To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

[Firsttimemom3]

Did 18 years old is on her gap year. She has a good job well paid and saving for uni next year. We have given her a lump of money for her 18th, we do not charge her rent, we pay for food, phone and extras. We were meant to pay for her driving licence but we just had a massive vet bill, we are stretched. Am I unreasonable to expect her to pay her driving licence ?

@Firsttimemom3 I think the fact you have said you have moved the goal posts is unreasonable. If you promise to fund something, then back out, I can understand her being frustrated.

HOWEVER

You've spoilt her, my children wouldn't ever dare tell me to fuck off, sorry.

I do agree with this.

She wouldn't be getting anything from us with that attitude.

What seems unreasonable to me is the fact you have agreed to her having a gap year without setting up expectations for what she pays for out of her earnings during that year.

I can understand that she is angry, if you said you would pay for the lessons and have gone back on that. That said, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. If she's working and has no bills to pay, then I think it's reasonable enough that she pays for her own lessons.

With all 3 of my children, when they were 17, we did a combination of us paying for some lessons for Christmas/Birthdays, and them paying the rest from their savings/weekend jobs. It's probably worked out around half and half. We paid for insurance for them to learn on our car, but they then had to buy their own cars and insure them once they passed. It's not impossible, they all got older cars worth around a grand, and insurance was no more than £1000 for the year - still a lot I know, but not the £200 a month that some people are quoting on here. They did all have some savings which helped with this.

We could have afforded to pay for all this, but I think it was really good for them to understand that money doesn't grow on trees, and working for things they want gives them a sense of responsibility.

Well she doesn't pay for anything else (more fool you), the least she can do is pay for her lessons and test.

I don't think I know anyone whose parents paid for their driving lessons.

How much did you give her for her 18th? There’s a big difference between, say, £500 and £4000.

I think it’s rather unfair to say you’d pay for it, then change your minds. If you were only a vet bill away from not being able to afford it, then you shouldn't really have promised it in the first place.

You said you'd pay but you had an unexpected large emergency expense. Unfortunately, this is a welcome to the real world to your daughter. Yes, you moved the goalposts but you had to make a choice. You might need to remind her driving is a privilege she has to earn.

She sounds spoiled, being 18 and not contributing to the household via chores at the least. Telling you to fuck off was rude as fuck and I'd be disinclined to help her out after that. I'd stop doing her laundry and any tasks for her. Stop paying that phone bill.

I'd let things die down a bit and offer to pay half the lessons. I wouldn't be fully paying because she's become extremely entitled and flat out disrespectful and rude. Did she expect you to let your pet go without vet care?

It's time for you to give her some consequences for her disrespect and laziness and lack of contribution to the household.
I'm in the US and I paid for extra driving lessons for both my kids. It was safer for them to have that time and they got a discount on their insurance.

YANBU.

Also she should be doing stuff around the house and she should not be swearing at you.

You need to lay down some house rules tbh.

Depends where you live really, we’ve bought car, lessons, test fees and insurance when they pass. But we live very rurally - half hour round trip to the train, 20 min to their jobs, so for us it’s money well spent that we are no longer the taxi service! They didn’t choose to live here, we did. Might not have been so generous if there was a feasible public transport option though.

I think threads like those show how out of touch mumsnetters are. It's very weird to pay for a child's driving lessons and vehicle. It infantilises them and makes your children look like toddlers.

It is absolutely normal up and down the country for 18 year olds to fund their own lessons, driving licence, test, and car using their own money from their job.

There’s a lot of separate issues there - it’s neither reasonable nor unreasonable to pay for driving lessons depending on your finances and how important it is that your kids drive.

The issues are more around what are your expectations of her, is she pulling her weight at home, are you allowing her to speak to you so rudely etc.

I’d suggest when you’re both calm sit down for a good chat, explain that your finances are stretched right now, that you’re unhappy with her lack of contribution to home life and that since you’ve had a row now seems like a good time to agree how things will work going forward.

That agreement needs to cover finances but also helping in the house and treating you respectfully. Try to listen with an open mind to what she wants as well! At her age you want to start moving towards being adult roommates rather than doing everything for her.

Insurance will cost almost £200 a month for a learner (more for boys, sadly)

How much?! What are you insuring? We insured my kids on my own car when they were learning, it's nothing fancy, but fairly new, and it cost less than £150 for three months. Once they passed though, it was about £1800 to add them as a named driver, so we didn't do that! Cheaper to get their own car and insurance, and to start their no claims bonuses.

I think you are being mean. You have already told your daughter that you would pay, as most parents do. It sounds like you couldn’t afford the pet you have.

Pretty sure they can afford the pet. It's the lazy entitled daughter they can't afford

If you don't pay for lessons, are you prepared to take her out driving a lot? This is time consuming for you but will save a lot of money if it means fewer lessons.

You intended to pay. Now you can't afford it. That's a disappointment. DD can rethink her plans and learn either at uni or afterwards. You can help then but only if you can afford it.

Totally agree. As I said, I don't know anyone whose parents paid for their driving lessons. I do know some parents who paid for a car or put money towards a car but none of them were particularly expensive cars.

Personally I think learning to drive is important to get done asap. It’s essential, not a nice to have. Many jobs expect you to have a valid driving license for business travel. If you can I would pay for lessons or at least make a contribution.

£200 for a new driver on their own car, sorry - not as an additional driver.

My son is using he's child trust fund that he was told was for lessons and we will pay for any additional plus the licence he's 18 may

Depends if you want your word meaning anything.

A vet bill shouldnt make a difference against a long term commitment such as driving costs. Maybe you should actually look to charging her board/ pat some of her own expenses, then use that money to keep your board

We paid for DS’s but he would also never tell us to fuck off, so there’s that. I think if she’s saving for uni and all her money is going towards that then yes you should pay, but if she has left over money that would cover the lessons etc she should pay.

Sorry, I meant £200 a month as a new driver with a new license on their own vehicle, not with a provisional as an additional driver.

Stay calm ! Just read your update !
It's so annoying when u do everything and they swear at you !
I think maybe if she can afford it then say she can pay no need to get in debt over it if u don't need to !
Or u could go halves may e once u in a better position money wise but the best thing right now is STAY CALM and don't react to the swearing 🤬 big hugs it's hard having kids ! I do remember this age very well !

Gosh! How you going to manage that!

My first car was 20 years ago now and was an old Renault Clio cost 3k. Ran that into the ground

I last sold a car 4 years ago and couldn’t believe it was worth more than when I had bought it ten years earlier. Had a good 100k miles more than purchase and was stranded in a garage with thousands of pounds work required due to something gone terribly wrong. Sold for 6k!

So not sure about the 5k!

It really isn't that weird.

I was 18 in the mid noughties and virtually all my friends had lessons and cars bought for them by their parents - I was very, very much an anomaly in that my parents could easily have paid but thought it was my responsibility - as a result I couldn't afford to learn until my late twenties.

As an additional driver, she wont be able to earn her no claims discount. It may be a cheaper way of doing it initially, but long term could end up costly