To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

If you’re at the point of having to tell another adult how to behave reasonably it’s game over surely? Agree with op the “rules” are cringe.

Just start a new group “wet weather walks” or something for the group minus her and the introducer. Say Susan doesn’t like wet weather walks so easier to use this group.

45p is what HMRS currently deems to be what it costs to drive your car for business expenses ( Unless it has gone up recently). It includes the cost of depreciation, petrol, wear and tear etc. So not an unreasonable starting point for asking for petrol money!

Kind of reminds me of this scene.

Deff just make a separate group!

Honestly I’d either delete her from the group (no loss is there) or start a 2nd group which makes the 1st group dead.

Op, how can you go from not saying anything to thinking of messaging her everything? If you are going to do that - do it in the group if everyone is in agreement & then remove her.

The easiest option if everyone else is in agreement is to just start a new chat & all block her. Simple.

You either ghost her or tell her & fall out with her. Either way, don’t feel bad, she has created this with her rudeness.

I think you all need to toughen up a bit. None of you seem to like her so it doesn’t sound like you’ve got much to lose. And what I mean by that is, you could have a friend you love to bits and get on with really well, but the have one annoying habit (say, expecting lifts but not offering or giving fuel money) but you find it awkward calling it out or stopping giving them lifts as you don’t want to upset them. But with this woman, who none of you like anyway, I wouldn’t worry about it.

”Susan I need my swim stuff back, bring it with you today, otherwise I’ll pop round to your house tonight for it.”

”Of course I’ll take a photo of you Susan, here’s my phone, will you just get a quick one of me first?” or “no problem I’ll take a photo of you, now get one of me please.”

”No Susan, don’t be ridiculous, of course I’m not going to give you a lift to a hike im not even going on, and sit in the car waiting for you.”

”Sorry Susan you can’t tag along with me this time in the car.”

”No Susan I can’t give you a lift this time, I was going to ask actually if you can give me a lift, I’ll jump in with you for once.”

And repeat.

Or. Just make new group without her.

I'd also just go with making a second group and letting the current one die.

Exactly. If someone borrowed my stuff and didn’t return it I would say ‘Sue - will need those boots back before next week’. Then if no response I would chase… ‘Sue I was good enough to let you borrow that waterproof jacket, last summer, could you return it as I need it asap’.

Why are people so shit scared of her?

Why hasn’t someone said ‘Sue, it’s your turn to drive so can you pick up Brenda, then Mary, then Gail before the walk?

Fucking speak!!!

I was injured so just didn’t go to my hiking group, it’s bloody awful to expect someone to assist like that and slows the group. I am very close to one woman in the group and her and I met up for much shorter walks along flatter terrain for months while I recovered. When I occasionally had a lift I always bought the driver lunch and insisted.

She is the problem but the problem continues because none of you pointed it out.

"Susan, I'll be in your area on Tuesday night. I'll drop by around 7 to pick up Maureen's swimwear and Rachel's walking poles. Or would Thursday be better?"

Make the arrangements, don't let her control the situation anymore.

Next time she asks for a lift, "Susan, you've benefitted a lot from others giving you lifts, and I think it's about time you reciprocated."

Unless you force the issue she's going to keep on taking the piss.

Why are people so shit scared of her?

They're not. They're shit scared of being perceived as 'mean' or 'unkind' or just 'not very nice' or beijg disliked themselves by someone they don't like anyway.

Now they have no real option but to set up a new group without her or collectively tell her what they think of her.

Once again proving that 'people pleasing' is not a virtue!

same!! Why inflict Susan on anyone else?! And then to back out herself? She knew what she was doing hey 👀

Great time to start a no Susan group

It sounds like everyone could do with a refresher on not being a pushover.

Maybe buy Victoria Smith's book (Un)Kind for all the other members of the group for Easter. It's out in paperback now. 😉

Agreed. My boss does this, instead of speaking to the employee involved directly she puts a passive aggressive generic message on teams. It does not work, the offender is oblivious. Makes the rest of us mad!
You have two options, speak to her and let her know she's a CF and see if she improves. Or option 2, start a new group and go without her.

She isn’t going to take any hints though as she is a cf who has been allowed to behave this way.

When she mentions being picked up, that person has to say “no sorry, that doesn’t work for me. Hopefully we’ll see you another time”. Whoever the kit belongs to they need to ask for it back, say the need it for themselves / cousin / sister etc (not that you should need an excuse to ask for your own things back).

I know it can be awkward, but she isn’t bothered about it making any of you feel awkward is she?!
Maybe she is blindly unaware of how annoying she is, maybe she doesn’t care. But either way it’s affecting something you all love doing so you have to say something or just accept that’s the way she is.

Totally agree....you shouldn't have to spell it out 🙄😬

YABU not to remove her from the group.

Op definitely start a new group but ask the friend who introduced her to you why she no longer does anything with you. She might hate her so has left due her so called friend. Go out without her tomorrow then talk to the other ladies decide what to do together. The last option is to say your welcome to keep hiking but as you don’t offer lifts and expect them to do the transport she is now on her own as the group is fed up with the lack of sharing and life is too short if your in the group you do what everyone else does or start you own group. She is taking the piss out of all of you.

A few years ago I would have agreed you 'have to tell her' but now think fuck it. Why? Is she really going to see the error of her ways and apologise and magically become a lovely person after a lifetime of being a twat? You don't owe her anything. You aren't her friends, none of you invited her into the group and the person who did clearly doesn't have any issues with ghosting her!

Just make a new group, saying something like 'Time to address the elephant in the room. I think we are all struggling a bit with Susan's behaviour. Anyone want to meet up xyz?" (either a hike or a coffee to discuss).

Friendships trail off/groups peter out all the time. Just stop posting in the original group. If she can't drive she's unlikely to suggest anything herself, and if she does post 'are there any plans' just do a non-committal 'Ah I'm so busy at the moment but we really should plan something for the summer....' Who cares if her feelings end up being hurt? She clearly doesn't care about any of your feelings and she only has herself to blame, and 'confronting her' would hurt her feelings as well.

Life's too short to spend it with people you don't like.

Make a second group chat without her and ignore all her comments if you don’t want any drama. She will vilify whoever has the guts to call out her nonsense. Same thing happened to me.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago on a group chat I’d created. I was asked to add a woman onto the group by an existing member. Everyone was complaining about her without saying anything to her face for appx a year afterwards.

I’d had enough of her poor behaviour and eventually called her out on it (politely but firmly) in the group chat - in response to yet another passive aggressive message she’d added (about not being invited to an event when she never organised anything and rarely attended/responded to events she was invited to).

One other person in the group chat backed me up. No-one else said a thing. I think everyone was quite shocked because there’s others in the group who are more confrontational than me but I’d just had enough of the pettiness of it all. She took zero responsibility for her actions and I removed her from the group.

Most of the people in the group no longer speak with her in person but the two that do say she’s never changed. I don’t regret it but don’t expect the others to back you up even if they agree with you. She’s highly unlikely to change her behaviour if you do point it out.

Your problem is you aren't actually hinting you are just saying nothing so no she's not getting it.
You need to be much more blunt and say 'Susan I think it's your turn to drive this time, you've had lots of lifts haven't you'
Or reply 'sorry Susan, can't give you a lift as I'm still waiting for you to return that equipment you borrowed from me.'
Stop expecting her to read your minds, you need to actually tell her this stuff is pissing you off instead of pussy footing around and half hoping she'll pick up on silly hints.

Back in the early 1980s it was 10p per mile; I think that both fuel and cars were somewhat cheaper back then.

When she asks for a lift can someone not then say 'oh Susan, we drove last time, would you be able to take Claire and Michelle. It's the trip to X so easy roads this time'. Or if she is still persistent that she can't drive 'ok Susan that's fine but I need a contribution to the petrol money as everyone else takes turns, therefore it evens out, but you don't like to drive so could you please send me £10 for your share.'