To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

[Firsttimemom3]

Did 18 years old is on her gap year. She has a good job well paid and saving for uni next year. We have given her a lump of money for her 18th, we do not charge her rent, we pay for food, phone and extras. We were meant to pay for her driving licence but we just had a massive vet bill, we are stretched. Am I unreasonable to expect her to pay her driving licence ?

All my kids worked p/t from 16 to pay for their own driving lessons and save towards their first cars. Their father helped with insurance.

Especially for the sake of vets fees! Not exactly a stretch to feel like the OP is prioritising the dog/cat/rabbit over her. She shouldn’t have told her to fuck off but she is understandably disappointed

Can you comprehend that many parents struggle to pay basic bills and that they do not have the financial resources to pay for lessons etc however far ahead they anticipate this?
We paid for our children but I have enough self awareness to comprehend that many people ,including friends and colleagues cannot afford to fork out 100s on lessons,car,insurance etc!

You've moved the goal posts and she's mad.
Teenage brains have poor impulse control and the fuck off is like a toddler tell you that they hate you. I think some times its a healthier way to be. I spent a long time internalising those feelings and it was so much worse for me. Tell her it's ok to be upset when things change unexpectedly and it's ok to need space to process it but it's not ok to use that language towards you.
Give her some space to cool down and explain that money can only go so far and you are sorry that you have had go back on what you said but in life you can only make decisions based on your financial situation of the moment and not the position you hoped to be in. Use it as an opportunity to reassess all of her expenses, go through what she is earning and what you are able to contribute. Help her figure out how to make that money go as far as possible and to include the driving lessons.

I mean, I would have hoped my parents valued my pets' life over my driving lessons at 17, but maybe that's just me

Precisely.

Lots of parents literally have nothing left to save each month. Telling them their kids will want to learn to drive at 17 makes absolutely no difference to that!

An emergency vet bill would definitely take priority over driving lessons and my children would agree 100%!

A grant from where?!

Well it depends doesn’t it - is the daughter a pet person? How old is the pet? Is it needlessly being kept alive beyond reasonably duration? Is the OP spending a stupid sum on it? Someone I know has dropped £13.5k and counting on surgery for her dog. It’s just not sensible and I would be really cross if someone couldn’t facilitate something important for me that they had promised because they had chosen to spend an insane amount on a pet.

With that update in mind, maybe you do too much.

I would hope a probably much loved pet's health would come before a spoilt brat's driving lessons.

I don't care how disappointed she is to tell her mum to fuck off is disgusting.

Its highly unlikely she can really afford the price of lessons etc. Has she got a part time job? No way should she be speaking to you like that, if you can't afford it and if she can't it'll have to wait.

Edit: Sorry don't know how but missed the part that says good job with good pay. If she wants to learn she self funds.

Yep!

Me and my siblings had to learn as adults because my mum was a single parent and couldn't even afford to learn how to drive herself.

Why are you making excuses for the daughter? Her parents obviously are pet people and it is THEIR money and they can spend it how they like.

The fact that you would be cross if someone could do not something for you that they had promised because they felt their pet took priority to me shows you are as entitled as the daughter

Id be pretty ashamed of my DC if they expected me to just let a pet die or be very ill in this situation 😔

My parents paid for 10 lessons for my 17th birthday. I paid for the rest from my part time job. That was normal amongst my friends.

I just think the daughter’s future, which the OP is currently compromising, is more important than whatever animal she has chosen to spend an excessive amount of money on

Agree…my children would be absolutely devastated if I prioritised them over our dogs health!

Afaik the DD can learn to drive anytime, so its not as if her future is going to be ruined by this, lets not be too dramatic about it 😂

It really depends on what is wrong with the animal. Years ago people had pets and if they were very ill then they died. This might sound cruel to some people but actually in a lot of cases it was much kinder. Animals live for the day. You can’t sit them down and tell them that while they are going through a lot of pain, they will be OK in the long run. Keeping an animal alive for your own sake is bordering on abuse.

Being cross and upset is fine - even normal and to be expected. Telling your mum to fuck off is a whole different kettle of fish.

She won't suffer because she has to pay for her own driving lessons

Oh come off it, how is the daughter's future being compromised? She has a well paid job and yet contributes nothing towards food or anything else. She doesn't even help with chores. She may well find the future difficult because of her entitled attitude but not because she has to delay driving lessons for a bit. If she is that desperate to learn to drive she could maybe pay for her own lessons - now that's a novel idea!

No. It is much easier to learn when you are young.

Delayed driving lessons are not going to ruin your child’s future 🙄What a ridiculous reply!

I'm assuming OP is a fairly sensible human being and spent the money because it was necessary, not just for shits and giggles.