I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

[Anon543210]

I'm a 41 year old (f) and been having lots of peri symptoms for the past year now including brain fog, irritability, hot flashes among a few other symptoms. I haven't been to the doctors because a lot of the symptoms I can manage without medication.
Now here's whats making me really angry and I want to know who is BU I'm prepared to be told I am.
So yesterday my partner asked me if I could put this little gammon ham in the oven for him in the morning when I got up so he could have gammon sandwiches when the football started at 3pm, so I said to him last nignt before we got in bed please remind me when I get up in the morning and he said he would all fine....or so I thought.
Anyway I get up this morning and obviously I'm not thinking of gammon ham as soon as a open my eyes, I get up and start getting on with my morning have a cup of tea, take the dog out for a walk etc. It gets to 3pm and he pipes up "what happened to my gammon ham?"
I said "you never reminded me and obviously I forgot" he said "you're a grown adult you shouldn't need reminding, at least that's what you say to me sometimes" I said "thats different I'm going through peri and suffer with brain fog, you know this" he raised his voice slightly and said "you haven't even been diagnosed by a doctor, its just you coming up with excuses" I said to him "I don't need to be diagnosed it goes off symptoms and do you really think I want to be this way?" He gets so stubborn when it comes to anything to do with womens health which i just usually brush off as him being a typical man amd not really understanding womens health. But today this has made me so so angry I basically told him that hes made me feel like a right horrible cow now forgetting to do that for him and him bringing it up when it was too late. I also offered to do it now but he said its too late now and we will have it another day. I know this also gets said a lot of mumsnet but he is genuinely a good and nice man in every other aspect its just this 1 area that is now starting to grate on me so much that I'm actually irrationally questioning my whole 12 and a half year relationship which obviously once I've had a chance to calm down I will realise I was just too angry but at the moment I'm not speaking to him because I'm that angry its also my time of the month at the moment so I'm guessing thats heightening my emotions.

(Every time you said gammon ham I could only think of Cathy from two doors down saying it in Spanish.)

you asked him to remind you in case you forgot to put it in,
he forgot to remind you

you have perimenopause making you forgetful, what’s his excuse?

Absolutely this, all this very certain talk about putting the reminders in the phone. Half the time I dont know where it is, might be left in the car or in the fridge.

No advice as such but I feel your pain. I'm also going through peri, but am awaiting a formal diagnosis for ADHD and dyslexia. The three of them don't interact well and I forget allsorts. My husband thinks because I don't have a piece of paper saying I have these things then I shouldn't use them as excuses!

So not only are you to cook the ham, you are also supposed to remember when it’s to go in when presumably he forgot to remind you!
If you jump straight to ‘perimenopause brain fog’ you absolve him of any responsibility for cooking his own damn food or at the very least remembering to remind you!
I get that you like cooking for him, that it’s your love language. And that’s fine, if the person on the receiving end is actually grateful and can show you some damn respect. What acts of service does he do for you?
Loads of people don’t get ‘diagnosed’ with perimenopause by the way. It’s not an illness, it’s a life phase and he doesn’t get to decide that it doesn’t matter just because you haven’t seen a doctor. He should trust your judgement. If you say you are experiencing these symptoms then that should be good enough for him. I’d be inclined to invalidate him the next time he is ill and doesn’t see a doctor eg ‘I don’t care if you have a heavy cold and are feeling miserable, a doctor didn’t diagnose you so you’re just using it as an excuse’. Fucking ridiculous.

Haha this! It was ok for him to forget but not you. Cheeky knob.

Iv always had poor memory and menopause made it worse.

Well firstly he should have stuck his own ham in airfyer or cooked it the night before.

Secondly I use alexa reminders a lot as don't he kids (they have adhd) life saver at times

I get that you like cooking for him, that it’s your love language. And that’s fine, if the person on the receiving end is actually grateful and can show you some damn respect. What acts of service does he do for you?

To be fair he works hard everyday which i know most will say is the bare minimum but he looks after me when I'm having physical illnesses or if I'm even just a bit under the weather. He takes me out in date nights regularly which again i know some will say bare minimum but he does do lots actually for me thats too long to list here. Also he is always greatful for every meal I've cooked him and regularly tells me how greatful he is and how much he appreciates it.

Upbringing; nearly always that.
Born and bred to be waited on by a mum, grandma, aunt, sister; finally a partner. I've been married x 2 and will undoubtedly be older than you-there wasn't one exH who could support me either emotionally and/or financially when needed. So much happier now I'm living alone.

OP unfortunately all you're going to get is people getting distracted by why you were cooking the ham. People seem unable to consider that some of us like and prefer to be the cook in the house and love cooking for others

Yes but the point is- HE was the one wanging on about the gammon so surely it was HIS responsibility to remind the OP or do it himself. It's nothing to do with the fact that OP likes cooking at all. If he is going to throw a tantrum about a fucking gammon joint then HE needs to set an alarm to remind either himself or the OP so yes, it is relevant. He's a twat.

Why the f couldnt he put his own damn ham in ..you know what helps pri menopause? Not living with selfish shit stains

Wow did not expect this post to start trending. I just want to say thabk you to the helpful replies I know i didnt make him sound in the best light but this post is only a little snippet into our life together usually its not this tense but my ever changing hormones and him getting older (he's 46 now so entering grumpy old man territory) I think things have just built to bigger than what they are.
I am going to ring the doctors in the morning and see about what they say and hopefully get an appointment because I can't go on this way.
Also to the posters that said I didn't come off very well either as rightly u put it he said I say the same to him sometimes I'm going to try and work on that coz I know I can be a bit snarky at times and it just makes me look childish and petty which is not a good look for a 41 year old grown woman so thank you all you've given me food for thought (no pun intended) and I really do appreciate all of your advice. This will probably be my last post now unless anyone is invested in how I get on at the doctors I don't think I'll have any more updates.

I'm am shocked at the amount of people who are just ignoring the actual point of the thread and instead worrying about the fact OP was asked to put the gammon in. Like she is in some way being abused! So she does all the cooking, so what? She doesn't seem to care? If I didn't work and my OH did, I'd do all the cooking too. And all the other housework to be fair. If gladly do that instead of working 40hrs a week.
I think OP's husband was out of order for moaning. But definitely doesn't require the lynching that the masses on mums net think he does!?
Have none of you ever had a argument over nothing. By which I don't mean that going through peri is nothing. I just mean an argument out of the blue? One where maybe the emotions weren't stemming from the immediate situation?
More to the point, I'm sure none of the people on here saying things like "make him put his own damn gammon in" have never asked their partner to do something for them that they could have done themselves?
Or god forbid, moaned about something being forgotten. I have a terrible memory and always have. Me and my wife have been together the best part of 2 decades and still moans when I forget something even though she's had 20 years to get used to it.
Are we all supposed to be floating around holding hands and gazing longingly into each others eyes all the time? Sometimes, people get angry when they shouldn't, forget important things, accidentally taken things for granted and many other things. Doesn't mean they're bad people.
I just feel that a lot of people have a strange idea of what a relationship is. It shouldn't be hard. But it certainly takes work, patience understanding. Not just jack it all in because my OH was a dickhead yesterday.

Go to the doctor to get HRT and get him to watch the Davina McCall shows on menopause. Then he’ll understand

But this WAS a put in the oven situation?

I don’t think it’s just a typical man thing to dismiss woman’s health, that’s misogynistic. I have 2 conditions that only affect woman and my partner try’s his best to understand

Yanbu op. Perimenopausal me would've walloped him ;)

I cant recommend strongly enough that you start HRT as soon as you can if you are able. The earlier you start as soon as you notice symptoms, the less painful things will be, you will slow down cognitive decline that comes with lack of estrogen for the brain amongst many other long term health benefits.

It bloody well is the point! Why can't he cook it himself?

OP I understand the strain that perimenopause can put put on you but it really enrages me that people use it to gloss over poor male behaviour!

It's irrelevant whether you forgot to cook his gammon because of perimenopause or whether you just forgot. And it doesn't matter. It's not your job to cook it for him. If he wanted it that much he should have set a reminder on his phone and done it himself, rather than asking you to do it.

Can we all stop using the menopause to justify entitled and selfish behaviour from men.

Has he lost the use of his arms?

😆

Just go to the GP get on HRT if you can easy to spread a pump or two of eastrogen gel on your legs in the morning and take a progesterone pill of a night before sleep as they can make you feel a bit sleepy .. this protects the womb lining while you still have periods... honestly its been a game changer for me much more calm and clear headed you sleep better no hot flashes or sweats protects against heart disease and osteoarthritis and it helps to keep your skin plump just get on it... your partner can't argue with you once you've been to the GP and you will feel so much better in yourself.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a bit hypocritical to be arguing that your presumed perimenopause symptoms are this strong, but also that you don't need to see a doctor. You're quite young to be having them so I think you should check that's what's going on.
OTOH if it's so important for him, he should have cooked the gammon even if you are usually the cook of the house.

I’d be a bit annoyed if you
keep going on about it, but did nothing to help yourself. People harping on about the menopause/ peri menopause gets very tiresome.

We all need educating on this. There's some good articles written by men which talk about how men should do better (maybe google and send some to him?) but honestly I should have read them. I was nowhere near supportive enough to my mum and aunty when I was a teen, and the fact that is wasn't all over the news as it is now isn't an excuse. As a stop-gap, use your phone to set alerts, but the bigger picture is that until recently, no one talked about "the change" and we should.

Is there normally give and take between you when either of you are off colour? If not, it's a bigger problem. If there is, has he had to accommodate you quite a lot more recently because you are peri? Playing devil's advocate, it can get tiring being the more accommodating one longer term and a bit of rattiness is to be expected. I hope, at the very least, he will explain that and ideally apologise, fairly soon. If he continually makes you feel bad for something long(ish) term you can't control he is being an arsehole. As you say, you're more reactive at the moment as well. Give each other a bit of space until you've both calmed down and then arrange to have a chat about it where you both aim to be empathetic.