To ask how to set boundaries with DM without hurting her feelings?

[tigerlilt]

So for a bit of backstory, I’m due to have my first baby via c-section ( for medical reasons out of my control ) in 2 weeks. DM lives 3 hours away and I’m really struggling to manage her expectations for visiting ect once he’s born.

Several times during my pregnancy she’s made commitments about ‘driving straight across’ as soon as anything happens and i’ve tried to kindly ask that we have some time as a three when she is first here, I thought she had got the message but on the phone today she said to make sure I let her know when I get my section date so she can come and be with me in hospital. I tried to kindly suggest that this would not be the case, and I would prefer if she waited until we are home to visit; she laughed and said ‘okay we will see’ and I just feel she hasn’t taken me seriously.

I just really don’t want any visitors in the first 24 hours, especially not in hospital- I hate attention like this and really just want it to be the three of us to begin with, and then have visitors in our own home when I feel comfortable.

AIBU?! I feel bad for my DM as she is the first grandchild so she is of course very excited, I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected. How do I approach this? Or maybe I am BU, is the the norm to have family in the hospital? I know some people would love to have their mums there but i’m just very private and want it to just be my partner and I.

Have you asked her what her plan would be? Do you tell her the date of your section, she comes to coo on baby straight after and then….what? I think getting her to articulate how long she intends to stay and where is the next part of this. Yes 3 hours is a long way to come but she might just be wanting to come get a picture of baby and the naff off a bit and then visit again in a few weeks

You have a right to your feelings and it is not your responsibility to manage your DMs. Just tell her firmly that you will let her know when you are ready for visitors but as you don’t have room for her to stay she will need to book accommodation for herself. She does not get the right to arbitrarily say when she is coming. I would not have dreamt of that when my DD had her CS. No it is not normal for anyone but your partner to be in the hospital.

Can you emphasise that she will be the first person you inform, but to respect your boundaries?

I think the issue is that it won’t just be an hour, it will be a whole trip for her, probably lasting several days.

I think those saying they couldn't wait to show their mum don't have a mum who steamrollers her way through life expecting to get what she wants, when she wants and how she wants. Because that's how your mum sounds about this, and it doesn't seem likely that prior to this she's been a loving mum who respects boundaries.

Her arriving would add stress to you at a difficult, challenging time. And it's clear that she isn't coming to see or help you, which is what many mothers do. She's making this all about her. However you choose to stand up to her her feelings aren't going to be hurt, her ego and sense of entitlement are. So choose whichever way of stopping her coming immediately you are most comfortable with. I know it's easier said than done with a mother like that, but you are perfectly fine to do it.

Sometimes older relatives have a funny idea of what it’s like now for new mums and babies. Modern maternity experiences are vastly different. These expectations mean they don’t understand the need for a little time for new mums and babies to be left alone to recover or even clean up.

Many of them had their babies at a time when hospitals were clean and better staffed, where staff helped clean up
mum and baby post birth, where staff helped with feeding and nappy changes at least initially, where mum was cared for and given pain relief, where unwell mums got help with baby, where staff would look after baby if mum needed to rest These are not realistic expectations now where the CQC rate two thirds of English maternity hospitals as failing and even where care is ‘safe’ it will be restricted to medical care with no caring social element.

Your mum can’t be in theatre or recovery. She’ll be very much in the way in the early hours while you’re monitored. She needs to leave it until called by your husband to say you’re ready to see her. And I wouldn’t have thought you’d want her seeing and holding your baby before you’ve had a proper chance to do so either. It’s not about her - it should be about what works for you.

i don’t think you should tell her she will wait till DH goes back to work etc, or even till you get home (may be a week and you may be glad to see her). Tell her you will phone her and ask her to come as soon as you feel up to it, but of course she will be the first one to see the DC. Then see how you feel and when you want to ask her to come. Might be 3 hours after birth or 30 or 3 days!
The ‘meet the grandchild’ thing is ridiculous. It’s not like the child is going to remember! And what is the difference, in grand scheme of things, between a baby who is 3 hours old or 2 days old? It’s not like they start to decay?! Incredibly selfish.

OP please trust yourself.

You know yourself and your DM better than any random bods on the internet.

OP is not saying her mother is unwelcome, she is asking to be able to recuperate from a surgery and a general anesthetic. Also the only space she has for her DM to sleep is a sofa! I am old enough to be a grandmother, which means I am old enough to have manners and consideration for other people's feelings and health.

Even the feelings and health of my precious babies. I got railroaded into doing things I didn't want way too often as a young mother.

100% this. You are asking a group of strangers how to set boundaries with your mother - so YOU don't really trust her.

Nearer the time I would give her a false date, it will stop her asking/demanding and will stop you stressing. You don't know how you will feel when you wake up from the GA. You may need a few days to yourself and you may just really want your mum. If so, you or your partner ring and says, 'Mum, they brought it forward'

The poster up thread said your mum sleeping on the sofa is not a good idea as you may want to breastfeed on there in the middle of the night etc. If the nursery is a separate room. Get a blow up mattress/cheap sofa bed for now. You mum can stay on that as new baby will be in you for for the first few months.

Make sure she is coming to help, not to sit cooing at her first grandchild whilst you run fixing teas around after major surgery.

I’d leave it as I’ll message you as soon as I can. 🤷‍♀️ Then message when you want her to come. I was only allowed one person anyway, there’s a bit of hanging around (for them). My DM did come but in hindsight I think she would rather have waited. It’s all pretty hectic and I didn’t have GA. You have a catheter, bag etc I was moved around a fair bit, I had to have a catheter removed, shower and dress before visitors (aside from DH). That was ten years ago.
It’s only 24 hours for god sake- just edit to say I think you said you want 24 hours to yourself… . You’ll be in a recovery room anyway.

I am wondering if she plans to help you or sit there nursing the baby though. Mine helped. I stayed with her for the first week, took my dog with me. It was bliss!

OP you don’t need to justify in your post why you’re having a section!!

I would want my mum to come to the hosp to visit but I wouldn’t want her then staying with me for days on end at home. Can she stay local?

The baby isn’t here yet, and she’s already deciding when she’s coming and how long for. You have tried to approach it softly and she hasn’t heard you. So be louder. If she doesn’t like it, then that’s unfortunate, but what can you do? You tried to be reasonable but she didn’t respond.

I don't understand it either! But we're all different I guess.

Yes I would say immediate family especially your DM it is the norm. Your attitude seems overly controlling, unless there is obviously a difficult backstory.

If you really don’t want her there, I think you will have to unfortunately be very direct, but it will probably upset her and be hurtful to exclude her at such a significant moment.

You will have plenty of time with the 3 of you.

What if you want your mum? Because you might.

You can’t without offending her, but if you feel strongly about her not coming to hospital then just hold your ground but yes, she will be upset. Personally I found it easier for in-laws to come to the hospital, as then it was more manageable than them coming over, and visiting was limited. My family were 4hrs away so had to wait. Did I want them at the hospital? No, but I accepted they were excited and sucked it up. But it’s your choice.

There very clearly is a backstory as the OP has mentioned her relationship with her mum is difficult. And you are calling OP controlling when her mum is the one who is disregarding everything OP wants to steamroller her way in?! Have we read the same posts?!

This isn't fair on all the people who feel differently to you. Human relationships can be complicated, surely you understand this?

Yes - most women feel like that.

But for many of those who have had sections, they often can’t easily see others for up to 12 hours as they are in recovery, moved about a fair bit, still having medical stuff done to them, left unwashed and blood and goo covered, having to express colostrum etc. And that’s before the baby stuff.

People can’t wander at will around the maternity corridors. Often you won’t know where they are. All staff are usually engaged and not on hand to direct relatives other than the two parents. It’s not ‘Carry on Matron’ like a lovely shiny 60s TV maternity hospital.

And if anything has gone a little pear shaped it will be even more tricky in the early hours.

It really should be a ‘ wait for dad/ mum to call and say when’ job.

I would want my DD’s to be able to tell me. Would you really prefer to trample all over their boundaries and them say nothing for fear of hurting your feelings?

My dm turned up at the hospital when I was in labour and wouldn’t leave, banked me into a corner where i couldn’t get her to leave without saying bluntly ‘I don’t want you here’, which i couldn’t quite do. She also wouldn’t let me push my own baby’s pram the first time I took him out of the house, and my dc is an adult now but I haven’t forgotten it. There’s no way I’d want for my DD’s to be unable to tell me what they needed or to take those special moments away from them.

Stick to your guns OP. DS was born in the early hours via emergency c-section after a very long labour. By the time he arrived, I’d not slept or eaten for almost 50 hours.

DH called both sets of parents at 6am to say DS has arrived and by 8am my mum and dad were at the hospital. I was a knackered mess, absolutely starving, couldn’t feel my legs, catheterised and covered in blood. DS was less than 6 hours old and DH had only seen him for a very short time before being sent home.

To be honest, it completely ruined that special time for us. I was in hospital for a week and my parents were there every day for hours. Mum would pull back the curtains if they were shut, exposing me to the ward when I was trying to breastfeed or simply rest. In the end, we had a massive falling out over it and it took a long time for our relationship to recover.,

Yesterday I had a minor, day case, procedure under GA (not maternity related). There is no way I could have coped with visitors at any point yesterday. Stick to your guns OP

You’re not being harsh. Don’t let a poster saying how lovely it was sway your view. That worked for her but you feel like you want time. I had a planned section and everything went fine, out the next day and recovery was great but it might not have been.

plus even if you weren’t having major surgery, saying “I want alone time as a three” is a valid enough reason to keep people away until you want them to come.

You could always say the hospital won't allow visitors because you had the baby under ga.
Plus I think people who don't have overbearing mothers realise she's not going to do anything to help,she'll probably sit there waiting for cups of tea.