To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Thank you for this and the other replies to this post. Again I think its important to clarify:

Susan is not a friend to me or the group. We had her added to a group chat with no prior notice. I would say genuinely I am friends with every other person in that group and that we have interacted in the way friends should.

We are categorically NOT bullies and that is an unfair assumption. As a group I would say we are kind, tolerant and understanding and we have tried to be this way to Susan but she has repeatedly taken advantage of this.

There is not one positive thing I can say she brings to the group and it is not a si gle flaw, its repeated assumptions that we are her driver, hike guide, photographer and whatever else she needs.

In her absence today were you able to discuss and agree a way forward ?

I'd be wanting to have words with the person who added her: completely unreasonable thing to do.
Happened to me once, in a group I had actually set up, and I had to sort out the mess that ensued. It's not easy for sure.

Op did you discuss starting the new group, muting the old group and blocking her so she can’t directly message when you were out?
What has actually been done about her since you started this thread?
You have two options tell her or ghost her, so what are you going to do and when? Surely this weekend was the opportunity to set up the new group and all block her as she is going to contact you all again in the group soon before the next walk.

Tell her politely what you have told us. Then start a new group.

To answer the above yes we discussed today and I have started a new group this afternoon minus Susan and friend. There is one person in our group who thinks its not right to do this without having the conversation with her about why, but she doesn't want to have the conversation! We have agreed to post the odd bit of something in the old group and the occasional meet but it takes the pressure off some of the regular planning at least. I have messaged her this afternoon also to say I am planning to call at her house this week for the items that need to be returned that she borrowed.

That sounds very productive, OP

For what it’s worth, I think you’ve done the right thing. She sounds like a nightmare.
I completely disagree with @AnyoneWhoHasAHeart about female friendships. My friendship group of decades all support each other with no bitching.

That sounds very good!

Friend who thinks the course of action is wrong needs to put her money where her mouth is!

This 👆🏻 if it was a child, presumably you would say something? What is it You are all scared of? if none of you is grown up enough to say something to her - and it needn’t be unkind or rude;You don’t have to stoop to her level - Then you’re going to have to start a whole nother WhatsApp group without her, but somebody at some point is going to have to address the issue.

Add me to your WhatsApp group and il respond. I am very comfortable in telling the truth and doing it in a matter of fact way not to hurt someone’s feelings but I’m good at being honest. My family and friends think it’s my specialty 😏

We had a similar situation in our drawing group. One person spamming our app'group with not-related messages, claiming other members'chair if he arrived early, arrogant and missogynic like demanding "you come with me to the garage to carry my stuff" etc. We started a second whatsapp'group and left him out. If needed for planning he would get an email. Another male (!) in our group had a talk with him and we think he more or less understands now. He sometimes comes in for a session, but his behaviour is now acceptable.

She is only doing what everyone allows her to

By the way your solution of starting a new group and posting occasionally in the old one is very ,mean girl, school clique behaviour,. I’m not saying Susan isn’t the one in the wrong but as adults we don’t do this kind of thing. We women up and deal with stuff by communicating properly

I recently joined a lovely walking group. The organiser emails everyone on their list and people say directly that they would like to come along (there’s no charge). People then just turn up (or not). I’m sure some people have shared their contact details but most of us keep it really casual, chatting and enjoying the walk and company but no ‘strings’. We all go for a drink/food afterwards and the organiser never has to buy herself a drink.

In your case OP. Perhaps start a new group and be honest about the expectations of others; sharing lifts (or not) returning borrowed items (or not asking to borrow in the first place).

As I’ve got older I don’t have the patience for the politics of some social groups. I do have groups of friends/work colleagues but I don’t feel that I want to add more. Perhaps I’m a bit weird 🤷‍♀️

'excuses'?

Why do you see ND as an 'excuse'?

Maybe educate yourself

Totally ignorant, rude, gaslighting comment.one of the main reasons ND people don't share is non validation sweeping comments and being judged. But mostly, it's the everyday lived reality of ND being seen as an 'excuse' by ignorantn people who have no idea what they're talking about and can't be bothered doing a bit of research to understand those around them

That’s fantastic progress 👏

Start a new group and stop including her. Sounds harsh but she joined as someone else’s friend and I don’t think you owe her anything from the sound of it. Either that or just start saying no to her!

Oh wow. What an amazing idea...

Read all this and I agree - set up another group without her . If she asks I would just tell her that we are a lot different from you and what you want out of friendship. I wouldn't go into any more detail.

People like her are very thick skinned. You are going to have to be very direct or just go no contact.

And how would you propose I do this because trust me I have thought about it.

If I raised it with her outside of the group it would look like I was singling her out.

If I raised it in the main chat it would look like I was humiliating her in a group of 20 or more people.

I just don't feel that either way works to be honest. I would happily call out behaviour like this in my working environment but in my.personal life I just want peace and quiet and no drama.

We have done the saying no. She then starts direct messaging other members of the group asking them directly for lifts and they also then have to say no. It just never sinks in.

I think you’ve done the right thing starting a new group.

You’ve already done this though - just in person with no paper trail where everyone agreed to go for a 2nd group chat but to post occasionally in the 1st chat to limit suspicion!

I would make a new WhatsApp group. If she finds out yous have made plans and not invited her just say yous have been a group that have been friends a long time and the reason she is in the group is because someone else invited her. You have basically been lumbered with her. If u don't want to all leave the WhatsApp all at once, yous could leave it one by one but I honestly think a conversation with her is best.