To ask how to set boundaries with DM without hurting her feelings?

[tigerlilt]

So for a bit of backstory, I’m due to have my first baby via c-section ( for medical reasons out of my control ) in 2 weeks. DM lives 3 hours away and I’m really struggling to manage her expectations for visiting ect once he’s born.

Several times during my pregnancy she’s made commitments about ‘driving straight across’ as soon as anything happens and i’ve tried to kindly ask that we have some time as a three when she is first here, I thought she had got the message but on the phone today she said to make sure I let her know when I get my section date so she can come and be with me in hospital. I tried to kindly suggest that this would not be the case, and I would prefer if she waited until we are home to visit; she laughed and said ‘okay we will see’ and I just feel she hasn’t taken me seriously.

I just really don’t want any visitors in the first 24 hours, especially not in hospital- I hate attention like this and really just want it to be the three of us to begin with, and then have visitors in our own home when I feel comfortable.

AIBU?! I feel bad for my DM as she is the first grandchild so she is of course very excited, I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected. How do I approach this? Or maybe I am BU, is the the norm to have family in the hospital? I know some people would love to have their mums there but i’m just very private and want it to just be my partner and I.

Think it must be a generational thing but absolutely couldn't wait to show my baby to my family. I was so proud. My mum would have disowned me had I made her wait.
I cannot stress enough how much help another pair of hands are those first few days to make a cup of tea or to put the washing machine on especially after having a cs.

Are you and your mum not very close? Is she unhelpful? It's quite common for people to have their mum as well as their partner there for the birth and to be supported by both with a newborn. It isn't usually like having a visitor you have to host or look presentable for.
Your mum is going to be hurt however you put it across, but at the end of the day she should want to prioritise your feelings and and respect your wishes so if you really don't want her there be firm and honest.

Maybe it is generational, but I think for me it’s the fact i’m having major surgery, won’t be meeting my baby for an hour or so after she’s born myself which i’m worried about bonding ect already and I just know I won’t want to be smothered! Plus, my DP is going to be around to do the washing ect so I’m not too worried about ‘help’ whilst he’s off work.

Me too. I so wanted to share this time with the new grandparents.

Additionally, my newborns seemed to sleep for the first 24 hours. Hospital was by far the easiest place for the first visit. Everyone was respectful of the fact I was knackered, and there was no pressure on us to perform in any way.

I wouldn’t bother with the last repeat. I’d say

‘if you don’t listen to and respect my wishes, I will not tell you the baby is born until 24 hours after I get home from hospital.’

My mum was at the birth of my first child. She has said it was the most magical moment of her life. I can't imagine excluding her from her grandchildren. MIL also came the day I gave birth. First grandchild for both.

We are close now yes but have had our ups and downs over the years! Maybe i’m just weird but don’t feel comfortable being completely vulnerable in front of anyone apart from my partner

is the the norm to have family in the hospital?

Yes. Especially your mum.

If that's how you feel then you're probably best sticking to not having her around straight away. It is a very vulnerable time so you being comfortable is important. It might be hard for her to understand but you do need to put yourself first.

noooooo!!!!! Dont listen to this, its not how you feel

you have said this will be the first time you have insisted on being heard which says alot about the probable attitude of your mum - plus she isnt hearing - you need to jusge it on your relationship not other posters who have different experiences and relationships with their parents

respect who you are and honour that

Ugh. Why do people Insist on making a nuisance of themselves.
you're not being unreasonable but you do need to learn to be more assertive with her. How frustrating that she chooses now to pile on pressure when you are preparing for this crazy (beautiful but crazy) journey
It’s not good parenting of her, she is being both childish and selfish to lean on you like this. Say no!

There is a wide spectrum of mother daughter relationships. From super close/please be my birthing partner to I can barely tolerate you/you can see the grandchildren under supervision. Your choices and reasons are yours and yours alone op. You get to call the shots for whatever reason you want......

@tigerlilt - could you say something like - “Mum - if you aren’t willing to promise that you will wait until I’m ready for visitors after the section, we won’t be able to tell you the date of it, and you won’t know until it is over and done. I don’t want that, and I am sure you don’t, so I want your word that you will WAIT until I am ready to see you.”

I know what it is like to be excited about the birth of grandchildren - but my DIL and the baby were my first priority, so dh and I waited until she, the baby, and ds1 were ready for visitors.

Isn't it hard? You love her and she loves you and she is excited about a new GC.
One thing worth saying is that if you are having a CS her instinct will be to want to care for you ... you are her child... it is a basic instinct still to want to look after you, even though you are now adult.
I have GC and I remember how worried I was about one of my DDs who had pre eclampsia and an emergency CS. Trying to strike a balance between wanting to care for her and respecting her privacy was quite hard.
You can only decide what feels right for you and tell her in as gentle and loving a way you can if you think it might be hard for her to deal with.
But I think it would be kind to at least let her pop in and say hello to the baby.
You definitely need to have some clarity about where/if your mum will be staying.
My DDs had different wishes about how much they needed us around the births, but they all wanted us to see the babies shortly after they were born. I fell over myself not to intrude to the point where one DD got cross with me when I was about to slip away and told me to jolly well come back!
It is a hell of a difficult balance to strike!
Good luck with the birth and the new baby.

It’s your mum!!!!

OP, can you compromise here, and tell your DM that you absolutely do not want her coming to hospital, but once you’re home you’d be pleased to see her? My DD wanted to get used to having her baby before I met him, so he was a few days old when I saw him for the first time. That was her preference, and although disappointed, I respected it. It is a very exciting time, for you becoming a mother, and for her becoming a grandmother, so make sure you send loads of photos, but I think you need to set boundaries early in, especially if you think your DM doesn’t listen. I certainly don’t think it’s unreasonable of you not to want to see your DM immediately.

What would happen if you said to her something along the lines of “Look mum, we need to talk about you visiting after the birth, because you’ve made a couple of comments about coming straightaway, and that’s really not going to work for me.”?

Gives you an opening to lay out what you are happy for her to do. Tell her how important she is for the things that you really want her for and makes it clear these aren’t passing comments that may change, but are what you are going to stick with. It also gives her an opportunity to make her case for why she wants to be there. Help with a new baby can be invaluable, though if you don’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable around your mother, I can see why that’s not going to work for you. But even if you still stick to your initial idea of when you’re happy with contact, it gives your mum a chance to be heard. Just don’t give in for the sake of a quiet life. Say “okay, let me think about that.” And get back to her if you don’t feel able to assert yourself gracefully at the time.

At the end of the day, if you can’t lay things out clearly and have her respect it, there isn’t any way to enforce your boundaries and not upset her. But if she won’t respect what you’ve clearly stated, it’s probably more important that you hold those boundaries and let her deal with her upset.

I must say I find it strange that people don’t want to show off their newborn to their loved ones.

Send to be the fashion nowadays to exclude family. Seems a shame to me.

There’s a clear divide on here between those of childbearing age and those who are already grandmothers. We’re not in the days where men weren’t welcome in the delivery room and had no paternity leave anymore.
I’m with you OP, I didn’t want any visitors in hospital post my 2 births (was home within 36 hours each time). I needed rest without having to look less than half dead and help establishing breastfeeding without an audience. I also didn’t let anyone (except the person looking after DD1) know I was labouring as didn’t want the extra admin of “updating” those at home waiting for news. No one was remotely offended by this and it all ended up being a very happy surprise when both times we could phone (at a reasonable time - overnight arrivals) with happy news that baby was here and it had all gone well and “we’ll see you tomorrow but here’s some photos for you to enjoy in the meantime.” Don’t be guilted into something you don’t want, your feelings must come first and your mum is old enough to understand that.

My mum came to stay after all three of my c sections. She cooked and cleaned. She got me cups of tea and gallons of water with straws while I was sat under a baby breastfeeding 24/7. She looked after my other children. She washed and ironed clothes. She brought me breakfast in bed. She held my babies while I had showers. She was wonderful. I hope to do the same for my children one day.

This
agree it doesnt have to be all left to women now

respect your daughters wishes

amd to people who are acting aghast OP isnt saying she cant see baby - just not in first day or so while they are orienting selves

I had a CS under GA shortly after midnight. My mum and DH were there. Saw me and the baby. Next day my dad, brother and SIL visited. Day after, my grandparents came. However, I was happy to see them all.

Hospital can be easier to manage visitors. No need for you to host. Tell her when you’re ready to see her.

This is a difficult one for me. DS was premmie and I had an emergency general anaesthetic c section. My parents lived nearby and my brother and SIL 30 miles away. They visited Les than 24 hours afterwards. They were excited to see DS but their primary concern was me. Whilst I feel it is true that they had grounds to be concerned about my welfare because of the circumstances, I can't quite shake off that they would have been even if DS hadn't been so early. Additionally, the kind of support DH needed was in relation to DS and me. So what I'm trying to say is that if you get a visit in in the hospital or just as you get home, it should and will feel more about the welfare of mother, baby and father rather than seeing the new grandchild.

TBH her response sounds way over the top. She should be guided by what you feel you need which she seems determined to ignore. Tell her the due date 48 hours later. Cut yourself some slack.

I suppose it depends on what your relationship is like really - I felt like I'd been run over by a bus after my 1st baby but I can't imagine not wanting my mum there. She was thrilled to meet her new grandson but also wanted to take care of me!