Page 8 | Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

Runnermumof2 · 2026-03-08T08:23:38+00:00

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment. My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal. I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either. I'm really disappointed. Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities. I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway) And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues) Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

ConstanzeMozart · 08/03/2026 11:06

Dalston · 08/03/2026 10:34

She “doesn’t like showing off” where has that phrase come from? Has someone told her she’s a show off? Thats a strange thing for a 7 year old to say. I think you need to get to the root of this. It’s natural to be nervous before doing something where you will be watched. Perhaps she needed reassurance. I would have said it’s not showing off at all, it’s a demonstration of what she’s been learning, it’s not all about her, she is part of a team. I definitely wouldn’t have let her cry off.

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I agree, 'showing off' jumped out at me in this way too.

TheignT · 08/03/2026 11:06

Theonebutnotonly · 08/03/2026 09:34

A gymnastics show does not consist of just two people!

Your son's feelings were valid but he should have made them clear a lot earlier, and not agreed to perform the duet, practised with his duet partner and then tried to let her down at the last minute.

I find it very hard to believe that a children's performance had understudies who had practised with the duet performers and could step in at the last minute without disadvantaging the remaining duet player.

No they didn't have understudies but understudies are a thing for a reason.

His teacher had the sense to realise that sometimes things change at the last minute so both children could have performed the piece alone which I've already said.

He never wanted to do it but teacher persuaded him to do it so he learned the piece and did it but it meant she lost a pupil. We should listen to children.

FloofBunny · 08/03/2026 11:09

TheignT · 08/03/2026 10:54

No he's a lovely man. Very successful and a great father. How about you, what sort of adult are you?

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I'm HORRIBLE!

Little Lord Fauntleroy can do no wrong, I'm guessing, from the full-scale attack you've launched? 🤣

TheSmallAssassin · 08/03/2026 11:10

He won't look after the toddler on his own? That needs addressing, @Runnermumof2, that's not acceptable.

marcyhermit · 08/03/2026 11:12

Does crap dad have anything to do with her wanting to pull out?
Has he been whispering in her ear about being a show off to put her off because he can't be arsed to go?

Melarus · 08/03/2026 11:12

OP: She has said she would be fine not going back at all.

Like I said earlier in the thread: once you change an activity to an obligation, it stops being fun. And why carry on doing something when it's not fun any more?

I also think the young lad who gave up his musical instrument when it became a chore was very sensible, and whoever said he had a "personality flaw" should get off her high horse. What a thing to say about a little kid, honestly.

Tarkadaaaahling · 08/03/2026 11:13

FloofBunny · 08/03/2026 08:31

Then why has she been going along with it for so long???

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This. Its fine if they aren't ones for enjoying an audience, my daughter is always clear she doesn't want to participate in dance shows as she isn't fond of all the people watching her - fine, she always says before any commitment is made or any money spent.

But I wouldn't be letting her back out if the day of a show, it's not fair to the other kids as routines and placements will be off if she isn't there. She needs to suck this one up and get through it today.

marcyhermit · 08/03/2026 11:13

Melarus · 08/03/2026 11:12

OP: She has said she would be fine not going back at all.

Like I said earlier in the thread: once you change an activity to an obligation, it stops being fun. And why carry on doing something when it's not fun any more?

I also think the young lad who gave up his musical instrument when it became a chore was very sensible, and whoever said he had a "personality flaw" should get off her high horse. What a thing to say about a little kid, honestly.

Agreeing to be in a performance is an obligation - you committed to your team mates, teacher etc.

TheignT · 08/03/2026 11:14

FloofBunny · 08/03/2026 11:09

I'm HORRIBLE!

Little Lord Fauntleroy can do no wrong, I'm guessing, from the full-scale attack you've launched? 🤣

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Well you said it so now we know.

Little Lord Fauntleroy? He's a mature adult, if course maturity doesn't necessarily go with age but in his case both meanings apply.

SpiritAdder · 08/03/2026 11:15

I think you’re giving mixed messages, how can you and her dad be in total agreement it is perfectly ok to not put yourself on display for entertainment but also, you’re handing down a screen ban as punishment?

My personal view is that it is important to foster a sport or hobby without the pressure to publicly perform it. Many people would simply stop doing a sport or hobby if they had to do a public performance. Going for a cycle, or a run can be healthy and fun when you’re doing it for you and the enjoyment of it, but then it can become a nightmare if you tell a child they can only run or only swim or only dance or only do gymnastics if they are willing to enter competitions or put on public performances.

If you want your daughter to develop a lifetime love of a sport, then you let her do it on her own terms. If she doesn’t want to perform in front of an audience, don’t make her and don’t punish her if it’s not for her.

ConstanzeMozart · 08/03/2026 11:16

Runnermumof2 · 08/03/2026 10:47

Thanks everyone. The responses have been really mixed, thanks for everyone's insights. It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do. I remember being 4 or 5 and I decided one day that I didn't want to go to my ice skating lesson (my mum paid for private tuition and we didn't have a lot of money, but I didn't understand that) I really wanted a sparkly dress like the other girls but my mum couldn't afford it , so I went in a huff and refused to skate. She said that because I (literally) stood on the ice and refused to move that id embarrassed her and she wouldn't pay for any more lessons. I do regret it and I do still remember it now (I'm 37) so I think there's roots of my own parents parenting and being careful not to push her so that she downright refuses and regrets it.
Once my partner came back from the gym he noticed the quiet of the house (he had expected us to be in full getting ready mode, hair plaiting etc) He accepted her decision not to perform (as had I) and I asked her to then come along to support her friends instead , as posters suggested. He said no 🙃 If she doesn't want to perform, there's no point in going to watch either. I didn't agree, but he also won't look after the toddler on his own so I would need an extra pair of hands if we went to watch. (That's another issue but not relating to this thread)
She has said she would be fine not going back at all. Which also made me feel sad, but of course it is for her not for me. I just hope she's not missing it. I really don't know where the line is between providing opportunity and pushing.
Parenting is hard !

Thanks everyone for their input.

He won't come along to support you/his DD and he won't look after his toddler on his own?
Doesn't he sound like a catch?
Are you sure he doesn't have something to do with your DD suddenly being worried about 'showing off'?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/03/2026 11:16

Chatsbots · 08/03/2026 10:58

It might well not be the point of the thread but if your partner won't watch his DC or can't look after the toddler, you have bigger issues.

Plus the lack of consistent parenting & refusal of reasonable requests.

My friend is just divorcing her DH after 30 odd years & is complaining her DH got her to do all the difficult parenting decisions & how unfair it was, etc.

This.

He fucks off to the gym, Undermines your parenting and is so useless he cant mind an 18m old for 2 hours?

This man doesnt sound like a net contributor....

He's a disgrace of a man theres ZERO chance I'd put up with this kind of bollocks and I certainly wouldnt be having sex with him.
I wouldn't be shocked if this bizarre "showing off" nonsense is somehow coming from him either directly or indirectly (ie his general views women should know their place and only occupy space around men)

ThisSunnyBee · 08/03/2026 11:17

GloiredeDijon · 08/03/2026 08:27

I am sorry to be blunt but you are behaving very badly.
If you want to put on a leotard and prance about in front of an audience then crack on but punishing your poor daughter because she doesn’t want to do so is just awful.
Thank god for her dad.
Does he know you intend to punish her?
I would be furious with you if I were him.

Ridiculous comment. Yawn.

usedtobeaylis · 08/03/2026 11:17

Melarus · 08/03/2026 11:12

OP: She has said she would be fine not going back at all.

Like I said earlier in the thread: once you change an activity to an obligation, it stops being fun. And why carry on doing something when it's not fun any more?

I also think the young lad who gave up his musical instrument when it became a chore was very sensible, and whoever said he had a "personality flaw" should get off her high horse. What a thing to say about a little kid, honestly.

We don't have much space for kids to just do something for fun. It's all about being the best and progressing through the levels and paying high fees and then you age out often at around the age you really want kid to stay in, especially physical activities.

Jlom · 08/03/2026 11:17

WimbyAce · 08/03/2026 11:02

Of course she would know what she is signed up to. There is a talent show at my daughter's school, she is 5. I asked her if she wants to do it, she said no, all good, I haven't signed her up. A 7 year old would definitely be aware about what she is signed up to.

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She wouldn't necessarily know in advance how nervous she would feel or how good/bad at gymnastics she would be.

At 5, my son would say no to anything unfamiliar as a default response, my daughter would say yes as a default response.

usedtobeaylis · 08/03/2026 11:18

marcyhermit · 08/03/2026 11:13

Agreeing to be in a performance is an obligation - you committed to your team mates, teacher etc.

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But also she's seven.

FairKoala · 08/03/2026 11:18

Think about your dh’s words and reaction

her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it

Then think about how he opts out of childcare or helping you because he doesn’t want to.

I would tell her you are taking no notice of daddy. If he really thought allowing her to bunk off from the show was a good idea then he would have stood by his words and taken her to the hall to explain in person that she wasn’t doing the show because she didn’t want to show off.
If he is not prepared to follow through with actions then she is going

Or I would add up the cost of everything you have spent on this show including your tickets the costume and the lessons preparing for this show and she will be paying you back by halving her pocket money until the money is returned.

If someone decides they are going to pay you back on her behalf you will still not be returning her pocket money to full rate until she has actually paid you back.
If someone buys her something that she would have used her pocket money for then that cost will be added to what she owes

This will drive home that her wanting or not wanting to do something has specific consequences

I would also keep the embargo on screen time though as isn’t that just watching people show off and if she thinks showing off isn’t a good thing then she wouldn’t want to watch someone doing it.

How would your life look without dh.
You would have at least a couple of days off each week to do your own thing whilst he cares for dc on his own.
It doesn’t sound like finances would be an issue
Atm you are taking the brunt of the work whilst your dh is at the gym because if he doesn’t want to do something.

So he doesn’t.

Tiswa · 08/03/2026 11:19

Chatsbots · 08/03/2026 10:58

It might well not be the point of the thread but if your partner won't watch his DC or can't look after the toddler, you have bigger issues.

Plus the lack of consistent parenting & refusal of reasonable requests.

My friend is just divorcing her DH after 30 odd years & is complaining her DH got her to do all the difficult parenting decisions & how unfair it was, etc.

This you have a partner issue big time one who didn’t agree with her choice but did so becuase it was far easier on him

she was nervous and scared and I think at least watching it would have helped but he couldn’t do that

usedtobeaylis · 08/03/2026 11:20

SpiritAdder · 08/03/2026 11:15

I think you’re giving mixed messages, how can you and her dad be in total agreement it is perfectly ok to not put yourself on display for entertainment but also, you’re handing down a screen ban as punishment?

My personal view is that it is important to foster a sport or hobby without the pressure to publicly perform it. Many people would simply stop doing a sport or hobby if they had to do a public performance. Going for a cycle, or a run can be healthy and fun when you’re doing it for you and the enjoyment of it, but then it can become a nightmare if you tell a child they can only run or only swim or only dance or only do gymnastics if they are willing to enter competitions or put on public performances.

If you want your daughter to develop a lifetime love of a sport, then you let her do it on her own terms. If she doesn’t want to perform in front of an audience, don’t make her and don’t punish her if it’s not for her.

👏

Performing at 5 or 6 can feel very different to performing at 7 or 8. Maybe the daughter is just realising now that it's not for her. Maybe it is just nerves and eventually she'll overcome them. How can she ever develop her own sense of herself if she's just constantly doing what adults say she must.

Ubertomusic · 08/03/2026 11:20

TheignT · 08/03/2026 11:06

No they didn't have understudies but understudies are a thing for a reason.

His teacher had the sense to realise that sometimes things change at the last minute so both children could have performed the piece alone which I've already said.

He never wanted to do it but teacher persuaded him to do it so he learned the piece and did it but it meant she lost a pupil. We should listen to children.

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He never wanted to do it

OP's DD wanted to do a performance, no one was "persuading" her.

TheignT · 08/03/2026 11:21

Ubertomusic · 08/03/2026 11:20

He never wanted to do it

OP's DD wanted to do a performance, no one was "persuading" her.

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I was replying to comments about my son.

EwwPeople · 08/03/2026 11:22

Runnermumof2 · 08/03/2026 10:47

Thanks everyone. The responses have been really mixed, thanks for everyone's insights. It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do. I remember being 4 or 5 and I decided one day that I didn't want to go to my ice skating lesson (my mum paid for private tuition and we didn't have a lot of money, but I didn't understand that) I really wanted a sparkly dress like the other girls but my mum couldn't afford it , so I went in a huff and refused to skate. She said that because I (literally) stood on the ice and refused to move that id embarrassed her and she wouldn't pay for any more lessons. I do regret it and I do still remember it now (I'm 37) so I think there's roots of my own parents parenting and being careful not to push her so that she downright refuses and regrets it.
Once my partner came back from the gym he noticed the quiet of the house (he had expected us to be in full getting ready mode, hair plaiting etc) He accepted her decision not to perform (as had I) and I asked her to then come along to support her friends instead , as posters suggested. He said no 🙃 If she doesn't want to perform, there's no point in going to watch either. I didn't agree, but he also won't look after the toddler on his own so I would need an extra pair of hands if we went to watch. (That's another issue but not relating to this thread)
She has said she would be fine not going back at all. Which also made me feel sad, but of course it is for her not for me. I just hope she's not missing it. I really don't know where the line is between providing opportunity and pushing.
Parenting is hard !

Thanks everyone for their input.

If she had said no from the beginning, then that would’ve been fine. I have one of those kids. As soon as she gets noticed , she backs off. So she was allowed to say no or quit things, but once she made a commitment and other people are relying on her, she had to do it .However, I would’ve made her do it in this occasion as she made a commitment, everyone practiced with her being part of the routine etc. That I understand she’s nervous and that’s ok and she doesn’t have to perform next time and we can go for a treat after, for being brave and giving it a go. Stick and carrot.

usedtobeaylis · 08/03/2026 11:22

Jlom · 08/03/2026 11:17

She wouldn't necessarily know in advance how nervous she would feel or how good/bad at gymnastics she would be.

At 5, my son would say no to anything unfamiliar as a default response, my daughter would say yes as a default response.

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Yep. At 8 my daughter wanted to try tennis camp. At 9 she wouldn't go because none of her friends were going. But she would take on solo challenges in a different sport she felt comfortable in.

I don't know why there's so much resistance to just supporting children as an adult default response.

BlueMum16 · 08/03/2026 11:23

Runnermumof2 · 08/03/2026 10:47

Thanks everyone. The responses have been really mixed, thanks for everyone's insights. It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do. I remember being 4 or 5 and I decided one day that I didn't want to go to my ice skating lesson (my mum paid for private tuition and we didn't have a lot of money, but I didn't understand that) I really wanted a sparkly dress like the other girls but my mum couldn't afford it , so I went in a huff and refused to skate. She said that because I (literally) stood on the ice and refused to move that id embarrassed her and she wouldn't pay for any more lessons. I do regret it and I do still remember it now (I'm 37) so I think there's roots of my own parents parenting and being careful not to push her so that she downright refuses and regrets it.
Once my partner came back from the gym he noticed the quiet of the house (he had expected us to be in full getting ready mode, hair plaiting etc) He accepted her decision not to perform (as had I) and I asked her to then come along to support her friends instead , as posters suggested. He said no 🙃 If she doesn't want to perform, there's no point in going to watch either. I didn't agree, but he also won't look after the toddler on his own so I would need an extra pair of hands if we went to watch. (That's another issue but not relating to this thread)
She has said she would be fine not going back at all. Which also made me feel sad, but of course it is for her not for me. I just hope she's not missing it. I really don't know where the line is between providing opportunity and pushing.
Parenting is hard !

Thanks everyone for their input.

Your DP is a dick.

Take your DD to the performance. Toddler stays with DP wherever DP chooses to be. Non-negotiable.

Your DD is missing so much. Even not taking part.

What else would you be doing today?

Pricelessadvice · 08/03/2026 11:26

youalright · 08/03/2026 08:43

She needs pushing this is how to build confidence and grow. Allowing her to avoid things that make her uncomfortable is the start of a slippery slope.

Agree with this.

Nowadays people let kids believe that when they are a little nervous or have butterflies, that they have “anxiety”.

It’s good to do things outside your comfort zone and things that make you feel nervous and a jittery. Thats life. School life and working life come with lots of those moments. One day she will have to stand up and read in class, or do a PP presentation. Too many adults let kids opt out of these things.

I bet that if she did the dance, she’d be absolutely buzzing afterwards. I wouldn’t let her opt out. I’d explain that it’s really important to push yourself sometimes and she’s worked so hard with her dance friends and that everyone in the class is in the same boat. It’s also important that she learns she can’t let her team/dance mates down.