To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

No she is a cheeky fucker. Your assumption that all autistic people are rude, insensitive grifters is not only wrong, its bloody offensive.

Your average 50 year old autistic woman (I am one) would go to the ends of the earth not to put a foot wrong.

Why are you all pandering to this miserable cow!!! Either remove her from the group or start a new one. Life is too short ti tolerate this shite.

Just tell her, you're not five.

Start another group and leave her out, simples.
Had similar issues with a sports team - same guys driving every week, others with cars shy about offering. Ended up just with 3 of us sharing turns - suddenly when no lifts were offered the other guys cars were fixed / available

They don't 'need' to explain to a grown woman that she shouldn't be rude and lazy.

This. I get so infuriated at this assumption. I'm not autistic but work with people who are and have family members. They aren't cheeky fuckers.

Oh, good lord - get a grip. You want everything to change by magic; for her to just somehow realise you’re all pissed off with her behaviour. Come and live in the real world where you actually have to tell people what’s going on instead of just desperately waiting for them to take the hint.

Why is every description of arsehole behaviour met with “They might be autistic.”? Two of my kids are autistic, my FIL is autistic, I work with a disproportionate number of young people diagnosed with some kind of neurodiversity or another and NONE OF THEM ARE ARSEHOLES.

Can you not tell Susan that, since OG friend doesn't come along any more, you now all feel the current dynamic isn't really working. So you're telling her... but softly, softly.

I agree! 100 mile trip is £45, split between four passengers is only £11.25 each, bargain.

I’d have to tell her and I’d do it on the current group you have. I’d start a new group without her going forward. She is rude and entitled.

Sounds like the original friend foisted Susan on you all and did a runner. She probably couldn’t stand Susan either so introduced her to alternative friends and disengaged. Very clever.

This - just start another whatsapp and announce the other one is pausing for a bit as you all have stuff going on. Then mute the first and ignore. If others want to put up with it and meet her they can, but you can choose not to engage.

I would just start using the what's app group you used for the last weekend away for general meet ups instead.
Gently morph away from the existing one

Life is too short. She's not a friend of yours just start a new group without her and the lady who dumped her on you.

If her messages get too much just all say you're not doing hikes anymore because of X (flimsy excuse) and leave the group.

Either block her on your phone or just stick to the story on any PMs and hope she will leave you alone eventually.

First post nails it.

I love (and would be a little annoyed) that the original friend palmed her off on you then stepped back. She probably did that for her own mental health!

The obvious answer is they are scared of her.

I’m torn between being honest with Susan and saying everything you’ve mentioned on here and then just setting up a different group.

If you want Susan to continue to be a member of the group, you need to tell her so she can rectify her behaviour.

If the group actively dislikes her anyway, set up a separate WhatsApp group and don’t include her.

She doesn’t bring anything to the party so why are you indulging her? Is it because everyone is too nice to speak up? Should you spend the rest of your days pussy-footing around a person who is selfish, rude and quite thoughtless?

Me too. I would have created a new group as I doubt she would change her ways and she would join in but maybe spoil the atmosphere as she has been put in place .

Why's that an issue? If she's an idiot just comment on the post saying "hi, I slated you because you're rude".

Pathetic otherwise

I do it in my job very often, I'd just like to not have to do it to enjoy a weekend hobby.

What you could do is make another group and only invite Susan say once a month- imply you are doing other things the rest of the time

At what point as women do we cease to be responsible for teaching others? Never apparently! They don’t like her, she has alienated the rest of the group by being arrogant, selfish and unpleasant with no reciprocity for years, so why should they correct her, be nice to her and give her another chance- they don’t want her around.

She is a grown adult. She may/may not be ND, or she may just be as she appears, a selfish person. Either way it isn’t this groups’s responsibility to correct her behaviour and put up with her.

This.