Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

And what this guy did was not harassment at all because you're right the bar staff would've intervened. That proves it was not harassment.

"Proves"?

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I don't know what kind of pubs you go to but the bar staff in pubs that I go to would certainly not intervene unless there was excessive noise or physical assault.

The fact nobody intervened on this occasion doesn't 'prove' anything of the kind. Approaching her when she clearly wanted to be left alone - putting his jacket on her chair - asking a complete stranger her name - that all looks like harassment to me. And the OP is not 'making a fuss over nothing'; she had her peace of mind disturbed when she just wanted to have a pleasant experience enjoying a quiet drink in a pub by herself.

Women are regularly harassed in public spaces and have what should be a pleasant experience spoiled. It is part of most women's experience to worry, when a man speaks to them, whether he is going to leave her alone when she wants him to or is going to keep harassing her. Presumably though the 'little woman' being made to feel uncomfortable is insignificant.

And it really isn't the same for men. The wider context of harassment does not exist as it does for harassment against women, and men do not generally get the same hostile response that women get when asked to be left alone. For one thing, because men don't want to get hurt; also, because it is specifically women who are expected to 'be kind' and ignore their own feelings whenever they are 'flattered' by male attention.

Asking a stranger their name could just be considered good manners. As for the coat, not really seeing the issue there.

Peace of mind disturbed? By a guy just trying to have a conversation with her.
Who did not get aggressive and insist she talk to him.
I am not denying women have experienced aggression when they rebuff men - far from it but in this particular case she really is making a fuss over nothing at all.

I'm a 60-year-old single female, living alone, doing my own thing, never married, and it's amazing how many times over the years when I've been sitting alone in cafes, restaurants, I've been approached by blokes of all ages wanting to ''talk'' to me.

They're creepy and annoying; it's like they're thinking I'm the local hooker!

I detest them and refuse to talk to them and completely ignore them, and I'll actually stand up and very loudly tell all staff and customers that there's a ''strange and creepy man who I don't know,'' trying to talk to me, and won't get the hint I'm not interested in jumping into his bed.

I've very unpolitely and loudly told quite a few to f-off when they won't get the message and insist on keep pestering me.

I have a couple of old men who I know personally who are both widowers, one in his 80s and the other 101! I'm quite happy to have them sit with me, and we have a laugh and joke. I hold their hands, and we have a nice, gentle cuddle. They mean absolutely no harm and are just lonely and very lovely, but I won't have strangers who I don't know trying to chat me up!

So you admit then that it IS on men not to behave poorly and it is on men not to get so drunk that they hassle and harass women?

Good, I am glad you finally agree the issue is men behaving poorly and its not the fault of women.

Funny that they never seem to dare do it in GP waiting rooms, at supermarket tills, or at the chemists counter isnt it, these poor innocent chaps.

@Futurehappiness

It's odd but I can see a mile off when people don't want company. If they are watching a screen intently, if their head is in a book, or if they are just not making eye contact with anyone.

Yes, "most" people can read the signals. But there are plenty of men AND women who don't and try to strike up conversations when the other person clearly isn't interested. Not just pubs, but park benches, cafes, train/bus stations, etc. Even just having a stroll along the canal or beach - "some" people just don't read the signals and try to strike up conversation, stop your walk or your birdwatching or your photography - whatever you were doing. The vast majority DO know to read the signs and leave you alone if you're not looking up, reading a book/newspaper or looking at your phone, but there are a minority, men and women, who just seem intent on having to disturb you and almost making it like they have to "entertain" you rather than leave you alone assuming some kind of default position that you must be lonely if you're just harmlessly doing your own thing and not even taking hints when you reply with one syllable words or don't reply at all, often meaning you have to be pretty abrupt to get them to leave you alone - and no, again, it's definitely not always a man/woman thing!

I'm in waiting rooms a lot, at GPs, hospitals, etc., and there are a often other people who just have to sit right next to you, trying to strike up conversation, etc., again, both men and women. I try to remember to take a book with me, so that hopefully it gives off the "sod off" vibes so that they leave me alone. Not particularly pervy old men, in fact, very rarely pervy old men. My DH says exactly the same and does the seem as me to avoid people talking to him as he's in GP and hospital waiting rooms more than I am. Actually he gets more annoyed because he says he regularly gets random blokes wanting to chat about football or boxing etc for which he has no interest whatsoever yet because he's a bloke, lots of other blokes seem it's their "duty" to chat about sport with him!! He's much quieter than me so won't basically tell them to sod off either, so just sits there nodding occasionally hoping either him or the other guy will get called in soon!

Ive never been approached outside of bars/pubs.

He was rude first OP. Sounds like a creep TBH

And why didn’t the 70+ man not realise that rather than trying to engage a strange woman young enough to be his daughter in conversation he could have directed his attentions towards peers his own age and sex? Because it’s not just about a chat is it? As I’m sure you’re well aware. It’s about him trying to force his company on the OP.

Well done @IndigoBluey for not putting up with it. You did absolutely the right thing and hopefully he’ll think twice before sidling up to a young woman on her own next time.

Oh you’re such a cool girl aren’t you? So, so cool - I’ll bet you’re “one of the lads” and think you’re not like other girls, right? We’re all so fusty and boring compared to you.

You seem to be bending yourself out of shape to take this guy’s side.

asking a stranger their name could be considered good manners - but only if the OP had described a completely different scenario.

I thought you were a bloke, but there’s no way a man would be happy if a man put his jacket on another guy’s chair without asking. People get punched for far less in pubs (by men).

Eh?
I'm not a cool girl at all!
I'm as far away from being one of the lads as you can imagine. I've no male friends, only acquaintances - who I'm more than happy to chat to- also I firmly believe that women can't be friends in fact.
I wouldn't ever go to the pub alone unless it's Spoons for a coffee in the cafe type area.
Cool girl. Lol.

Sorry that was in response to @KatsPJs

I'll tell you why I appear to bending myself out of shape.
The guy actually did nothing wrong other than to attempt to chat to her.

He then left when she made it clear his company was not wanted.
That is the objective truth.
What people infer from it is irrelevant.

What is more is that nonsense like this detracts from actual harassment and that pisses me off.

Good manners to ask a total stranger their name?

On whose planet? Because it certainly isn't on the one I live on!

Exactly. Creepy bloke wants a young woman to chat to him to stroke his ego. She rightly tells him to piss off. He’s in a huff about it.

I would find it harassment as there are so many old men who think it’s a woman’s duty to entertain them. Unless OP is up for a chat and the guy is friendly not creepy, they should be told to get lost each and every time.

Do you sidle up to other people’s tables in bars/restaurants and stand there inanely smiling at them for minutes on end when they are quite clearly trying to ignore you? Because I’ve never done that personally but I appreciate everyone is different.

No I don't but so what, some people do.
You just tell them to go away.
She told him to go away and he did.

It's such a non-event, it really is.

It looks like SidlingOlderGuy has joined the thread.

Out of the 1770 people who have voted, 1681 people disagree with him.

You’re right, why on earth are women making such a big deal of how challenging it can be to ask men to leave them alone? It’s such a non-event isn’t it?

Man jailed for assaulting woman who rejected him https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c8ekl19ppz8o

https://www.buzzfeed.com/patricepeck/street-harassment-women-rejecting-men-toxic-masculinity

https://www.bettertospeak.org/stories/when-will-women-stop-being-victims-of-men-who-cant-handle-rejection

Can I ask if you are male or female?

The invasion of a total stranger's space by hanging your jacket on a chair they are sitting in is one of dominance, entitlement and passive aggression. It is not something that would be done, except very rarely, by a female.

It breaks the rules of polite social interaction.

Are you talking harassment with a small 'h' or a capital 'H' which is a criminal offence?
If it's the latter, then I'm sorry but the police would not do anything about this particular incident.

I would only class it harassment if he continued to talk to me after I told him to leave me alone.

Female. And maybe there was nowhere else to put his coat.

He had arms with hands on the end of them.