I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

[Anon543210]

I'm a 41 year old (f) and been having lots of peri symptoms for the past year now including brain fog, irritability, hot flashes among a few other symptoms. I haven't been to the doctors because a lot of the symptoms I can manage without medication.
Now here's whats making me really angry and I want to know who is BU I'm prepared to be told I am.
So yesterday my partner asked me if I could put this little gammon ham in the oven for him in the morning when I got up so he could have gammon sandwiches when the football started at 3pm, so I said to him last nignt before we got in bed please remind me when I get up in the morning and he said he would all fine....or so I thought.
Anyway I get up this morning and obviously I'm not thinking of gammon ham as soon as a open my eyes, I get up and start getting on with my morning have a cup of tea, take the dog out for a walk etc. It gets to 3pm and he pipes up "what happened to my gammon ham?"
I said "you never reminded me and obviously I forgot" he said "you're a grown adult you shouldn't need reminding, at least that's what you say to me sometimes" I said "thats different I'm going through peri and suffer with brain fog, you know this" he raised his voice slightly and said "you haven't even been diagnosed by a doctor, its just you coming up with excuses" I said to him "I don't need to be diagnosed it goes off symptoms and do you really think I want to be this way?" He gets so stubborn when it comes to anything to do with womens health which i just usually brush off as him being a typical man amd not really understanding womens health. But today this has made me so so angry I basically told him that hes made me feel like a right horrible cow now forgetting to do that for him and him bringing it up when it was too late. I also offered to do it now but he said its too late now and we will have it another day. I know this also gets said a lot of mumsnet but he is genuinely a good and nice man in every other aspect its just this 1 area that is now starting to grate on me so much that I'm actually irrationally questioning my whole 12 and a half year relationship which obviously once I've had a chance to calm down I will realise I was just too angry but at the moment I'm not speaking to him because I'm that angry its also my time of the month at the moment so I'm guessing thats heightening my emotions.

I’m going through it so know how you feel.

My husband doesn’t understand it really and I’m sure he just thinks I’m turning into a shouting, emotional, forgetful lunatic. Ive tried to explain it to him but it’s honestly going in one ear and out the other. I’m older than you and I’ve put off going to the doctors for various reasons but have bitten the bullet and have an appointment booked.
I know you’re younger but may be worth booking in and getting tested to see if HRT is available.

It's not really the point but why on earth couldn't he cook his own gammon?

You're right its not the point.
But to answer your question I am the cook in the house always have been without blowing my own trumpet I'm the better cook. He does cook sometimes but when he cooks it will be something he can chuck in the oven or the airfryer usually UPF. I enjoy cooking and it is 1 of my live languages making him food trying different recipes and cooking from scratch. So I prefer to cook.

The thing that really pisses me off is the fact he thinks I'm just making excuses like i want to be like this i really don't im sure he thinks im making it all up which again i really wish I was.

Firstly, why didn’t he cook his own sodding gammon?!

How does he best process information? If you can’t talk to him, would he read some information or watch a video on YouTube?

I’d explain this is something you are finding difficult and distressing and you really need his support. If he completely shuts you down and refuses to listen/read/think about then he’s not a great guy.

This. He clearly forgot about it too and just wants to blame you. I hate people who try to outsource their thinking.

This genuinely good and nice man, acted like a genuine wanker.

But aside from that, just a few points...

1. Don't just assume everything is down to peri menopause as this is what I did, and a blood test later also turned up a very under active thyroid (symptoms are very similar to peri).
2. Do yourself a favour and write everything down that you need to remember, this has been a lifesaver for me both at home and at work.
3. There was no need to tell us you're female.
4. Of course you're the better cook because you do ALL the cooking in the house 🙄

ETA: Number 4.

And he has the nerve to remind you that you're a grown adult?

Thanks for the replies so far. We normally get on so well. We have been together 12 and half years 13 in July and normally have great laughs together. He works incredibly hard whilst I am at home all day which can't be easy for him but he never ever says anything about it.
I am currently trying to get back into work after being out of the workplace for 8 years due to mental and physical health conditions which although haven't completely disappeared I am in such a better headstone than I've ever been its just this one thing. Like I said in every other way he is a lovely man so kind and loving and always affectionate to me its just this 1 thing we seem to be butting heads on which is then turning into me being irrationally angry with him. Other than that he has been so supportive of me especially with trying to get back into the workplace. And he was an absolute rock last year when my daughter passed away he really could not do enough for me including taking time off work for longer than normal meaning for some of it he was unpaid just so he didn't have to leave me as I was a complete mess this is why I'm so hurt and surprised about his attitude to my peri symptoms.

But isn't putting a ham in the oven simply a matter of putting it in the oven and keeping an eye on it? Not actually cooking -- no recipe-following, no skill involved.

This!!

I’d be telling him where else he could put his little gammon ham!

He should have put in his own gammon in the oven. I don't care if you're the cook or not. He at least could have checked on it before finding out you forgot in the afternoon. Let him sort out his stuff to be done like that.

That said, he's right in a sense although being ignorant and uninformed. You have unexplained symptoms that you're attributing to perimenopause, but you haven't sought a doctor's diagnosis or treatment. He sees you've become unreliable at doing things you've said you would because of whatever's going on and your symptoms are impacting your relationship and life. Get a physical and blood work. You really need to take care of yourself here.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've also got intense grief complicating things.

I don’t think this is about peri. This is about your husband being an arse about some ham.

Did your DH go off to work?

TBH you can't change what happened yesterday but during peri/menopausal times making notes will become one of your best ideas ever.

When I was at your stage OP I’d have inserted his gammon somewhere the sun don’t shine. In fact I probably still would. He wanted something for himself, you asked him to remind you, he forgot to remind you to do something for HIM - not your fault.

As for hoping for some empathy, I’m afraid it is generally in short supply. I think some men are generally bewildered and a bit scared of the subject. But actually, this is about his forgetfulness in forgetting to remind you about doing something for him - what’s his excuse?

As for HRT, my principle debilitating symptoms were all emotional in the early days and HRT really helped me to be calmer. I was full of rage and probably difficult to live with but nobody cut me any slack either. I still feel resentful about it but three teenagers with their own hormonal ups and down were never going to have much empathy. My DH is a doctor and he didn’t really get it either, and I couldn’t really explain how awful I felt. Why not see if there is something that will help YOU feel better/calmer.

I now set myself alarms in my phone if there's something I think I'm likely to forget. But that's a tip to help you with the brain fog OP - it won't be much help with your husband being an arse. It doesn't really matter why you forgot IMO, whether it was peri or just a simple mistake, he should have reminded you and there's no point him being nasty about it.

I feel like he'd know there was no gammon cooking as you'd smell it. So why would he wait to ask where it was? To have a go at you?

If not that, then the fact remains he also forgot. What's his excuse? Sounds like a big baby.

OP unfortunately all you're going to get is people getting distracted by why you were cooking the ham. People seem unable to consider that some of us like and prefer to be the cook in the house and love cooking for others

Outsourcing his thinking, this description from a PP is very accurate and Im going to use this in future for my OH who on the one hand doesnt want me apparently telling him and reminding him of stuff but on the other blames me if I havent told him and reminded him of stuff. I have terrible peri symptoms and cannot remember anything any more so its now my time to outsource my thinking and he will be told this!!

He's quite capable of turning the oven on.... surely?? Yes I would be extremely irritated with him.... regardless of my time of the month!!!

He’s a grown adult who can cook his own fucking ham.

Just seen your update @Anon543210- I’m so sorry about your daughter and I’m glad your DH was supportive at such a very difficult time. Perhaps he understood your grief and found it easier to know what to do to support you. I think women’s health and how it affects women psychologically is very hard for many men to get their head around.

Thanks all for your helpful replies. I am definitely going to ring the doctors on monday and see if I can get in for some tests although not holding out hope because its so hard to get appointments at our doctors between the regular demics taking up appointments to the full on guard dog receptionists that act as if appointments are coming out of their pockets but I will push for an appointment and some tests. As for my partner I have been questioning our relationship lots lately but I'm not sure if thats just because I'm really hormonal and still going through grief for my daughter and been finding that I've been enjoying my own company more and going for walks on my own with the dog where as I used to ask him to come with us on his days off I just find I get ready and go and am not really that bothered if he joins us or not. I honestly don't know why I'm feeling this way coz hes not an ogre and he doesn't treat me bad in fact he gets me anything I want so u could say I'm spoiled in a way but I don't know why I am suddenly feeling so distant from the relationship coz thats all I can describe it as. I haven't fallen out of love I have just become a bit indifferent you could say but I also love him so much so maybe you are all right and I do need to see a professional before I do something I regret.

@Anon543210 You should have told us in your OP that he works (hard) and you don't. Then people wouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that you were being abused doing all the cooking.

He was unreasonable to scold you for forgetting though. He was the one to forget to remind you that he needed a favour. The onus is on the person who needs something to remind about it if that has been stated.
Ex; my oncle helps me out at times driving me to medical visits with my dc when it's far away. I always remind him the day before and the same day. I'm the one needing hhe favour and he is happy to help out as long as I'm not counting on him to remember anything.

OP unfortunately all you're going to get is people getting distracted by why you were cooking the ham. People seem unable to consider that some of us like and prefer to be the cook in the house and love cooking for others

It's hardly a distraction is it, considering he was being a wanker about the ham HE wanted to eat.

There's loving cooking for others and then there's having others take the absolute fucking piss.

Im afraid its on posters if they want to assume that someone cooking for someone else is some sort of grunt work and drudgery. Cooking is my therapy.