To ask for your ideas to take petty revenges on an uninvited guest?

[guestsareinvited]

Because of boring and longwinded reasons, I can't currently prevent this person from coming to stay with me whenever they like. But I don't have to treat them like a guest, because guests are invited. I have plans in place to renounce this obviously terrible arrangement as soon as possible, but in the meantime I am relieving my frustrations by plotting small, petty revenge's that aren't unreasonable.

(They have a lovey home of their own, and don't really want to stay here. They are choosing to be here specifically because they know I don't want them and to make the point that they still can. It's silly and childish and I didn't choose it. They did, and are also deliberately prolonging the situation. There's nothing to do but laugh about it, and this is intended to be in jest. Although I can't promise I won't put one or two into practice if there are good suggestions.....)

Get your cat/dog/hamster to wee in their shoes.

Let them use your fresh milk but then swop the lid to one with a really old BBD and say "you didnt use that did you? That was my DC's science experiment for school. Oh dear. Well I guess it will be ok...?".

Spill milk in their car.

Rub a bit of garlic on a washable peice of their clothing. Not much, just enough so the smell annoys them but they dont know where it's from.

Consistently get their tea/coffee order wrong but if they raise it be dismissive. "I'm sure you said 2 sugars, oh well. I'll remember it for next time".

Be loud when they are in bed.

"Tidy up" their things. In fact follow them round tidying eg as soon as they've put a cup down "have you finished that? Let me take it out". People who do that make their guests really uncomfortable.

Put the TV on a tiny but too low for them to hear. That annoying volume where you can sort of hear it.

(Sometimes I find it cathartic to think of petty things to do to people who've annoyed me so I have many ideas. I will never do any of them but revenge can be fun to imagine)

You shouldn't even consider buying the house even if she stops dicking around with the price. She will continue to behave like it is hers even if you change the locks. Sounds like more hassle than it is worth.

You need to stop planning to buy that, make it extremely clear that you’re only looking elsewhere and LOOK. Even if you did buy it she would always feel entitled, kill that plan stone dead op.

I would get on with finding another house now. It could take until June to complete - most conveyances seem to take 3-4 months. Even with cash buyers.

@guestsareinvited- do not buy this house from her. She will still see it as hers.

Also in this visit, you need to have a chat about the rent. The rent you agreed to pay was for exclusive use, not only part share with her. Given she visits for so long but doesn’t pay towards the other bills, you’ve decided you won’t pay rent/only pay 50% rent for the time she visits.

Did you know you can read the OP's updates?

just got back on the laptop read the ops up dates, makes sense now, good luck

Are you my ex-flatmate? If so, please turn the History Channel off; none of the rest of us are interested in how many people died in that plane crash, or why.

OP, why has your DM suddenly started visiting so often? And I absolutely agree with other posters: under no circumstances buy her house - find somewhere else that will be absolutely yours and nothing to do with her. If you start looking now, you should be able to move shortly after your finishes her exams. Does your DM think you like having her there, or does she know you resent her? I might have been tempted to say something to the effect that once I got out of her house, I’d make sure I never saw her again. Would she care? I just don’t understand a parent behaving like this towards a daughter - she must know that this arrangement can’t go on for ever, and that she’s hardly endearing herself to you.

Buy some prawns on their use-by date and sew them into the hems of the unwanted person's bedroom curtains.

I am looking, and I've no issues buying somewhere else. I expect it to take three months, so that's why I've pushed her this time.

She definitely wouldn't pull this crap if I owned it. The absolute first thing I would do is get smart locks and cameras installed. The car is garaged, the back is gated and the front windows have privacy tints and shutters. If she turns up unannounced, I will not answer. She can rage in a very public street, or go to a hotel. Then she can call and ask if it's convenient to visit. I do not owe her availability with no notice.

Even if I agree to her staying, I will only be validating her smart lock token for one use, and it will expire in 24 hours. She'll have to ask me every time. I am really pissed off that she feels she doesn't owe me the very basic courtesy of letting me know when she is coming and going. So I will be revoking that privilege hard.

It'll stink the house out.

Parcel DD off to a friends for the night and have very loud sex, not sure who with though!

Get those timed cricket noise makers and hide it under the floorboard.

Only go off every half an hour once, so hard to locate, but the battery lasts a year.

It isn't out of character for her to be so hard, but it does seem more extreme lately. She definitely knows I don't want her - that's why she's doubled down and is coming more often - no one is going to tell her when she is allowed in HER HOUSE. A couple of people have suggested it could be the start of dementia. But she has always been very quite overbearing and controlling. Other than staying here, she doesn't contact me at all, unless she wants something.

I will definitely be grey rocking when we move. I likely won't go no contact because she won't respect privacy and will be a right pain pushing for clearing the air and getting it off her chest (which will be a one way rant for her where she outlines her expectations and ignores or dismisses anyone else's feelings or boundaries, with varying degrees of abuse). Superficial chit chat over coffee once every couple of months is worth it to keep her off my doorstep. (I'm sure she will feel I'm the problem. That's absolutely fine)

I do have a (usually) willing volunteer and I did suggest it. He cannot stand the way she treats me, and she's been quite unpleasant to him the past too, so he prefers not to be around when she is. He would probably give her a well deserved piece of his mind. I am welcome at his place anytime I want, but that means leaving DD alone with her, which is hardly fair.

I thought it would be best in the sitting room, fully visible through the French doors as she came down the garden. She could beat a quiet retreat and no embarrassing confrontation. Just some very necessary reflection on her part about respecting privacy (you park at the back here behind a gate, so no-one else would catch an eyeful). However, she has no boundaries, and would probably just barge though with a 'don't mind me'. She is not above coarse heckling and he would be mortified. I've had to fit an extra bolt on the bathroom, because she has no issues with turning the screw lock and wandering in anyway for the most trifling of reasons. This has not endeared her to DD15!!!

I am SO TEMPTED!!!! That and the little mosquito thingy. I mustn't - I am definitely a good person and I genuinely only intended this thread to be a bit of lighthearted tension relief.

Op won’t do a thing because she knows which side her bread is buttered.

In short, the op will be paying a peppercorn rent if that. That is why is she is sucking up the poor behaviour.

The pound signs are too compelling to make her move .

You could be right, because otherwise why on earth would she live like that and put her daughter through it as well? There's a simple solution - move out.

The mother will be renting the property for nothing or pennies. That is why the OP is staying put

I don’t understand why you don’t rent/buy a different house?
Is she allowing you to stay there for free? Is that why you stay?
The only way to stop this situation is take the power away, and to do that you need to find somewhere else to live.

I can see you're making plans to move after GCSEs are over, not long now.

Can I suggest a fart machine?
They are very realistic sounding these days.
It gives you & your daughter an opportunity to look as disgusted as you feel with her behaviour 😂

This is what many of us have been saying, and what the OP won't address.

She has addressed it:

Because my daughter sits her GCSE's in two months. Uprooting her now would be really disruptive and unfair.

But there's that strangely common Mumsnet idea that moving is a simple and trivial matter, instead of the very major and traumatic upheaval that it usually entails...

I’d just buy somewhere else, the only reason this game continues for so long is as you engage, you play the game with her, you don’t need to do this, find another house offer and move,