Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

Strangers get a modicum of politeness from me all the time.
In tesco if i bump into u by mistake.
At the car park when you cant find your ticket.
At the airport when you are stresses in the passport q.
In a bar or coffee shop if u politely ask if a chair is taken and sit and dont bother me.

You do not get it if you come up to me in a coffee shop or bar or restaurant and infringe on my space and peace and then persist when ive quietly made it obvious im not engaging.
You do not get politeness when you put your coat ON my chair and keep forcing yourself into my space.
Those peoplw can fuck right off with themselves.

Sounds horrible and I appreciate the awkwardness of feeling you don’t want to be rude, but also being firm with not wanting him there. Just a thought but may be worth giving bar staff a heads up about his behaviour so they can either subtly intervene, or boot him out if he really is a wrongun. A good licensed premises will be wanted to keep their patrons safe.

All these people saying women go to pubs alone all the time is just bollocks. Occasionally maybe, but it’s really, really not a common occurrence to see a woman in a pub alone. Whether that’s how it ‘should’ be or not is beside the point. The reality is it’s rare.

Oh do stop with the disingenuous Handmaiding!

Most women know, instinctively, if a bloke is being creepy. I'm sure a casual hello would have been fine but this man invaded a woman's space, draped his coat possessively on her chair and tried several times to get her to respond to him. That's not neutral. Ask yourself what sort of bloke aged about 70 approaches a woman literally half his age when she's on her own in a pub and won't go away for ages? Yes, it's creepy. And it WAS a man twice her age so no need to ask her if he'd been 'hot' would it have made a difference? (And no, most women don't want unsolicited attention from men, regardless of what they look like.)

Why on earth do you think dogged persistence on the part of a man who just won't be told, is a winning way to get a date? Why would any woman want to be 'worn down' by this sort of overture? It's not at all attractive, and most women would find it creepy or threatening. If you don't express immediate interest or friendliness, then back off!

So, so far you've suggested:

1. He was drunk
2. He is a "silver fox" and lots of women in their 30s want to date OAPs
3. Women shouldnt ever go to the pub alone and if they do, they are asking to be harassed by men-so its their fault
4. He cant have been that bad because noone else in the pub physically intervened
5. He had nowhere to put his coat apart from the OP's chair
6. Men are too dense to recognise anyone's body language

Bloody hell. What next?- are you going to dissect what the OP was wearing? because clearly thats also her fault isnt it?

🙄

As for this: "that's also telling as men don't usually try to chat up women they feel they have no chance with anyway." Men dont chat up women they dont have a chance with? LMFAO utter bollocks.

Read this thread and you'll see plenty of instances where much older men are sleazing on to women in their 20s. I remember being sleazed over by men in their 40s/50s when I was 14 years old and on my way to school and wearing a school uniform- do you think they had a "chance to date me" then?

@QuintadosMalvados ok I'll bite. I find your dogged determination to ignore OP's judgements in favour of anyone else's quite repellant. Other people's reactions are not a better measure of anything. Your insistence that her experience is less important, her judgement less valid than everyone else's there - and indeed your own - is both odious and groundless.

It's deeply misogynistic to presume a woman will only go into a pub alone if they want to pick up a bloke. Did you not get the memo? We are real people, we are allowed out on our own these days and some of us like beer.

You could always try going home to watch a match on your own T.V. that way you wouldn’t have to suffer the trauma of being talked to by someone you didn’t know

"I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match."

Would YOU go up to a bloke at the pub who is intently watching a game and keep asking him questions after he's ignored your first question?

No, you wouldn't because you'd think, "Oh he's really focused on the game, now is not the time for a chat." And then you'd go do your own thing.

Why didn't this guy do this? Because he didn't think OP's interest in the game mattered. Because he felt justified breaking into her concentration to centralise himself.

It's like guys who see women listening to music with air pods in and they stand in front of them and SIGNAL that they should take their airpods out, so the guy can try to pick them up. Or when a woman is engrossed in her book, and a bloke keeps talking to her.

These men IGNORE the body language that says, "I don't want to talk" because they don't respect it. Because they don't respect women's right to space and autonomy. Because they want to be the centre of female attention. Because what they want is paramount.

These oiks should have basic manners and courtesy and self-awareness. If they don't, they don't deserve extra special attention.

When I was a fair bit younger than I am now (early 50's now) I was in Paris for a couple of nights on my own. I LOVE travelling on my own, I enjoy my own company and I like exploring solo. Don't get much of a chance to do this now I'm married and have a family, but I firmly believe that women should learn to enjoy their own company and not feel they have to 'make nice' or perform for the male gaze in some way.

Anyway, in Paris, would have been nearly 30 years ago, I'd been a few times before but with my mum or friends. I'd never done it solo. I thought, oh I'll hang out in the places we discovered before, I'll find that cafe again, that pretty square where you can eat your market picnic, I'll go to this famous bistro and enjoy their cock au vin, etc etc

WRONG

I had a miserable few days of it. Museums and galleries were ok (as long as you didn't accidentally make eye contact with any blokes) and metro was ok, but any attempt to sit down on a bench, outside, ANYWHERE, was doomed. Along comes a guy. Invariably middle-aged. Why are you sitting alone, do you want company? Why don't you have a boyfriend, you're beautiful. What are you reading, no you don't want to read that, talk to me instead. Why are you eating alone, you need to talk to me and my middle-aged male friend, we're much more interesting than your book and your cock au vin.

Fuck me, I was so fed up of it. Couldn't wait to leave the city and continue on my journey south. Even now as a grizzled old 50-something, I'm wary of going back on my own, even though I'd really like to. Honestly I think the only solution is to grow my whitening hair as long as it'll go, not brush it ever, and affect a facial twitch.

I love my own company and I sit in cafes on my own for a quick coffee and a read most days. Luckily I live in a small semi-rural area where you don't get the attention as much, but that said, I've had the odd beer outside one of our village pubs in the sunshine, just because, and you really do get Looks. Women, know thy place!

So many handmaids on this thread. We do not owe random strange men our smile, our attention, our conversation or our time. Not unless we really want to spend time with them. And if we're on our own, obviously engaged in something, most normal humans would pick up on that cue.

@Pinkwhales That joke wasn’t me saying that grey-haired women don’t get unwanted male attention. I said in my first post that these blokes always make comments about my blonde hair. While I quite like my hair, today was no different 🤦🏼‍♀️. I have a couple of “twinkles” coming through but it’s blonde and this seems to make some men feel that they can ask me if it’s natural - I never answer this question because if I do, their next question is invariably about whether the collar matches the cuffs. Ugh. (Redheads understand this also.) I kind of hope that when my hair goes properly grey then maybe they will stop with those kinds of gross questions and just leave me the fuck alone. (Tbh, it will probably just go bloody beige. That might be even better.)

Thanks for doing this on behalf of all women - or at least me - it might make this grandiose, delusional jerk check his entitlement to your female company another time - so much physical boundary crossing and deliberately and persistently pushing those boundaries - the flounce said it all his arrogant fragile ego was wobbled.

There were plenty of other groups and males of his own age he could have conversations with - but I expect they all know him as the pub bore.

It’s tedious that some men choose to ignore body language and hints so that we have to be so unsocially blunt - but it demonstrates he had no concern for your obvious discomfort - he just pushed on in attempts to satisfy his own needs / ego - we are just an appliance for some men.

No, not totally agreeing. Agree with your sentiment but think it would've been better if she'd have just briefly said sorry not today etc...

Thanks for this comment. I know you're not saying it to make me personally feel better but yeah I was starting to think are they right? Is the evidence of my eyes wrong?
Most people don't go to sit alone and those that do are usually male.
A lot of the time it's to process things alone with a drink in hand being around people but not with them IYSWIM.

Women usually unwind by talking to other people. Even if all men were respectful, they still wouldn't go alone.

Personally i think telling him to fuck right off would be better.

So you have read something from an anonymous poster online, interpreted what you think has happened and called it ‘objective truth’?

wow

Er, no. Couldn't care less about it. Way past all that now.

Bring it on. The incident that stays with me was when I was a lone flyer to Canada. Some pest of a man kept bothering me for my name and, more worryingly still, the details of my onward journey. I merely asked 'why do you want to know?', pointedly put my headphones on, and buried my nose in a device.

I took good care to avoid him in the disembarkation cues. Glad I was only on my way to a three-day conference and had nothing to collect from baggage reclaim.

I'm over 50 and even now they still haven't buggered off out of my orbit, especially on public transport.

Too old for this shit.

This👍

Many years ago - 3 of us.
. All young 20s women were hiking through a town on a walking weekend ..

We stopped to look at a map... We weren't lost but just planning our route past some places we wanted to see...

This much older man... Insisted on 'helping' us, taking our map from us after we said to him we were fine thanks and weren't lost... He then proceeded to flop himself down next to us... And give us the benefit of his knowledge... 😱 And continually act as we needed the benefit of his knowledge and company...

He was just boundary crossing and entitled... We were QUITE clearly saying verbally and non verbally we weren't interested and STILL he persisted...

You cant blame us for thinking this though - you keep popping up with new excuses and justifications for this creep and exhibiting ludicrous mental gymnastics to find new and twisted ways to blame OP (and in fact, most women) for the poor and sleazy behaviour of men.

No you aren’t rude. People don’t have a right to your space and time. You’re within your right for a quiet moment to yourself enjoying a drink in a public space watching the sports.

Nope you did the right thing, wish I could be more like that. When I've had random men talk to me on the train I just pretend the next stop is my one and get off the train and back on a different carriage. Wish I could just say can you leave me alone!

Bloody cheek, almost demanding you interact with him, creep, you were right to stand your ground

The Lecherous Man fan club.