I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

[Anon543210]

I'm a 41 year old (f) and been having lots of peri symptoms for the past year now including brain fog, irritability, hot flashes among a few other symptoms. I haven't been to the doctors because a lot of the symptoms I can manage without medication.
Now here's whats making me really angry and I want to know who is BU I'm prepared to be told I am.
So yesterday my partner asked me if I could put this little gammon ham in the oven for him in the morning when I got up so he could have gammon sandwiches when the football started at 3pm, so I said to him last nignt before we got in bed please remind me when I get up in the morning and he said he would all fine....or so I thought.
Anyway I get up this morning and obviously I'm not thinking of gammon ham as soon as a open my eyes, I get up and start getting on with my morning have a cup of tea, take the dog out for a walk etc. It gets to 3pm and he pipes up "what happened to my gammon ham?"
I said "you never reminded me and obviously I forgot" he said "you're a grown adult you shouldn't need reminding, at least that's what you say to me sometimes" I said "thats different I'm going through peri and suffer with brain fog, you know this" he raised his voice slightly and said "you haven't even been diagnosed by a doctor, its just you coming up with excuses" I said to him "I don't need to be diagnosed it goes off symptoms and do you really think I want to be this way?" He gets so stubborn when it comes to anything to do with womens health which i just usually brush off as him being a typical man amd not really understanding womens health. But today this has made me so so angry I basically told him that hes made me feel like a right horrible cow now forgetting to do that for him and him bringing it up when it was too late. I also offered to do it now but he said its too late now and we will have it another day. I know this also gets said a lot of mumsnet but he is genuinely a good and nice man in every other aspect its just this 1 area that is now starting to grate on me so much that I'm actually irrationally questioning my whole 12 and a half year relationship which obviously once I've had a chance to calm down I will realise I was just too angry but at the moment I'm not speaking to him because I'm that angry its also my time of the month at the moment so I'm guessing thats heightening my emotions.

OP you need better coping strategies - note pad in the kitchen for daily reminders etc. You made a comment “what if I forget to write a note?” - come on now. That’s a bit much. It’s perimenopause not dementia. I’m going through it myself so I do know what you mean. It’s hard but write the note straight away. Don’t wait so you forget.

What is taking the p* is him not simply whacking a gammon in the oven. It isn’t difficult so he needs to be less pathetic on that front. I get you like cooking, but he clearly forgot too. Him working 5 days doesn’t mean he’s so exhausted he can’t stick a gammon in an oven which would be all of 5 minutes. Most people on here will work full time and still feed themselves. Perhaps one of your coping mechanisms is him having to fend for himself a little more?

He sounds like he’s being incredibly supportive of you generally and you have a lovely DH. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour of being needy and your perimenopause also isn’t a hard pass everytime you forget to do something either. Own the fact you forgot.

Put ham on your shopping list

You can’t moan at him and say things like “you’re a grown adult you shouldn’t need reminding” and then claim it’s different for you.

if you would have said that comment to him like he said then YABU. When my DH asks me to remind him to do something, my usual response is ‘ok. Can you remind me to remind you’ 😂

… nobody forgets things on purpose. That’s why they’re forgotten and not just ignored.

Tell him to cook his own gammon for his own gammon sandwiches…. 😂😂😂 can’t believe this is a post!
You don’t actually know if you are peri menopausal! Go get tested you’ll be embarrassed if it isn’t…. !
Also leave some handy books out for your man to read up on because I ca imagine he’ll need it when you are in the thick of it. Good luck!

@Anon543210 I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and the other losses you have experienced - you have had a very tough year. I lost my 20 year old a year ago, very unexpected, my memory and cognitive abilities are just appalling now and I'm already on HRT so doing as much as I can there already.

Grief can take its toll in lots of ways, for a long time, even on the days which feel semi-normal. No guarantee I will remember something tomorrow that I'm told today, in fact most likely I won't remember. I think I've said a certain word, but am told I've said something else. These days I use list apps, plus schedule emails to send to myself as I would forget to do so much otherwise (and still forget things). I also find myself on high alert, I think it's just a trauma response but even a sudden noise or someone dropping something on the sofa cushion when I'm sitting there can leave my nerves feeling frazzled for ages afterwards. It took me 6 months to be able to drive without feeling very stressed.

I'm sorry he's not taking your perimenopause seriously, may be he is affected by his own grief and also has less patience? You said that you've supported each other, is that something he would talk about? Just throwing it out there with Mothers Day coming up there are lots of reminders about at the moment.

Take care of you and be kind to yourself x

I don't have dementia, but I'm autistic and have DID. I forget what I'm writing as I'm writing it. I find your reply quite ableist.

There is no mention of the OP being autistic or anything other than perimenopausal, which isn’t a disability, so the two aren’t remotely similar or comparable I don’t think.

OP, your husband can and should do better. Mine found me a female private doctor to chat through my peri symptoms, and I had my blood drawn during the consult. They'll get a full hormone panel so we can see if there is anything else going on. Tell him to put his hand in his pocket and help you. It cost £180 for the testing and consult. You don't need to suffer. Perhaps then you might be less foggy and might want to do a nice thing for him, ie cook his ham for the football. But not when you feel like this. Hang on in there.

Hi
(South west UK based here)
I went to the doctor and they said they don't really test for peri menopause (I'm mid-late 30s) so may be different at a later date. However they said if happy I could try different contraceptive things e.g the pill to see if it manages symptoms. In addition to that I needed blood tests as I am awaiting a bone density scan and the blood test said I had low thyroid hormone. So it could be worth you talking to GP about perimenopause but also blood test for thyroid hormone level (and or anything else that could have similar symptoms). Hope that helps. Also I think it would be worth sitting down with your partner and both just taking accountability, let him know how you feel and vice versa, sounds like there might be apologies owed on both sides too. Sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise and talking about these things is so important. X

This.

Also sorry to read about the awful grief you are both going through. It sounds like you both have a lot going on potentially physically and mentally and you are both exhausted. Even if you do nothing else it might be worth you contacting something like talkworks who help you identify your stress levels, triggers and how to manage them etc. X

Perimenomause brain fog is literally the reason I have to put everything into my calendar, set alarms for tasks, and write down lists of everything we need. Because if I don't I will forget. I would say I have a memory like a goldfish, but research has shown their recall is appreciably longer than my own.

If I could remember what the question was I'd give you my opinion, ha.

Diagnosed or not, you said you'd forget and as you said it's not your waking thought. He should of reminded you if he remembered. I'm fifty, constantly forgetting things, and getting words in a muddle. I said to my mum I'm glad it's a symptom of menopause as thought maybe I had dementia.

Yes there is.

Op said she has been unable to work for 8 years due to her physical health and mental health and still has issues from then but in a much better place and is now trying to return to work.

He didn’t remind you, although perhaps might have been better if you had said, I’d rather not agree as I’ll likely forget. I’d never agree to something like that…

If you have got flashes why not get HRT from the GP? So I think you are being a bit unreasonable not to get help..

It was you saying "it's perimenopause, not dementia" which I found ableist. As if dementia is the only reason someone's memory could be that bad.

For me, forgetting things was the first sign that something was wrong but it didn't dawn on me for a while - why would it, I didn't know about peri. I made 3 appointments at the hairdressers - the first one I missed so I made another one, then I forgot that one and had to make another but I wasn't feeling or functioning any different. A few years before that the same hairdresser had been telling me all about her struggles with peri but because I was younger I didn't have a clue why peri would cause things like she described. I came out thinking she'd lost the plot, but again it wasn't something I'd heard of before.

Since then all sorts of horrid things have happened - peri is the worst thing I've ever experienced and I've had no control over any of it.

I tracked my periods for years, they were always regular & lasted 4 days until I started to miss some months here and there, still I didn't realise.

Years later I learned to laugh at the stupid things I did - like not being able to get out of the bath, going in a shop for 4 items and coming out with 3, going back in and coming back out cos I'd forgotten what i'd gone in for. The list is endless - it's upsetting and soul destroying. Everyone around me had to adjust, it was horrible but I couldn't help it, neither can you.

Pen & paper, phone are my 3 best friends. As soon as I think about something I write it down otherwise I forget, everytime someone says anything that involves me I write it down.

Sorry you feel that way. It wasn’t intended that way, but it isn’t comparable to a disability as she hasn’t got one, to my knowledge anyway.

But still, comparing it to dementia is wrong, I'm not actually comparing it to a disability. You were comparing it to dementia. She has a terrible memory. I've had family members say similar things about my memory, and it's trivialising and really saying that you don't believe the person saying that their memory is that bad.

I believe her memory is bad, but there are coping mechanisms. You are not the OP. Stop making this about you.

I was making it about ableism actually. Your exact words: "It's perimenopause, not dementia." And? Yes, people's memories can be that shit without dementia. HTH.

I know. I am speechless that so many people are making this about perimenopause (when we don’t even know it’s perimenopause) when its really about an entitled arse of a man whose penis prevents him from putting a ham in the oven.

Menopause is not automatically the source of all women’s problems all the time and all the hysteria about it is honestly damaging some people’s critical thinking skills.

Well said…. This is exactly it. Her man sounds a drip!