To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

[Firsttimemom3]

Did 18 years old is on her gap year. She has a good job well paid and saving for uni next year. We have given her a lump of money for her 18th, we do not charge her rent, we pay for food, phone and extras. We were meant to pay for her driving licence but we just had a massive vet bill, we are stretched. Am I unreasonable to expect her to pay her driving licence ?

I would have gifted lessons for birthday/xmas but not just paid. Both my DDs worked from 16 and paid their own lessons/car /insurance

Yes they told spoilt entitled daughter they would pay but an unexpected bill happened. That's life and daughter needs to respect that. She also needs to start paying for something!

She earns a good wage and yet everything is paid by the parents! That's just ridiculous and teaching the daughter nothing other than being a rude spoilt brat

The average age of a learner driver is 27. Around 1 in 4 people start learning at 17. This is one of those things which varies massively by social circle.

It's hard to say because we don't know the sums. You gave her a lump sum for her 18th but that could be £500 or £5,000. You help with uni - again, what amount.

You have said that she is working to save for her next year at Uni so her wages are already allocated to something that she needs.

You did promise to pay for her driving lessons and now you have withdrawn that which will affect her budgeting.

How do you expect her to pay herself, have you given/contributed enough for her to afford that as well as driving lessons or are you expecting her to just not have lessons?

Finally, she should be sharing household chores. All adults in the house should be doing some cleaning, cooking, etc. This is as important as any uni education.

What if you can’t afford to? Are you failing as a parent and will you be made to feel guilty about it by those who can?

Maybe just maybe if you want something badly enough a compromise can be reached like waiting until you are in your twenties and have more money. Just like people did years ago.

It’s also a life lesson to learn that often you don’t get everything immediately.

If she’s working and not paying rent it seems not unreasonable for her to pay imo ..

I can’t say I have got a lot of things right with my eldest and I’m sure lots of things could have been done better, but fair play to her she paid for all lessons/ tests / physical card / car / insurance and petrol.

we paid for her £20 road tax as a well done 🤷‍♂️

if she’s told you to fuck off I suggest you do just that for a while and leave her too it ! Parenting adults isn’t really much fun sometimes!

I think parents who’ve properly equipped their children for adult life should have 17 year olds who are capable of getting a job if they want something as expensive as driving lessons (average cost just over £2k). Working and paying for yourself is a really important life skill.

All my kids got their licence, lessons, car and first year insurance paid for. Some of it was with birthday presents, but most of it, not.
Some as a single mum, some not.

The end result is that they are all, without fail, amazing young adults, working, contributing to society, and also able not to generalise, to try and validate their own argument.

i bought him all the books and the app with the questions. I didn’t see anything about a hazard perception test. He spent weeks doing practice tests over and over, despite never scoring lower than 47 out of 50. But he’s ADHD/ASD and just didn’t occur to him to google what was in the test. I didn’t know it had changed (why would I when I hadn’t done it since 1998) and my husband is even older so never did a theory test. I would have expected his instructor to make certain he was ready for the test with how much he pays him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but to his logical mind he was doing the practice tests and thought that was all he needed to do. If his instructor had just mentioned there were 2 elements he would have prepared for it, the same as I’d expect a teacher at school to prepare a student for all elements of their gcse exam.

Vet bill more important. Im sure its a bit of a blow for her if an arrangement has had to change, but hey thats life, shit happens.

If she cant understand that then she sounds too immature to be on the road imo.

But, this is why the second my DC start earning ill be taking keep off them (to save for them) so they dont turn into spoiled brats.

I think the issue is you have changed your mind. Lessons are expensive. I would expect her to feel very let down and disappointed if you have backed out with very little notice. So for that you are unreasonable.

I think driving lessons are something that should be anticipated and budgeted for in the same way as going to university is. It’s not exactly a surprise that your 17/18 year old is going to want to learn to drive.

Everyone in the household should be doing a share of the tasks: No ifs, ands, or buts. Even if you have a cleaner there are tasks that need to be done and all living in the home should be doing them.

As for being told "....off" that would be the end of ANY financial assistance EVER again. That person is a spoilt brat and needs to learn that the world does not revolve around them.

Lots of people live rurally and in areas where part-time jobs don't exist unless you have your own transport or live in a bus route.

I have 3DC and paid for all of them to learn. Amongst their friend groups (they're now aged 19-30), I don't know any that weren't given it as a 17th Birthday gift.
The wealthier parents bought their DCs cars most adults would love. DS1's GF (now wife) was bought a brand new car on her 17th.
When DD passed she was at 6th form. I traded my car to buy a much smaller engined one and I shared it with her. I need a car because public transport is useless here, but don't drive very often. DC1&2 were working doing decent apprenticeships so could afford (with a little help) to buy and insure a car when they passed.
I think where you live makes all the difference. Paying for mine to learn meant no longer being their taxi service on a daily basis.
Here, almost everyone learns at 17, like sitting sitting GCSEs, it's just something you do. All three of their partners drive too. It's highly unusual not to, unless there's a reason.
DD is now at university in a city centre campus (she doesn't need a car there), and just uses mine when she's at home. All of her friend group were either bought cars or added to their parent's policies when they passed.

Anticipating something will happen =/= being able to afford it, though.

Lots of parents just don't have any spare money to fund things like driving lessons.

Exactly - driving unlocks opportunity. Why would you not want your children to be able to access that?

Well it depends.

imo driving is a life skill, and as I said once mine could drive it took an enormous weight off my time driving them around. Both do high level sport so train most days, plus weekend matches.

meant I got my evenings back, and weekends. I could go for short breaks on a long weekend instead of taking them training or to a match. So for me it was worth every penny in terms of the hours i got back.

i also don’t think asking a 17 year old doing 3 a’levels and who is committed to their team for the season to add a job into the mix is fair.

saved me thousands in the long run as the oldest got a scholarship to a US university for his sport so his degree will cost neither him or me a penny. A job would not have had that return on investment.

If you have promised her you will pay for her driving lessons , theory test and driving test then you have broken your word. If you can't afford to pay now , then you need to explain that to her and try to come to a compromise. She was rude to you but you have gone back on your promise and she is really disappointed.

We paid for both our children to learn when they were 17. It is a good skill to have.

I paid for all mine

Did you previously say you'd pay, then today tell her you're not paying and she'd have to suddenly pay herself?

Telling you to fuck off isn't great but if this was the case I can imagine she might have been a bit shocked and disappointed.

Alternatively if you spend your time studying, instead of working, when you are 17 you will get better exam results, go to a better University and get a better job.

We paid for both our Dds driving lessons and tests and bought them a car each . We aren't rich either just aware how important being able to drive is as a life skill and for their independence.

I think if the goalposts have changed because of the vet bill then you all need to sit down together and have an honest conversation and agree what you’re going to do.

Does she need a car for uni?

Can you agree to fund the first X number of hours driving lessons and then agree anymore than that you’ll match what she contributes 50:50? That’s what we’re doing, so our DS has to show some effort saving and contributing himself, but it’s not 100% on him.

If finances are really tight it might be she has to postpone driving until you can all save up a decent amount. Once she’s passed her driving test she’ll need insurance which is very expensive.