I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

[Anon543210]

I'm a 41 year old (f) and been having lots of peri symptoms for the past year now including brain fog, irritability, hot flashes among a few other symptoms. I haven't been to the doctors because a lot of the symptoms I can manage without medication.
Now here's whats making me really angry and I want to know who is BU I'm prepared to be told I am.
So yesterday my partner asked me if I could put this little gammon ham in the oven for him in the morning when I got up so he could have gammon sandwiches when the football started at 3pm, so I said to him last nignt before we got in bed please remind me when I get up in the morning and he said he would all fine....or so I thought.
Anyway I get up this morning and obviously I'm not thinking of gammon ham as soon as a open my eyes, I get up and start getting on with my morning have a cup of tea, take the dog out for a walk etc. It gets to 3pm and he pipes up "what happened to my gammon ham?"
I said "you never reminded me and obviously I forgot" he said "you're a grown adult you shouldn't need reminding, at least that's what you say to me sometimes" I said "thats different I'm going through peri and suffer with brain fog, you know this" he raised his voice slightly and said "you haven't even been diagnosed by a doctor, its just you coming up with excuses" I said to him "I don't need to be diagnosed it goes off symptoms and do you really think I want to be this way?" He gets so stubborn when it comes to anything to do with womens health which i just usually brush off as him being a typical man amd not really understanding womens health. But today this has made me so so angry I basically told him that hes made me feel like a right horrible cow now forgetting to do that for him and him bringing it up when it was too late. I also offered to do it now but he said its too late now and we will have it another day. I know this also gets said a lot of mumsnet but he is genuinely a good and nice man in every other aspect its just this 1 area that is now starting to grate on me so much that I'm actually irrationally questioning my whole 12 and a half year relationship which obviously once I've had a chance to calm down I will realise I was just too angry but at the moment I'm not speaking to him because I'm that angry its also my time of the month at the moment so I'm guessing thats heightening my emotions.

Not much sympathy for him but she did say that she always tells him that he is a grown adult if he asks to be reminded.

Please go to your doctor. Don’t demonise the other patients, you don’t know what they are going through. The receptionists at my practice are super, but we can also book on line, can you do that?
This might be perimenopause but it might not. As others have said these signs can be caused by other conditions which might be easy to manage.
I feel worried for you because, and now I can’t find it again, you said you are grieving. You might be depressed.
MN is not the ideal place to raise this unless you did just want us to say “ tell him to cook his own bloody ham”. Please see your Dr.

Yes hes a grown adult too!

It’s part of peri that what used to be minor irritations can cause irrational levels of anger. You just ride the wave and reconnect when you feel calmer.

I don’t think this is all you though, I think after supporting you through the tragic loss of your daughter and 8 years of being your carer as well as being the sole breadwinner while you stopped working, that he may be having compassion fatigue.

I am sure when he started out as your partner 12 years ago he could not ever have expected that your lives would go this way. That’s not your fault of course, but when someone has unexpectedly become their partner’s carer and sole financial support for a such long time (8 years is a longer than alot of marriages) they will need support and respite. Are you registered as disabled? Has he had a carer’s assessment? Does he have any support group or therapist for him to deal with how this is impacting him? He can’t be there all the time to support you if he has no support behind him too.

Jesus so he wants confirmation from another man that peri-menopause is a ‘thing’ because your word isn’t good enough… and he can’t put his own food in the oven? Why was he relying on you to cook his lunch in the first place? Was he at work or something? If so why couldn’t he put it in on a timer?

He thinks he has the upper-hand here but he sounds like an absolute wanker who needs mummy to sort out his packed lunch- and you can tell him I said that 😄

Your husband needs to be careful. As our nurturing baby making hormones wane so does our tolerance for numpty blokes who can’t adult.

It sounds like he's not happy that his wife has dropped a few gears and the explanation you're giving him just isn't cutting it. The big difference is that you're living it, he isn't, and any woman who is struggling with peri knows what it's like and that it can be a long hard slog that you just have to take every day as it comes. Nobody knows how bad peri can be until they're in it, every woman is different and my naivety of believing that the entirety of it was periods stopping and a few hot flushes was way off.

My saviour was HRT and Facebook groups. I felt completely and utterly alone until I read that other women were going through very similar to me and it helped immensely.

@MyMiniMetro

He thinks he has the upper-hand here but he sounds like an absolute wanker who needs mummy to sort out his packed lunch- and you can tell him I said that 😄

This. The perimenopause is a complete red herring here and I'm honestly shocked that people are advising you to go to the doctor because your OH has had a go at you for not putting some ham in the oven.

This is a prime example of how men weaponise women talking about their hormones to patronise and belittle them.

I'm not surprised you don't feel comfortable talking to him about your perimenopause: he's using it against you. Stop expecting him to be supportive of you and most of all stop being his mum.

I wish posters would RTFT.

OP has been jobless, grieving the death of her daughter and chronically mentally and physically ill for the last 8yrs of a 12yr relationship.
Her partner is her primary carer and the sole breadwinner. She says he has been wonderful support, only lately things are getting tense and tempers are flaring.
She was recently trying to get back into work but now she’s experiencing what may be peri symptoms so is naturally struggling.

Her partner is likely struggling too. Not many stick around when a partner essentially becomes too ill to work only 4 years into a relationship. Perhaps, with these new symptoms, he is wondering if OP will ever work again especially since she can’t even set a reminder to put some gammon in the oven.

IMHO. This isn’t a man child situation. This is a compassion fatigue and carer burnout situation. When a partner becomes disabled long term, it affects everyone in the home.

No one in my family (regardless of age) would remember this kind of thing unless a note was stuck somewhere really obvious.

If you have been off work for 8 years due to mental and physical health conditions, I can see why talk of perimenopause might feel to him like the next health issue starting up.

I think the problem is because he's so good to you and he asked you to do one thing for him and you forgot, he doesn't understand how you could have forgotten, it's not a question of he could have done it himself. If you do lots for one person and the other person can't do one thing that you asked them to do, it just seems unreasonable.
Just get to the gp and get hrt or whatever you need.

So sorry and I'm probably going to get ripped to shreds now by the massive drip feed but his mum passed away in October just gone and so maybe some of his irritability is still coming from grief. I also took my MIL passing really hard and so we really leaned on each other equally for that and then after the funeral and everything going back to normal for want of a better word (god I actually hate that word) it has been a tough couple of months for us both. A few weeks after my mother in law passing we had to have our beloved family dog pts after she had aggressive terminal cancer and it was me that took her to the vets and stayed with her until the end because I knew how hard it would have been for him having to do that when his DM hadn't long passed away. But for every grief we went through last year we both helped and leaned on each other and it did bring us closer. I thought going into 2026 things would settle and be a lot calmer but now this has cropped up and we both seem to be getting older and less intolerant and I'm worried something is going to give. I'm just hoping I can get into the doctors and even if it isn't peri if its something else hopefully they can get to the root of the problem and get me some help whether thats therapy or medication because at the moment I'm constantly on high alert.
I've also asked him to go to the doctor to talk to the doctor and see if he can help and maybe he has depression but he just brushes it off and says that hes just getting a grumpy old man.

Related but not strictly on topic, this thread has reminded me I need to apply my vaginal oestrogen this evening! Thank you! (Age 44 and peri as fuck, mate)

OP, whatever the problem is that is causing your brain fog and forgetfulness, there us nothing stopping you from developing work arounds like setting reminders or keeping a task calendar. Millions of women in peri who can’t take HRT use these as do other adults with these sane symptoms caused by other conditions (long Covid for example). You don’t have to wait for tests or a diagnosis to start looking into what might help you now to at least try and manage the symptoms.

He's been the only working adult for the last 8 years. Hardly a shit stain. Maybe he's just fucking exhausted.

Honestly, OP this is such an easy thing to forget. It’s an additional task which is not part of your normal routine. Anyone could forget that. It’s also not the end of the world. He won’t starve during the football. Other sandwich fillings are available.
The much bigger issue is the death of your daughter. That is tragic and I’m so sorry for your loss. He has also experienced a major bereavement. Grief has stages. Could it be that one or both of you are in the “anger” stage of your grief?
Please let the GP know everything you are going through as a family. You need help and support if you are struggling with this loss. Be kind and gentle with yourself and with each other. Don’t make any rash or impulsive decisions. Your emotions will be all over the place.

Where did OP say he wants the confirmation from another man?

fair enough if you’re the cook, but why is he having a go at you for such a small thing? Honestly it sounds like he’s being quite disrespectful and expecting you to wait on him hand and foot. When I started going through peri and menopause I found that I just wouldn’t put up with any shit I’d put up with before ( like husband expecting me to do the lion’s share of everything). Maybe you need to redefine your relationship. There is probably more of his behaviour that has started grating on you if you feel you are not as interested to be in his company

There is clearly a whole lot else going on in your lives and relationship that only the two of you know the detail of.

If this is the start of peri it will help you to develop some coping strategies.

As others have said, I write everything down (DH does too!), paper notes, little laminated notes (Dad had dementia we adopted them then), lists, calendar reminders, literally nothing happens without a prompt.

I'm a lot further into this timewise and I genuinely couldn't function without reminders and lists - they help my anxiety as I don't have to try to remember things.

In your example one of us would have gone to the kitchen to write a note that said "cook gammon" as we know there is very little chance either of us would have remembered

There’s really not many female GP’s out there.

"I enjoy cooking and it is 1 of my live languages making him food trying different recipes and cooking from scratch. So I prefer to cook."

You might love cooking but If you had wanted to do what he asked you to do, you would have left yourself a note. Here is an old school perimenopause hack; buy a sticky note pad (medium size, the little ones are too little) and a Sharpie for bold lettering for your bedroom. Keep them OUT on your bedside table or bathroom counter so that you see them. Don't let them be covered up in other detritus. If they are covered or in a drawer you might try to remember where they are, or, more likely, forget about writing yourself a note altogether.

Put the note of what you want to remember in the morning on your mirror or on your toothbrush so that you see it when your brush your teeth. Carry the note downstairs to the kitchen with you and put the note where you will see it again, so in case you get sidetracked doing something else, the note will remind you, again. Take it down once the task is completed. This works for the office and children as well, put the note on your mirror then transfer to your keys where you will see it again when you go to leave.

Caution, limit yourself to no more than 2 items per note and no more than 3 notes per 24 hour period. It's not a to-do list, it's a memory jogger.

Hi OP… Just some advice from someone who is in Peri just heading into menopause… and who has done a lot of support work at my company around menopause… Unless you get a very knowledgeable GP you may struggle to get support due to your age.. My advice.. download the “Balance App”.. Track your symptoms religiously and go into the GP with as much information as you can, do your research first!
As others have said it could well be something else for which there are tests such as an under active thyroid but there are no tests that can be done for perimenopause. I think someone else mentioned your hormone levels will fluctuate wildly in a 24hr period so they cannot do a blood test to get an answer. Based on the whole story I imagine you could easily be fobbed off with antidepressants so if you don’t believe this is depression be prepared to stand your ground. Ask for a GP with specific knowledge on Menopause and/or women’s health you might be lucky enough to find your practice has someone. As for your partner there’s quite a lot of information around specifically for partners now that you could point him to. I don’t imagine he has any idea how debilitating it can be, not excusing his behaviour but he may need to be forced to do a little reading! I was 47 but for six months I genuinely thought I had early onset dementia and it was terrifying.. I also had no idea perimenopause even existed so it’s a learning curve for many! Good luck I hope you find the answer and get the help you need.. ❤️

Peri-menopause aside, tell him to cook his own fucking gammon!

There’s clearly a lot going on here.

But your section about him ‘getting stubborn because he doesn’t understand women’s health issues’ makes no sense. If he recognises he doesn’t understand, he would either learn more or admit his ignorance. To be stubborn about something, he’d need to have knowledge, so an opinion.

You seem to be saying he is stubborn in his determination to maintain his ignorance. Why? That’s the behaviour of someone who views you as a kitchen appliance, not a person - the opposite of the way you describe him otherwise, as caring and supportive.

He needs to read about menopause, gain some knowledge.

Don’t ring the GP on Monday, you’ll never get through. Wait till Tuesday or Wednesday.

I mean, he does come across as a bit of a wanker, but given that you've both got a lot going on, then perhaps the 'Gammon Incident' is a sign of a temporary impasse.
OP, you say he's entering 'grumpy old man' territory - I'm absolutely NOT making excuses for his behaviour, but he is undergoing his own age-related hormonal changes, which have real effects.