Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

I took it that the poster was just emphasising that no teaching is necessary, as teenagers already know it all anyway!

Yeah, thank God for dad who ducks out and disappears to the gym when there’s a problem, he sounds like a real prince.

I would say ‘Next year you don’t have to partake, but we have committed now so you need to go through with it. We have paid for entry, tickets and your costume, just do your best today and I won’t make you do it again.’ I guarantee she’ll enjoy it and do it next year.

Every year we go through this rigmarole with my DC before sports day. Every. Single. Year. They partake, win everything and it’s never spoken about until the next year, when they don’t want to do it again.

First, her costume was not a leotard.
Second, what's wrong with a leotard?

She needs to go! She is letting her pals down as the routine will have her spacing and to adapt on the day is not fair on the others!! She will love it once there, buts it’s your decision not hers!!

She “doesn’t like showing off” where has that phrase come from? Has someone told her she’s a show off? Thats a strange thing for a 7 year old to say. I think you need to get to the root of this. It’s natural to be nervous before doing something where you will be watched. Perhaps she needed reassurance. I would have said it’s not showing off at all, it’s a demonstration of what she’s been learning, it’s not all about her, she is part of a team. I definitely wouldn’t have let her cry off.

Aren't you a charmer :)

I have a DC like this. Similar age.

I think when they're smaller, it's all just a bit of a game, and showing off because they can see mummy and daddy in the audience. And then they get to an age where they start to become self-aware and have more adult like responses. I'm not a performer and my DC isn't either. DC always winges on when they have to do something on stage at school (an assembly or the Christmas production). I never give them the option though. Just tell them to do their best.

We all face things in life we really, really don't want to do. Wimping out at the last minute feels like a relief, but as adults we know that in the long term, it isn't the best. Some things we just have to crack on with.

Sorry but we have a phrase in our family which is ‘Agains never flake’. Absolutely she didn’t have to do it before you bought the costume etc, but at this point she’d be letting her friends down, same goes for birthday parties etc.

Every time I’ve firmly encouraged them see something like this through, they’ve been proud afterwards. I wouldn’t think of myself as a strict parent, but I do think there are some situations where we have to see things through

I would tell her tou understand that shes reluctant but she can't pull out so late so she needs to do it. Just once, then in future she can say from the start that she won't be performing.

Thanks everyone. The responses have been really mixed, thanks for everyone's insights. It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do. I remember being 4 or 5 and I decided one day that I didn't want to go to my ice skating lesson (my mum paid for private tuition and we didn't have a lot of money, but I didn't understand that) I really wanted a sparkly dress like the other girls but my mum couldn't afford it , so I went in a huff and refused to skate. She said that because I (literally) stood on the ice and refused to move that id embarrassed her and she wouldn't pay for any more lessons. I do regret it and I do still remember it now (I'm 37) so I think there's roots of my own parents parenting and being careful not to push her so that she downright refuses and regrets it.
Once my partner came back from the gym he noticed the quiet of the house (he had expected us to be in full getting ready mode, hair plaiting etc) He accepted her decision not to perform (as had I) and I asked her to then come along to support her friends instead , as posters suggested. He said no 🙃 If she doesn't want to perform, there's no point in going to watch either. I didn't agree, but he also won't look after the toddler on his own so I would need an extra pair of hands if we went to watch. (That's another issue but not relating to this thread)
She has said she would be fine not going back at all. Which also made me feel sad, but of course it is for her not for me. I just hope she's not missing it. I really don't know where the line is between providing opportunity and pushing.
Parenting is hard !

Thanks everyone for their input.

My DD had been doing gymnastics and performing arts for years and I can't remember a gymnastics class that wouldn't be doing a performance. Even little ones in recreational classes are expected to do jumps etc in front of an audience.

Nerves are 100% normal even for seasoned adult performers. It actually gives an edge to a performance if managed in a healthy way.

Anxiety is a different story but from what OP is saying her DD doesn't look like an anxious child.

It would be too late to pull out for me.
When mine sign up for shows they do so knowing they have committed to doing it. I pay a lot of money for costumes and tickets, and a child being missing lets down the other kids performing.

If she was excited about it up until today then you need to be encouraging her to do it OP. A commitment has been made and money has been spent so it is not really ok to suddenly not do it. I know that my daughters wouldn't want to do it but they would have been clear from the outset.
Also your partner sounds useless.

No he's a lovely man. Very successful and a great father. How about you, what sort of adult are you?

You have a big DH problem.

It might well not be the point of the thread but if your partner won't watch his DC or can't look after the toddler, you have bigger issues.

Plus the lack of consistent parenting & refusal of reasonable requests.

My friend is just divorcing her DH after 30 odd years & is complaining her DH got her to do all the difficult parenting decisions & how unfair it was, etc.

I have one child like this who gets very anxious and often pulls out of things, and one child who is game for anything. It is just their different personalities.

Not many adults would agree to enter a gymnastics show, so I don't really blame her. At 7 she wouldn't really know what you had signed her up for.

Its fine if they want to be watched but there is no option for some hobbies to not culminate in a show of some sort

Agree totally with this.

Looks more like not a very supportive partner, conflicting parenting and a child gravitating towards screens as a result, which has nothing to do with anxiety or performance nerves.

Of course she would know what she is signed up to. There is a talent show at my daughter's school, she is 5. I asked her if she wants to do it, she said no, all good, I haven't signed her up. A 7 year old would definitely be aware about what she is signed up to.

And they actively challenge everything parents say, obviously.

I don’t get what she means by “showing off”
Does she mean she thinks she is better than others

I would have her out the door and to the gymnastics hall. These things rely on everyone attending and being part of the display

She is not showing off she is showing you what she has learned and what you have been paying for, for the last year.

I wouldn’t have allowed her to pull out on the day. It’s unfair to the organisers, to the other people participating and it doesn’t teach her anything positive in my opinion.

Your DH refusing to take the toddler is a massive issue. Appreciate that’s not what the thread is about though.