Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

Having been on an outing with a couple of very attractive daughters of friends and seen the unsolicited, very much unwanted attention they got when they just wanted to enjoy the girlie group was a real eye opener. Nothing they said made the guys go away and in the end they got abuse for being standoffish and prima donna's!! Horrible, drunk, entitled men who succeeded in spoiling our day until we went home and had drinks in safety.

Any normal man would

i) not have approached you like that and even if he did
ii) should have stopped engaging with you when you made it clear you weren’t interested in chatting

You were not in the wrong

I had a similar thing! I was 25 and this much older guy who liked to brag that he was a doorman (I'm talking late 50's) kept telling me how lonely and sad he was and asking if we could go to his room just to cuddle. He didn't start asking until he'd seen me drink some drinks throughout the day. Even a young woman at the pool and this random guy had to tell him to clear off and that I quite clearly felt uncomfortable and was not about to go to his room to "cuddle". I've been a PA to a now 87 year old man for 13 years. So I have plenty of time and patience. But you know what's genuine and what is not. If it didn't feel & sit right you certainly did the right thing.

I am posting on this to say that this happened to me again this morning. I had my car in for service so I sat in a nearly empty cafe - plenty of other tables. I had my coffee and some breakfast and was working on my iPad with very visible headphones on. Two blokes in their 60’s (do they dare each other?) waddled up and asked if they could join me. I asked them why as I was obviously working and there were plenty of empty tables… They said “Oh, you look friendly and we just want to chat.” Of course, I pointed out that I was actually working. THEY STARTED TO SIT DOWN ANYWAY!!! I said “Guys, that was me being very clear that I am not here to chat. I have an assignment to do and I want to eat my breakfast in peace!” Their response “Oh no need to be so rude, we were just being friendly!” I asked the manager over and asked him to talk to them and explain that not believing that no means no is not “being friendly” is harrassment, and nobody owes them their attention. I am at home still working on my assignment and still annoyed btw. Considering dying my hair grey as an experiment.

No, you wasn't being rude, he was just a creepy old man trying his luck.

If anyone had the right to be or feel put angry, it's you, not him, for him even thinking that he had the right to harass you when you was just minding your own business.

Too many men think that they have some god given fucking right to control women.

He was being creepy.

OP, you did absolutely the right thing. Any guilt arising from the awkward encounter should be entirely on his shoulders.

Sorry to quote the entire post but dying your hair grey will not stop unwanted male attention so save your money. I do know you meant it as a joke 😀

The men just don't get it that their behaviour is obnoxious do they. 🤬🤬

If someone interrupted my time/personal space I take the view they are the one being rude to me.

ALWAYS trust your instincts. For too long we've been told we're too sensitive, too this, too that. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
You did the right thing.

I've made it absolutely clear that I believe she had the right to turn him away
but she's in her mid - 30s and to be frank we've no idea what this guy looks like.
He could be a silver fox.

Lots of women at this age like older men.

She's not a teenager. 34 isn't so young (far from it) that his approach is considered repulsive because of his age.

You think "lots" of women in their 30s want to date men in their 70s?

🤣😂😂 haha good one! if thats the case, then why isnt this creepy "silver fox" who hangs out at the pub already coupled up with a 30 year old?- coz according to you, these grandads are being swarmed by much younger women desperate to date them.

If this man had his pick of women 40 years younger than him, he simply wouldn't need to sleaze all over the OP who was clearly not interested then would he?

And btw yes, his approach WAS repulsive because she made it clear she wasnt interested and he carried on and put his coat on her chair and got angry when she said no. Thats repulsive.

I totally agree....but in the interest of communication and the fact he's not a mind reader I would've just briefly explained I wasn't up for chatting and wanted a quiet moment....

Your post is a bit silly. It really is. She's a woman in her mid-thirties, not a teenager.

(for all we know she looks older than she is and he looks older too. She may look 40 and he may be 60 looking older. So he's thinking she's only 20 years younger. Not so 'repulsive' then).

Age gaps don't mean the same thing throughout life!

The age gap between a 14-year-old girl and a 50-year-old man is absolutely massive and everybody would agree he would be repulsive to pursue her.

Fast forward 20 years, they meet for the first time and it's no longer repulsive because they are now both mature, fully grown adults no longer in the first flush of youth.

34 is well into mature womanhood.

I repeat: the age gap in and of itself does not make it repulsive.

Do you know what repulsive means? It means something that sickens someone to their very being.

Not just "oh he's too old for her. Silly old fool."

@QuintadosMalvados

You are the one tying yourself in knots trying to make out this creepy old dude is actually Pierce Brosnan and that women in their 30s are all dying to date pensioners.

THAT is silly, come on. Dont be silly,

Also, did you miss my comment about it being repulsive? I said: "And btw yes, his approach WAS repulsive because she made it clear she wasnt interested and he carried on and put his coat on her chair and got angry when she said no. Thats repulsive."

His BEHAVIOUR was repulsive and according to this thread 95% of people agree with the OP 🤷‍♀️

I find the defence of this, at best, annoying bloke repulsive. Let’s hope the OP’s ‘rudeness’ will stop him trying it again. We all know it won’t though.

@EvieBB that’s not totally agreeing with me.

Interestingly, a similar thing happened to me last year but the guy was already there - I just happened to end up near him. Also, he didn't change his position, we were both watching the match and the conversation went two ways. I didn't feel at all intimidated by him. Whereas in your scenario he entered your space and focused on you - very different and would have made me feel uncomfortable. I only cite my experience because it's important for men to know they can talk to women without being intimidating - why can't they tell the difference??

So you married the first man who approached you?

She didn't have to, but since when has it been okay to be rude? Even a stranger is entitled to a modicum of politeness. Making it known to him she wished to be left alone would have knocked it on the head pretty quick. If he'd ignored that polite refusal, well an eff off would have been in order. But rudeness from the start? No, not when she was in a roonful of strangers and not in danger.

Let the modicum of politeness start with men not assuming women owe them their time. I’m all for that.

I think trying to chat up a woman who is obviously enjoying a quiet drink and watching rugby is not particularly polite.

Putting your coat on her chair because you assume you can sit down with her is not remotely polite

Huffing off when you are told no is not polite

In what circumstances (if any) do you think that consuming alcohol shouldn't be used in mitigation or to excuse unacceptable behaviour? Getting into a fight? Causing criminal damage? Sexually harassing women? Sexually assaulting and raping women?

You are basically saying that women shouldn't go to pubs or other venues where alcohol is available unless they are happy to be harassed by drunk men. It's victim blaming at its finest.

So, because he was rude, she has to be?

If you class not engaging in a conversation you don't want to have whilst you are minding your own business and obviously watching something on the screen as rude, then yes.

She owed him nothing. Any kind of response from her would have given him the green light ( in his mind) to continue to try to talk to her.

It's ALWAYS better to ignore in these situations

She wasn’t rude though, she told him she just wanted to watch the match. Thats not remotely rude. Thats when he huffed off and removed his coat from her chair.

Most polite people at that point would have said no worries, enjoy your evening.

I don't really care if anyone agrees with me or not but it has led me to think one thing.
(Incidentally this is why I don't buy the women would go to the pub alone if not for men line.
The very fact that it's supposed to be ostracising for me not to agree with other women hints that women tend to be community-minded and not lone wolves who want to sit alone drinking in a pub.)

Let's assume that he was indeed trying to chat her up, and that the age gap was indeed repulsive to everybody else, why didn't anybody else in the pub intervene?

I've seen real creeps hit on really young women and people - men and women-step in and say 'what you doing mate?' because it elicits a protective instinct.
(Or to be really cynical some men do it to play the hero.)
I've done it myself.

Seems that nobody else found the age gap particularly abhorrent.
They thought that in her mid-thirties she was of the age where she could handle things herself.

If he were trying to chat her up but was prepared to take no for an answer (which he did) , that's also telling as men don't usually try to chat up women they feel they have no chance with anyway.
Admittedly some just try it on anyway but not many to be fair.