To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

100% agree they are a) cringey and b) won't work
People like that will never realise the rules are targeted at them!
If she hasn't given people's kit back she's not going to send money for petrol, is she? She'll just keep ignoring any messages asking her to.

Plus the rules issue doesn't solve the basic problem that none of the group actually like her because of her terrible personality! 45p a mile isn't enough compensation for ruining time with friends everyone otherwise enjoys.

I have posted in the group chat and suggested she doesn't come tomorrow, its due to be wet and so I have said I'm concerned the conditions may not be great and that by trying to lift / help her we may do her further harm. Another person has since posted and said something similar.

How utterly feeble!!!

'Oh Mary we'd love you to come but we're so terribly afraid we'd hurt you.'

Now she thinks she's a valued member of the group who you all treat as a fragile petal.

Bah humbug. Don't just start a new group. Tell her what she's done and that she's no longer a part of the group. Or if you're feeling very generous, tell her what she's done and tell her she has one chance to change her attitude and if she doesn't she's out of the group. And mean it.

Susan is a taker.

That sounds a bit cruel. I’d be scared of pushing someone over the edge.

Sounds like she’s autistic TBH. She probably doesn’t realise how you view her behaviour.

Remove her from the group chat then she won't know what your plans are.

This start a different group if you are on the same page

6 of you are scared of one person? How old are yourll?

Hike without her and discuss then.
Agree a plan that presumably includes those who lent things asking directly for them back, and a plan about the lifts. If direct asks like "your turn to drive if you're joining!" don't work (and similar), then it becomes reasonable to just start another group.
Probably she'll be put off if asked to actually contribute and be appreciative etc.

Definitely unfortunate if she's now (after "we fear further harm.." ) got the impression that you're all caring for her like a fragile less independent little flower, that feeds the dynamic where she's special.

Me too 😂 there’s always one

I was going to say similar. Except for not paying her way, but I'm wondering if anyone has asked. I can be too blunt, but thankfully have had people tell me, rather than drop me. A million allowances are asked to be made for neurodiverse children, but this site seems to ignore that they'll grow into adults. I'd speak to her, there doesn't need to be a confrontation, tell her how she's getting it wrong and then if there's no attempt at change, then drop her.

Bloody hell.

You think that replying "What's the magic word Susan? 😁I can but you'll need to transfer me a tenner for petrol tonight, my bank details are x" is "confrontational". So instead you're all going to ghost her, like a bunch of 10 year old bullies? Nice...

@FierceForester90

You said in your OP that “it feels mean” to do something about this barnacle of a person.

Could you please list the times when she cared about anybody in the group’s feelings?

Or the times she’s offered a please or a thank you or ANYTHING IN THE WAY OF GOOD MANNERS OR COMMON COURTESY?

@FierceForester90 it sounds like the original woman was trying to get rid of her and off loaded her on your group! Just block her and start a new group. Who needs the drama.

Bloody hell OP…an entire group of women are being taken for a ride by one cheeky fucker, and not one of you can muster up a ‘sod off Jean, you’re taking the piss’??

Add me to the WhatsApp group, I have no qualms about confrontation!

Why are you all pandering to her?! You're as much as fault for not saying no and allowing her to get away with it!

Can you not start a separate group and leave her out?

This, you don't owe her any loyalty.

Just start a new chat without her ... no one respond to old chat she'll get the message don't let rude people wade in and take over what was once a nice group of friends.

Unless she lives at the other end of the country if you block her or start a new group surely she will watsapp people asking when the next hike is or watsapp asking why no one’s posting or even call round on people.

If you don’t want her there you are going to have to tell her she doesn’t fit.
I guess she is ND -hence not picking the negative vibes around her behaviour. Sad but you’ll have to dump her like the other group member did.
But discuss it with the other members -who are so soft they’ll probably continue to put up with her, or leave to hike elsewhere.

She sounds like a CF, but this “hoping she’d take the hint stuff” is ridiculous to me -how long are you all willing to be annoyed by her behaviour without ever saying something? Life’s too short. Just tell her her behaviour is exhausting and entitled and you’ve all been enabling it too long. Otherwise I just think you all like having someone to moan about.

What did she do on the weekend away ? I’m just being nosy at this point. I’d struggle to confront too tbh. I need to grow a pair

I agree. She'll ignore the rules and won't pay the mileage. This isn't about confrontation, it's about being assertive.
You're going to have to ask her to leave the group.

But, this is just childish, isn't it. Isn't it better to say, It's a bit much being your driver etc all the time. Could you please do your share to reciprocate and contribute so it's equal?