I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

[Anon543210]

I'm a 41 year old (f) and been having lots of peri symptoms for the past year now including brain fog, irritability, hot flashes among a few other symptoms. I haven't been to the doctors because a lot of the symptoms I can manage without medication.
Now here's whats making me really angry and I want to know who is BU I'm prepared to be told I am.
So yesterday my partner asked me if I could put this little gammon ham in the oven for him in the morning when I got up so he could have gammon sandwiches when the football started at 3pm, so I said to him last nignt before we got in bed please remind me when I get up in the morning and he said he would all fine....or so I thought.
Anyway I get up this morning and obviously I'm not thinking of gammon ham as soon as a open my eyes, I get up and start getting on with my morning have a cup of tea, take the dog out for a walk etc. It gets to 3pm and he pipes up "what happened to my gammon ham?"
I said "you never reminded me and obviously I forgot" he said "you're a grown adult you shouldn't need reminding, at least that's what you say to me sometimes" I said "thats different I'm going through peri and suffer with brain fog, you know this" he raised his voice slightly and said "you haven't even been diagnosed by a doctor, its just you coming up with excuses" I said to him "I don't need to be diagnosed it goes off symptoms and do you really think I want to be this way?" He gets so stubborn when it comes to anything to do with womens health which i just usually brush off as him being a typical man amd not really understanding womens health. But today this has made me so so angry I basically told him that hes made me feel like a right horrible cow now forgetting to do that for him and him bringing it up when it was too late. I also offered to do it now but he said its too late now and we will have it another day. I know this also gets said a lot of mumsnet but he is genuinely a good and nice man in every other aspect its just this 1 area that is now starting to grate on me so much that I'm actually irrationally questioning my whole 12 and a half year relationship which obviously once I've had a chance to calm down I will realise I was just too angry but at the moment I'm not speaking to him because I'm that angry its also my time of the month at the moment so I'm guessing thats heightening my emotions.

Sorry I realise after I posted that that would be a bit of a drip feed so thought I best add it onto other comments about me not working. I've tried to add on as much as I can that I thought might be relevant but I'm far from being abused literally this man would normally do anything for me no questions asked this is why this has surprised me so much and also made me really angry.

You don't need "tests" for perimenopause it goes off your symptoms. When you ring the GP and ask for an appointment and they ask why say I am wanting HRT because the symptoms are impacting my everyday life. Before you call you might want to write down your symptoms with the worse ones for you at the top. That should surely get you in.

Secondly, you need to take responsibility over the memory issues/brain fog. I know you were putting the gammon in for him but either set a reminder in your phone for alerts to pop up or write stuff down on a to do list. I started to do this when I forgot things I would never have forgotten before. I have a post it notes app on my phone which is pretty much always near me so I can add stuff to it.

For my sons who were teens when I started in peri I just showed them pages from Davina's menopause book so they could understand the stuff I was going through.

Can you afford private tests OP, I fear you might get fobbed off because you're a bit young, I use medichecks but there are other companies

The problem with peri is that blood tests would need to be every single day to track the loss of various hormones, so they do tend to go on symptoms and age

My own surgery is utter rubbish about the menopause stuff.

Has he got a death wish talking to a peri menopausal woman like that 😱

And therefore, he can't possibly follow simple instructions on how to cook a piece of gammon?

That's called 'weaponised incompetence', which he's used very effectively again today.

I really don't think I could afford private to be honest but it could be something I could potentially look into if I get back into work in fact I think a few of the places I'm going to be interviewing for have their own private medical policies where u can go private and the company insurance covers it so even more reason to get back into work. The doctors at my surgery are ok there is only a couple I will see and thats on my notes as I've had a couple of bad experiences with a couple of the other doctors fobbing me off so I will definitely ring up on monday and request an appointment.

It's completely normal to need to write notes to self, or put reminders in our phone, as we get older. Most of us just do it without thinking.
It's not necessary to call it "peri" or medicalise it because it's just one of those things that happens to lots of us - women and men.
So I'd say you're both being over-dramatic.

You might not need an appointment.

At my surgery, you can ring and request a form for blood tests and they'll text you a link that shows all the local places you can book it at.

Your GP then gets sent the results (as do you if you have the NHS app) and if they need to see you regarding the results they'll ask you to book an appointment.

OP unfortunately all you're going to get is people getting distracted by why you were cooking the ham.

This is why I asked if he went to work, chances are if he'd have put the gammon in himself before he went it would have been a bit burnt had he of not got back home within an hour or so.

Honestly, just start HRT. He’ll never fully understand what you’re going through because he’s a man, but HRT will help you get a grip of your emotions.

Last summer I was getting irrationally angry every day. I fucking hated DH most days and was telling him I wanted a divorce. I just couldn’t get past little irritations. I absolutely hated him.

My DD sat me down and told me I wasn’t being normal and I should see my dr. Was put on HRT straight away and now I feel great. Obviously DH can still be irritating but I no longer want to take a knife to his throat!

I think that part of the problem is that peri seems to be the buzz word right now, some people are getting tired of hearing about it, and some people do think there's a lot of bandwagon-jumping going on - even other women are saying it.

I honestly think you should go to the doctor for blood tests, at least to rule out anaemia or low vit D or B12 which would also cause your symptoms. If it's not any of those things it most likely is peri. If you're getting continued sleepless nights causing your brain fog, you really should think about getting hrt.

As for your husband, he needs to chill out. Inform him he's losing about 2% of his testosterone every year (for now.. it'll speed up soon) and he has your sympathy as it can't be nice losing his masculinity at that rate.

I put alerts on my phone to remind me of things

When you say you can’t afford private, is that you or as a couple?

I don’t think you should’ve blamed the peri even if it’s true. I think you should have told him that you set the conditions when he asked (aka if he reminds you in the morning) and he didn’t do that. He’s also a grown man capable of putting meat in an oven or even seeing that the oven isn’t on prior to 3pm.

He's a grown adult too, so tell him to put his own gammon in the bloody oven!!! You're not his servant! The cheek of him.....!

So sorry OP. It's probably more related to grief than Peri...? Big hugs

"What happened to my gammon ham?"
"Oh God; I'm sorry - it completely slipped my mind."
... might have led to a more adult exchange!

That being said, menopause is fucking shit.

Pot, kettle, black.

I don’t understand why he thinks he has any right to moan at you when he did the exact same thing. He also forgot about his gammon ham, he only happened to remember when he was hungry and wanting to settle in and watch his game.

Regardless of if it was Pre-MP OP, it was a mistake, it wasn’t deliberate.

He does sound like a lovely man from how you describe him here. He’s been very supportive of your mental health challenges in the past so I’m sure he’ll come to understand the impact of hormones. I do think peri/menopause isn’t well understood by lots of people (I think historically it was just seen as a few hot flashes and then your period stops). Maybe gather together some of the key info and when you’re both calm have a conversation about your symptoms and how these are affecting you. It sounds like he’s been v patient and understanding in the past, so I hope he can understand this too. (There is lots of info available via podcasts, social media etc if he uses these things).

I think the main issue he has with it is I haven't actually been diagnosed by a medical doctor so he thinks I'm just using it as an excuse I'm not. I think it might help if I do go to the doctors coz then at least if the doctor did confirm I had peri and it was there in black and white off a medical doctor then he would be more inclined to believe me and therefor have more patience and understanding.

Why can’t you put yourself a reminder on your phone or something

Does he need written expert evidence for everything you tell him?

So he's basically calling you a bare faced liar and you're putting up with that?

Why?

He should have cooked the han or at least reminded you.
He is mean to accuse you of making excuses when you are concerned about your own brain fog.
However, since you have noticed it, you need to develop ways of coping including setting alarms and leaving yourself notes. This will make life much easier.

I mean neither of us could afford to go private for anything at the moment.

Yes I think this is something I am now going to have to do the trouble with that is what if I'm so forgetful that I forget to set reminders and timers? I'm not being deliberately awkward thats really honestly how bad my memory is right now.

What was his excuse for forgetting to remind you?