To ask how to set boundaries with DM without hurting her feelings?

[tigerlilt]

So for a bit of backstory, I’m due to have my first baby via c-section ( for medical reasons out of my control ) in 2 weeks. DM lives 3 hours away and I’m really struggling to manage her expectations for visiting ect once he’s born.

Several times during my pregnancy she’s made commitments about ‘driving straight across’ as soon as anything happens and i’ve tried to kindly ask that we have some time as a three when she is first here, I thought she had got the message but on the phone today she said to make sure I let her know when I get my section date so she can come and be with me in hospital. I tried to kindly suggest that this would not be the case, and I would prefer if she waited until we are home to visit; she laughed and said ‘okay we will see’ and I just feel she hasn’t taken me seriously.

I just really don’t want any visitors in the first 24 hours, especially not in hospital- I hate attention like this and really just want it to be the three of us to begin with, and then have visitors in our own home when I feel comfortable.

AIBU?! I feel bad for my DM as she is the first grandchild so she is of course very excited, I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected. How do I approach this? Or maybe I am BU, is the the norm to have family in the hospital? I know some people would love to have their mums there but i’m just very private and want it to just be my partner and I.

Just tell her 24 hours after
If she kicks off tell her she doesnt listen

Don't tell her, or anyone who knows her when you have a date. Only advise her of the birth of you are happy that she turns up. You can take control of the birth of your child.

Don't tell her! We didn't tell anyone except the friend babysitting after the first one. When we'd caught our breath then we informed everyone. My parents did come to the hospital after our first was born but I was there for a week!

Don't tell. We didn't apart from the person having our other child.

In the end my dad came to the hospital after the birth and I was happy with that. I wanted a familiar face.

Is she planning on staying with you or booking a room somewhere nearby?

I’m not sure! We don’t have a spare room other than the nursery so would be on the sofa if she did!

I know the easiest thing seems to not tell her but I feel this will create more drama going forward. I would tell her the date and reiterate at that point that you don't want her to come. Then alert hospital staff to not let any visitors in.
Yes, she will be hurt but that way it will be her decision to show up and be turned away despite you clearly setting a boundary.

‘Mum I know you care and I want you to meet the baby but I’ll have just had major surgery and be trying to also look after a baby. We don’t know what complications there might be. I’d love for you to meet the baby once I’ve recovered enough from surgery to be discharged.’

Keep calling it surgery, not a c section. People lose sight of the fact that it is major surgery when babies are involved. I doubt she’d be pressuring you to visit the second you’d just come out of the operating theatre for a hysterectomy. Bear in mind she may also, depending on age, be of an era when you were kept in hospital for a while after having a baby. Even after a c section there’s a decent chance you’ll be sent home after 24 hours. She won’t have to wait long!

Don't tell her the date, be a bit vague, then tell her they brought it forward a day when you went in for a check in.

Thankyou for the responses so far. I did try to get round this by saying that I would appreciate her coming across to ‘help’ once my partner goes back to work, but she basic said ‘I’m not waiting that long, I’m not just coming to help I’m coming to meet my grandchild.’

Really awkward as I don’t want to upset her but I think for once I need to make it about me, i’ll have just had surgery and I feel that should be acknowledged over her wanting to meet her grandchild!

Also, I’m not particularly precious about these things, but I have a distinct memory of my in laws standing around looking awkward after the birth of my first child, while I lay in bed hooked up to a cannula that was providing me with an iron infusion, looking, funnily enough, like I’d just been through major surgery, while they gazed at a baby with a black eye, a misshapen head, and obvious forceps marks. I think everyone would have been more comfortable having baby cuddles a few days later.

You can't. You just need to prioritise your needs and be firm with your boundaries.

I was an absolute wet lettuce with my first baby and let everyone come to the hospital when I was recovering from an emergency section. I was having a hell of a time with breastfeeding as well so just really could have done without the invasions.

Second time I bluntly said that we didn't want visitors and we would let them know when they can visit.

My mum was upset, angry, sent me many messages and tried to call me and then my DP. I put my phone on airplane mode and enjoyed my time with my second baby.

Have you considered you might be desperate to show off your baby to your dm?
I had dd1 young and had a host of special people visit the same day.
Dgm turned up bearing a tin of home made jam tarts! Was lovely to see them sharing our joy!!
I also had a emcs with my last dc.. Was also desperate to get home and show him off!!

NOOOOO…. Sofa is a terrible idea, you may well be up and down all night breastfeeding and settling a new born, they take loads of time and effort! If anything she needs to stay at a local hotel / Airbnb etc … ask her to stay home till you’re home, you may be in hospital a
fra days after your section - I was in 5 days each with mine as mine both had jaundice - take care and best wishes

What is helpful to remember is that your mum is an adult who is responsible for her own feelings. It's not your job to worry about her reaction. You set your boundary and you just have to reiterate it and be firm.
She is not waiting that long?! Yes, she is, because that's what you said needs to happen. She can be upset. It's not life-threatening.

Maybe! And if I do feel like that I will of course invite people asap! It’s just with it being my first baby I have no idea how i’m going to feel and having had surgery before, I’ve never liked being smothered by visitors straight after and the idea of it makes me feel quite uncomfortable!

I’m so very grateful that my DD and my DIL both wanted to see family as soon as the DGC were born. Just imagine your precious baby telling you, in 20 to 30 years time, that you’re not welcome. There’s no way of doing it without hurting her feelings.

This is the roght approach

you hust need to add “mum did you hear me” until she says yes

Does your dm really just fit in the 'visitors' catagory?
I was with my dd when she have birth. No way would I have had mine there but it was very special to see dgc first! Probably before dd did actually!!

But she doesn't appear to mind hurting your feelings?

Ahh maybe I am being harsh?! I just already feel so overwhelmed by having to have a c-section and it being my first I just want some time. But I do feel bad when I look at it like this.

Tell her what your boundaries are.

"We arent having visitors at hospital i will let you know as soon as we are home"

Once you are home "we would love to see you, we can't have you stay over." (I would drive 3 hours and back to meet a neice or nephew. Wouldn't do it routinely but definitely for early visit.)

No and she will of course meet her before visitors! I just want 24 hours after surgery to somewhat feel more human before seeing anyone other than my partner😭

I had a similar experience with my first and we actually didn’t tell her until my ELCS was over and baby had arrived. She was fuming and it created a big cloud for the first few weeks.

second baby I text to say I was on the way to hospital and please don’t come until we phone you again. They ignored me and came straight away. I was not ready. 6hrs post a gruelling experience and struggling to bf. I was a mess and they just wanted to take photos of baby and didn’t seem to acknowledge I was in a mess.

If she isn’t listening to you can you get your partner to talk to her?

Same here. OP, you know how you feel about your baby? That's exactly how your mum thinks of you. Would it really hurt to have her come to see the baby when it's born and just stay for an hour? I was with the other GM when my DIL had her baby and we drove to the hospital together - it was pre-arranged the next day after a planned CS. It was a really lovely, precious time. We didn't stay long because of visiting restrictions (SCU) but it was something we all appreciated.