To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Could not agree more👏

Are you still in touch with the "original lady" who introduced Susan to the group then buggered off? I feel like she should take some responsibility for bringing Susan into your lives!

Start a new group without Susan in, then get original lady to tell Susan she's a pain in the arse and no longer invited to hikes 😂

Stat a new group without her (assuming you are confident that the others feel the same)

Remove and block her from all social media.

Done.

It sounds to me like she could be autistic

Don’t just start a new chat that is childish. Either decide to enable further or say something. Ghosting won’t cure this and makes you the bad guys. I agree with saying something and hope it goes well.

Please do this!!

Precisely why I'd never join or form a hobby group. I'm a hiker too but go with dh or one or two close friends who enjoy it too. These groups inevitably have one (or two) people who are unbearable to me. I resent spending effort or free time on them. Am I a miserable bitch? Maybe, but it is what it is.

You're pretty stuck with her until someone gives it to her straight or she eventually takes repeated hints. Either way, she'll be hurt. I don't dig hurting or ganging up on people so I'd find this whole scenario excruciating.

Just create a new group

With the help of AI, how about sending something along these lines….

‘I wanted to message you about something that’s been on the group’s mind for a while. Unfortunately we’ve decided it would be best if you didn’t join the group for future plans and outings.

A big part of this decision comes down to how things have been working within the group. We try to keep things balanced and respectful for everyone, whether that’s basic manners when we’re together or sharing the effort involved in getting places. In particular, people have felt frustrated that you’ve never offered to drive or contribute toward fuel when others are regularly doing so, nor thanked those who have generously given you lifts. You also haven’t returned X’s swimwear which you borrowed months ago, despite repeatedly being asked.

We’re not bringing this up to argue or create tension, but simply to be clear about why the group has come to this decision. At this point, we think it’s best to move forward separately when it comes to group activities.’

Add me to the group chat and il post it 🤣

She might just be an annoying grifter. Plenty of autistic people are successful in hobby groups.

Stop giving her lifts and phase her out. “Sorry, can’t pick you up.” “Sorry, can’t help you and your dodgy leg” Just don’t engage or respond.

I have friends who have a similar hiking group. They have a Barbara. No one likes Barbara. No one wants their dc around Barbara’s (they’re awful too). Barbara’s husband is nuts, argumentative, has made threats against everyone in the group at some point. Barbara regularly gets in shouting fights with one member or another. They all complain about her constantly and literally run and hide if they see her out.

But no one will just be like, Barbara, stop being such a cow! They bitch about her constantly. But then there they were on Facebook last week posting photos from the spa day they all treated Barbara to for her birthday. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Start another group. Don't post passive aggressive rules. She's thick skinned she won't bite.
Let the person who's stuff she borrowed worry about that. Don't take on other adults troubles.

Yikes how frustrating! They sound fifty faced.

Doesn’t sound at all like she’s autistic to me. Everyone I know who is autistic or has ADHD (diagnosed or suspected) is desperately worried that they are breaching a social rule that they haven’t perceived all the time, and so over compensate and over-give.

Because of a life time of experience of falling into social bear traps.

Yes, that's my experience, too. They often feel anxious about missing social cues and are careful about behaviour.

Especially women with autism or ADHD.

@FierceForester90 would the original lady come if this cf didn't anymore?
If cf says anything ie asks for lifts just tell her you can't help her anymore, and then start a new chat group, with original lady in and arrange the walks etc through there.

Yes, I agree. I have a friend who is so anxious about doing the wrong thing I have to keep telling her not to apologise! She'd never behave like this ghastly person.

This. You owe her nothing. This is a very easily solved problem!

It sounds to me she’s a CF, rather than autistic.

If everybody feels the same remove her from the group chat, block her and order new swimming costumes.

Life is too short to put up with unnecessary crap like this.

I agree - on all points!
No tip toeing or creating rules or being passive aggressive. Just be direct.

You can bet if they create rules, she’ll decide they obviously don’t apply to her!

Don't do that, it's incredibly hurtful. How would you like that done to you?
Just be honest with her and tell her what is annoying you.. She probably won't take it well but better than this childish nonsense.

This makes me wonder how bad Barbara is, or if there's some bullying going on. Why treat an awful person to a spa day? She can't be that bad.