity that has an obligatory element is no longer fun. I'm saying that any leisure activity that has an obligatory element which you hate is no longer fun, and it's ok to dip out of it.

Kids need to learn what they genuinely like and don't like. Being told "Go on, just do it, you're telling me it makes you uncomfortable but I know actually you'll love it!" only makes them second-guess their own feelings. That's not resilience.

So you're teaching your daughter that if she says no to not wanting to use her body to perform, to not wanting to be on a stage, to not wanting to do something she is uncomfortable with...she will be punished!?

Wtf...every day Mumsnet really does just get better. Make it make sense.

if she didn't want to obey orders, she shouldn't have joined the Army.

But she didn't.

It is a group gymnastics performance

Some moves might involve a partner. So yes sone children will be let down because Runnermumof2 is letting her child behave like her useless partner

What exactly is the point of the dh. He is trying to play the role of family man but can’t parent his own children.

I had a similar thing but it was a drama exam grading for school ie if he didn't get on stage he was probably going to fail the paper. He could have redone it at a later date but it would have just postponed the doing of it and he would have had longer to worry. I told him to pull himself together, get the cloak on and get on stage. He did and turned in a brilliant performance. He was glad afterwards that I had pushed him.

She is always nervous on the day of shows which is absolutely normal. We attended masterclasses with famous soloists in their 60s who said they are still nervous before every single concert. People are nervous before giving a presentation, too. Adrenaline is part of our life in general.

Can't argue with "which you hate" part but again, we can't always escape that in life. Even in leisure activity, I studied art for example and I hated the boring stuff eg drawing shades properly in classical studies. It's obligatory though, you won't progress without doing that. Yes, it's not nerves but boredom can be worse imo.
Or take gym for example, it's a leisure activity but it can be very hard physically. Would you quit as pushing heavier weights or doing a faster speed is "no longer fun"? Or would you continue pushing yourself out of your comfort zone for further gains?

OP, your “partner” won’t look after his own child?
If that’s the case, you’ve got bigger problems than pulling out of a dance show.

Indeed. And he happily leaves the OP to care for both their children while he fucks off to the gym.

OP, let the gym performance go and focus on the fact that you've saddled yourself with a man who sees his parenting role as merely sperm donor.

The issue here is not the daughter, or her nerves, or OP’s dilemma about what to do today. It’s the father’s lack of understanding what a responsibility or commitment is (aka his family), and seemingly he is happy to pass those values onto his own child.

I really hate the misuse of the language of safety and trauma and consent in situations like this.

It's hyperbolic and wrong.

A 7yo from a nice loving family who has worked for months with a teacher she trusts and friends she knows is not unsafe or having her consent overridden because she is pushed to do a perfomance that she has got cold feet about.

My sister adopted a sibset of children whose mother was a sex worker who used drugs when pregnant, left them alone with her "clients", had a house with no furniture as it had all been sold, and left them to feed themselves out of cupboards.

That's being unsafe. That's trauma. Using a framework originally designed to help genuinely abused children and transplanting it onto loved children from stable caring families is such BS.

You have a Husband problem.

The amount of men on these Threads who refuse to parent their children, is mind blowing .

Personally, I'd quit, because those "gains" are not something I value. But other people do, so they'd persevere.

It's about working out what matters to you. Kids need to go through the process of doing this, which inevitably involves some trial and error. Maybe the OP's daughter will meet up with some of her friends who were in the show, and hear about how great it was, and resolve to take part next time. She's more likely to do so if her motivation is "sounds like I would have enjoyed that," rather than "I'll be punished and made to feel guilty if I don't."

I would have made her go, because things don't seem as bad once you are there. The coaches are also very used to nerves and how to deal with them. She is only 7 and this isn't a compulsory thing to do, so it is the perfect time to be nervous and learn to overcome the mild stress/anxiety. Saying fine don't go really isn't doing her a favour for times when it will matter more because you are effectively teaching her that walking away when we are nervous is acceptable. I get that you still remember your ice skating lesson, but you remember it because you feel you let your mother down, waisted her money, not because your mum made you attend.

I don't think your DH's behaviour is irrelevant. I think your DH's behaviour has a lot to do with the situation. It seems your DD was nervous and your DH not keen on going. I'm really wondering whether "I don't like showing off" came from a remark he made, as it's very odd coming from your 7yo DD. Him not wanting her to go at all because he doesn't want to look after the toddler, having gone to the gym already, is very telling. He didn't want to go/look after the toddler and basically not going to the gala made his life easier so he pushed for it.

Your DH not backing you up is unacceptable. If he's not around to parent or incapable then he doesn't have a say.
He sounds quite useless tbh.

The fact that her daughter was excited about it the night before shows that it is just a case of nerves. If we're taught to runaway from everything that is uncomfortable in the moment, we'd never get anywhere.
I'm a teacher. My children often perform. I always tell them that excitement and anxiety are the same feeling but with a different outlook. If a child of mine couldn't face getting up on stage, I wouldn't dream of forcing them to but I would expect them to watch the performance without them in it. I think it's important for them to see what they're missing at the very least.