To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Oh here we go. It sounds to me as if she is rude.

Maybe the best thing to do is to decide with the other ladies what you want to happen. Hopefully you can discuss this in person tomorrow, and find out whether the others would prefer to continue the group without her. Maybe you'll all feel relieved that she isn't there and it'll be obvious how she affects the mood.

If the group feel the same then remove her from the group. Otherwise you can have your own rules E.g. never giving her a lift (probably a good idea, can you imagine if she was hurt in your car?)

She isn't taking hints and she isn't responding to normal requests (sharing driving/contributing to petrol money/returning borrowed items). If you give an ultimatum and she starts paying or driving, she may do it in a moody way that again affects the group. She isn't going to change. Even if her actions change temporarily, her attitude won't.

Either way, she should be given the message that the swimming items must be returned.

So just make a new group and add the old friend and ask her not to add the boorish Susan.

I wonder whether her original friend who introduced S to your group knew what she was like and hoped you’d take S on as a group and take the pressure off her? Hence stepping back from the group?

Remove her from the group and tell her to do one. She's an arsehole.

But even if they do this, and she actually does agree to pay (which from her previous is highly unlikely) it's not fixing the main problem. She'll still be an annoying PITA whom none of them actually like or want at their meet ups, just a PITA begrudgingly paying petrol costs.

Most adults have limited free time - we spend enough time tolerating annoying randoms in work and daily life. OP shouldn't have to do it when she's out with her friends, particularly when Susan ISN'T ONE OF HER FRIENDS! It would be different if they'd all been mates for ages, but Susan was brought in by a third party who isn't even part of the group herself anymore.

Who cares if it's "childish"? Perhaps we should take a few hints from kids, at least they say it how it is rather than pussyfooting around being scared to offend someone who doesn't care about them?

Waiting for the ND excuses.
The only difference if she is autistic is that you will need to be direct in that she needs to pay her way and be reciprocative

But that's what everyone else said anyway.

You are enabling her. Each time she demands something all of you are to say no. If she wants to join in she can drive herself. She’s ill at the moment she can’t go enjoy the time without her.

if this doesn’t work set up a new group without her or just all tell her she is no longer welcome. I don’t understand how she’s ended up part of the group if she was just brought along once.

We had one of these in my lesbian hiking group

We blocked her on meetup and on the group chats

We had one in our straight women hiking group too.

Following with interest

We have a similar problem with our friendship circle. One girl is awkward/accusing and just makes things generally difficult for the rest of us. She will delete herself off the wattsapp groups, ask to be put back on, it’s attention seeking, but she does have mental health problems, so we have been patient with her. It’s a difficult situation, but we treat her kindly, but don’t include her on outings anymore, so she just hangs out in the edge which can cope with. I did sit her down and explain to her the problems we have with her as she asked me directly.

Start a new group without her in it.

Also everyone needs to start saying no to her rather than being dictated to. For example, why hasn’t the person whose kit has never been returned been sending her constant reminders about it?

We had this situation and had to start a new group. Where are you based and what are your fav hikes? I’m London so the rail to ramble options work well for non drivers.

Announce new group rules

1. Everyone to take turns in driving
2. If for some reason you can't drive pay £X per mile/trip, if you haven't driven for some time then it's time you made up for it
3. Request a lift, do not just assume, a please is required
4. All equipment or clothing borrowed must be returned within 7 days or paid for, please state below any outstanding equipment.
5. If you aren't fit enough to get yourself there and back please sit this walk out as none of us want to put out back out.
6. Please and thank yous are always appreciated and foster good will.
7. Offenders should know who they are....

Outstanding equipment - Trudie's swimsuit borrowed by Rude Rudith in 2023 now overdue so amount owed £45
Angela borrowed June's gloves - returned with thanks freshly washed Feb 26

I mean who wants an old swimsuit back.

Well who wants to put up with someone like that in your group, either piss her off enough for her to leave or make a new group and leave the old group then leave just the rude woman and her old friend. Then block, make sure you all block her quickly.

I’d post ‘If you need help getting up and down steps/crags whatever that’s too risky, you should sit this one out and recover. No one wants to discover if we can carry someone out this weekend or spend hours sitting on a mountain waiting for a helicopter.’

Has anyone checked on the original person that introduced this cf to the group and thought why did she leave?

Has anyone asked ‘Susan’s’ friend why she dropped out of the group? Perhaps it was her way of palming her off to others, then she gracefully bowed out of the responsibility of Susan. Even if she didn’t do this, it might be helpful to get her insight as to how to deal with Susan- presumably she knows her well and would be able to tell you if Susan is just an arse who needs to be dealt with firmly or whether gentler handling might be better.

Cross posted! That’s exactly what I’ve just asked!

I have said you’re being unreasonable because it’s so obvious that this woman does not know social etiquette and she might just be a CF but also she might be neurodivergent - does anyone know if she is? Whatever the case, give her the opportunity to know how her behaviour makes other people feel and give her a chance to make amends and change.

Good idea. Recover the kit then ditch the cow 🤣

Set up a new WhatsApp group without her.

In my experience, there is ALWAYS one total PITA in any group who spoils it for everyone else. It makes me sad that this CF is detracting from the enjoyment the rest of you should be having from your shared pastime. I’m in my mid 50s and as I get older, the less tolerant I am to CF behaviour and the less I care about calling it out.

Firstly, if you all ignore her tonight and tomorrow, then the rest of you can go on your outing as planned. That is your opportunity to discuss and agree a united front. Assuming you all want to ditch the CF, then just agree that you will start up a new WhatsApp group (give it a distinctly different name to avoid confusion!) and then mute or archive the old group. (Some of the older ladies might need help with that.) And then simply ignore the CF for the next few weeks and then delete the old group entirely.

You should also all block her number on your phones so that she can’t message individuals. The person who lost her swimming stuff may have to cut her losses - frankly I wouldn’t tolerate someone not returning my belongings and that has been allowed to drag on too long.

Do you all live in the same town and are you likely to bump into her around town?

Honestly, she sounds like the kind of cow that has sold your friend’s gear and is just skating on their inability to speak up. Time to start. Let her know that the time for being polite has ended and she needs to reimburse the friend for the full amount spent on the swimming gear as she had never used it.

Vote with your feet. New Whatsapp Group.

Jobs a goodun.