To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

[Firsttimemom3]

Did 18 years old is on her gap year. She has a good job well paid and saving for uni next year. We have given her a lump of money for her 18th, we do not charge her rent, we pay for food, phone and extras. We were meant to pay for her driving licence but we just had a massive vet bill, we are stretched. Am I unreasonable to expect her to pay her driving licence ?

@fruitbrewhaha get some insurance quotes. My dd is 20 and as a named on my fiat 500 it knocked my insurance up to £1500 at 17 when she passed. Yr 2 was lower once she had 12m no claims. Lads in own cars were paying £3500 for insurance.

As I already explained, your friendship circle is anomalous.

I paid for DD to learn to drive a couple of years ago. That alone was around £1500. Insurance would have been almost £4,000 for the first year and second-hand cars are now stupidly expensive.
I ended up trading my car in and buying a brand new one litre thing (that I hate) to share with DD. She's now at university and I'm shortly going to go back to a car I want, rather than one bought with DD in mind. She doesn't need a car as she's in a city centre campus l.

How do you know this? Or are you just guessing based on you and some people in your social circle?

In the real world financial circumstances can change quite quickly ,the daughter should have the maturity to understand and respect why her parents cannot now pay for everything! A vet bill can cost £50-£5000+++ depending on the problem.
OP your daughter sounds a spoilt,privileged brat . She needs to apologise to you and start behaving like an adult .

If my daughter told me to fuck off, the shutters of the bank of mum would clang shut faster than you could say awww mum.

That said did you offer to pay and now you're withdrawing the offer?

Ithink its posts like these that show how ignorant some mumsnetters are.

Your opinion is your opinion, doesnt mean its the right or 'not-wierd' one.

Some mumsnetters live rurally so its in the best interests of both child and parent to enable the driving. Some are single parents that the extra driver will prove the world of usefulness. Some are unable to drive them selves. Some live in areas of deprivation, so the driving opens opportunities. Theres loads of reasons parents pay.

However ill be sure to tell my kids theyre actually infantalised and toddler ish. One has his own business, in fact has done since before he could drive, hence why we helped, one is currently at uni studying law and able to travel there and back much easier, another has just bought their own home at 23 and the baby is currently at work again but ill be sure to tell her when she gets home....

If you have an an unexpected bill & can no longer afford it she is plenty old enough to understand that.

Do she earn enough to carry on saving plus pay herself?

How much will you be helping with uni?

I think your daughter should be paying herself as she is working and earning a decent wage. We were fortunate that our son was working and paid for lessons etc. himself.

Your vet bill isn’t your DDs fault , is it?

I’d say you should pay but I do understand how generous you are regarding rent etc and a large unexpected bill would hit anyone hard.

Could you go halves on lessons or pay for the initial 10 or so? Try and find a driving instructor who is happy to be paid weekly - ours does (even though I've paid in advance but he didn’t mind).

She told you to f*ck off?!?! Just because you cannot afford something?!

Your daughter sounds like a self entitled spoiled brat!

I would be telling her that not only does she need to pay for her own driving lessons if she wants to learn, but she also needs to start paying for her own phone bill, as she is an adult now.

Really?! I had to wait until I started work and paid for my own lessons.

I think you’re being unreasonable if you previously told her you would pay and are now withdrawing that offer.

I missed the bit where your daughter told you to fuck off - that’s not on! Tell her to find her own accommodation while she saves up for uni!

Talk about biting the hand that feeds her.

I live in an average area and round here it’s pretty normal for parents to pay for driving lessons. Most kids start when they’re 17, and at that age they’re either at school or doing an apprenticeship, so they’re not wealthy. Buying a car is different - not many parents can afford that - but all of DS’s friends had their lessons paid for by parents.

Just read your daughter told you to fuck off. Are you bank rolling her gap year too?

My daughter paid for her own lessons and everything related to learning. We gave her sone money towards a second hand car. Reading on Mumsnet how many of you pay for absolutely everything is an eye opener.

If your daughter wants her independence maybe she needs to wait a few years until she’s saved up enough to run her own car without the bank of mum and dad. And maybe she will learn that by telling her mum to fuck off she gets sweet nothing??

I have think it’s much better for teenagers to pay for their own lessons. Driving is an expensive privilege and the earlier they learn that the better. Where I am the vast majority of teens have to pay for their own because most parents can’t afford it! My nephew saved up from as soon as he turned 16.

It sounds like your DD has turned into a spoilt brat tbh. She’s an adult - she needs to pay for her own luxuries and do her fair share of chores! Definitely not acceptable telling you to fuck off either.

@baileys6904 However ill be sure to tell my kids theyre actually infantalised and toddler ish. One has his own business, in fact has done since before he could drive, hence why we helped, one is currently at uni studying law and able to travel there and back much easier, another has just bought their own home at 23 and the baby is currently at work again but ill be sure to tell her when she gets home....

If you agree that your children are not toddlers, then why treat them as such?

YANBU. Large vet bills normally land when the only alternative is PTS. Presumably she loves whichever pet has been at risk and she has the capacity to understand the alternative to paying the vet bill. Shit happens, plans change. Hope your pet is okay.

I think parents should pay for driving lessons, I just do I’m afraid. I see driving as an essential life skill towards developing your independence. The role of a parent is to equip their children to be able to lead a successful adult life and driving is an important part of that.

It reads as if you’ve overcommitted your finances and your support for your DD tbh? In our (frankly very comfortably of, semi-rural) circle, paying for lessons, car, rent free gap year and contributing to university are totally normal. It would be considered odd to do otherwise. But it’s an affluent circle. I am well aware that plenty of others would need 18 year olds on a gap year to pay rent and entirely fund themselves. If a vet’s bill knocks you out then you didn’t have the money for what you promised. And I have horses with insurance but still have had the joy of deciding whether I was going to pay thousands on a vet or PTS.

How do you know? Have you asked every single parent in the country? 😉

She should pay for her own, if she is saving her wages for university expenses then I’d meet her in the middle.

I agree with many on here that if you told her that you'd pay, then it's reasonable for her to be frustrated if that expectation has changed, but telling you to fuck off is also unreasonable.

When things are calmer, maybe discuss reasonable contributions to the household, what you're already paying for her, and if she'd like to make changes.

With my older two, I paid for the provisional license. There has been discussion with my third around possibly paying for lessons, but it would mean very little gift wise for any gift giving occasions throughout and how she can then help out once she passes and is in position to afford everything a car needs (basically, that she'd pay those rather than any rent or other costs her older siblings did).