To ask how to set boundaries with DM without hurting her feelings?

[tigerlilt]

So for a bit of backstory, I’m due to have my first baby via c-section ( for medical reasons out of my control ) in 2 weeks. DM lives 3 hours away and I’m really struggling to manage her expectations for visiting ect once he’s born.

Several times during my pregnancy she’s made commitments about ‘driving straight across’ as soon as anything happens and i’ve tried to kindly ask that we have some time as a three when she is first here, I thought she had got the message but on the phone today she said to make sure I let her know when I get my section date so she can come and be with me in hospital. I tried to kindly suggest that this would not be the case, and I would prefer if she waited until we are home to visit; she laughed and said ‘okay we will see’ and I just feel she hasn’t taken me seriously.

I just really don’t want any visitors in the first 24 hours, especially not in hospital- I hate attention like this and really just want it to be the three of us to begin with, and then have visitors in our own home when I feel comfortable.

AIBU?! I feel bad for my DM as she is the first grandchild so she is of course very excited, I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected. How do I approach this? Or maybe I am BU, is the the norm to have family in the hospital? I know some people would love to have their mums there but i’m just very private and want it to just be my partner and I.

Let her come visit you in hospital to see the baby. Just check she's OK with a flying visit . My dps and ILs travelled specially for a short hospital visit then went home. Was a 2-3 hour drive. They weren't there to see me and I was in a mess. They gave me my space.

How far does she live?

The trend of having no visitors is really selfish. Understandable you don't want her to stay at your house in the circumstances but I wouldn't block a new grandmother from seeing her dgc when they are just born.

Whatever you decide I do not think it should not involve lying ... e.g giving a false date for CS as some have suggested.

Double negative there! ...I am sure you know what I mean. Finding out later that you lied will cause much more upset.

Speaking here as a GM, hold your boundary firm now as this will give you a strong basis for the family dynamic going forward. Of course your DM will be longing to see your baby - your baby. It's a big step seeing your own child is a fully grown adult and gets to make the decisions here.

I've seen some of my contemporaries think they can march in and take over because they're still in mothering mode, lots of love and kindness but struggling to understand and accept the status quo. You and DH need to firmly and kindly set the rules.

FWIW I had a lovely mum, who respected our wishes, I've done the same when my DGC arrived and relationships have thrived.

My mum tried to stop me from ‘picking up the baby all the time’ as she would learn to be the boss of me/become too reliant/needs to learn to settle herself.. then in the next breath she was upset that I didn’t need her/thought I’d be relying on her support.

My mum was desperate to be involved, thinking it would be this great bonding experience for us all, that I’d need her. In reality I didn’t need thirty years out of date advice nor her opinion on what kind of butter we’d use or how slobbish it is to eat ice cream on the sofa…

The first four days of our ‘baby bubble’ was great. We didn’t call it a baby bubble, just the three of use getting used to being parents, eating pizza and snuggling our baby.

Can’t you make the excuse of not wanting others around to reduce any risk of passing any infection around a new born. Is your mum healthy? You may want time to grasp how to breastfeed etc.

Also OP, my mum was desperate to be involved in the birth. I had to tell her that she wouldn’t be allowed in if she just turned up (I don’t think she would have, but she was convinced that I’d want/need her). Labour ended up in an emergency Csection in the early hours.

We’ve had our ups and downs over the years. Nothing major but never been one of those daughters who needs their mums/she did rub me up the wrong way at times.

But, I did call her a few hours after birth and asked if she wanted to come visit. We needed some more supplies and as I wasn’t able to move I was worried about being left with DD whilst DH popped out to the shops. It was actually best case scenario. She stayed for 1.5 hours, cuddled the baby/changed her nappy then left when my dinner came. I think she then came to visit a week after we were all home but we didn’t feel the need to rush her invite as she had already saw the baby.

She doesn’t mind making you feel uncomfortable or hurting you by disregarding what you’re clearly saying to her about what you want and ploughing ahead with putting her needs first.

You’ll have to be absolutely clear now and tell her that if she turns up, she’ll be sent home. She’s earning her own hurt feelings by tramping over yours.

I once told someone how uncomfortable I felt setting boundaries and their reply was well you’ll feel uncomfortable not setting them so set them because they’re there then for the future and you’ll only feel the discomfort once. Very wise.

Just don’t tell her and give yourself 24 hours after the op. Some people don’t listen and you have to do what is right for you. But do sort out where she is staying! Ask her when the bay comes where will she stay and has she looked at Airbnb because you don’t have room.

I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected.

Have you tried to set boundaries before and been ignored? Or have you been conditioned to always do as she wants to avoid it being an issue?

I think if you have had issues in thd past then you need to explain to her that it is very important to you that she respects your wishes at this time.
The truth is if she doesn't, the affects can damage your future relationship.
If she wants to risk that, so be it on her head.
You don't feel 100% secure with her, which says so much.
Respect your feelings.
This is your time, not hers.
Of course she is keen to see the baby, but that does not come ahead of your ferlings, nerves, and comfort.
Have that hard conversation NOW.
If you don't you may regret it bitterly when she oversteps and you feel hard done by.

At it's core tge issue is your relationship with your mother.
In my experience those FTM who felt 100% secure in their relationship, really wanted their mother around.
Those that didn't feel it, wanted their partner.
What you want is your right.
It is a major surgery, so it is ok to want time to get your head around it all.

This is tricky. I have been in your mum’s position. My daughter wanted the calm and the exclusive threesome you crave. We did go to see her and the baby immediately after she came back on a side ward. This was agreed in advance. Be aware that planned c-sections can be delayed if emergency c-sections are needed. We left willingly after 45 mins. It was agreed we would stay nearby and wait to be invited round. Our home was 4 hrs away. No pressure at all. We were asked to go round on the second day she was out of hospital. It was lovely to help with the necessary daily chores. One morning we were asked to come round at 7 am as it had been a very long sleepless night.
You won’t know how any of you’re going to feel.
Your mom should listen and respect your wishes. You may well change your mind once you have the baby you are proud of.

I think you're trying to be a very respectful and caring daughter, but at your own expense. You need to look out for you now,

Once you have a child you really need to learn how to set boundaries, especially when it comes to fighting for your child over something in the future.

I can imagine a conversation you have with her as follows:

You: mum, I'm having major abdominal surgery and I need time to recover, so please don't come until 3 days after baby is born. I have DP who will do a great job of looking after me

DM: oh no, I must come to meet my first grandchild I'm so excited! I couldn't possibly wait 3 days

You: but mum, this isn't about you, it's about me. I'm having GA, I'm have a new baby. My c-section and my baby is about me and my family, it's not about you, I need a few days, please respect that.

DM: but but but

You: if you can't respect my wishes then I will have no choice but to not tell you the date of the birth, and I really would find that very hard because you're my mum. But you're pushing me to this.

And so on.

100%

I never understand this sort of response.

I adore my DD, but if she told me I wasn't welcome after a c section I would think that was perfectly normal - why on earth would any caring parent want to 1) muscle in on her child's precious first hours with their newborn, 2) muscle in on two new parents' time with their first baby and 3) do anything that their child didn't feel comfortable with?

I cannot get my head around it. Why would you want to spoil something that could be a really important part of your adult child's experience as a mother?

You may find that the hospital wouldn't allow her in anyway, with your partner there already - some hospitals have limits on the number of people they will allow in unless it's visiting hours (for us it was mum plus one, so if your DP is 'plus one' then your mum wouldn't have been allowed in except for during visiting hours).

It could be helpful for her to know this - as a PP says, she may be imagining hospitals operating more the way they did when she had you. My mum describes most people being in for several days (she was desperate to get out!), and midwives not letting you pick up your own baby too often - and lots of women had their mothers there. Whereas, these days, I think most people have their partner with them rather than their mum. It does vary a bit by area, but in the hospital where DD was born, I didn't see one woman who had her mum there. And of course you'll be out fairly soon, assuming all goes well.

I think it is hard when it's a first grandchild - some people respond with absolute shock to the idea that times have changed or their expectations aren't the norm any more. I am so grateful to my older brother who broke tons of ground for me on this one, by having his babies first, but I remember my dad constantly being absolutely outraged ('what, you're telling me I can't drive my own grandchild without a seat/after a couple of pints/ in the front/ facing forwards?!').

I don't think there is always an easy way to do it without coming in for some flack for being humourless/uptight/over-regimented ... but it's better your mum thinks you're caught up in some silly modern craze, than that she never gets the message that this is your baby and your way.

I found it ok having visitors in hospital. PILs visited me there and it was quite time limited I seem to recall, compared with when they visited after we were at home (but they are not good at judging when they've outstayed their welcome - they also sat there expecting to be made cups of tea etc)

All the grandparents were understandably very excited to meet their first grandchild.

Is your Mum a helpful practical type? I was very sure that I wanted it to be just the three of us when my eldest was born but then we got home and it was all quite overwhelming and I called my parents and asked them to come asap 🤣 My mum was amazing - she shopped and cooked and did so so much laundry. And they took the baby after late evening feeds and settled him so we could try and grab some sleep.

At the end of the day you need to do what's right for you, just sharing how for me, that turned out to not be quite as expected. It's hard to know exactly in advance I think.

She is your mum and wants to help and be around. I find it quite shocking you don’t want her there to be honest!

Have you never been vulnerable in front of your DM? You say your DH will be there to help, but tbh, he'll be knackered too, his sleep will be disrupted and will also may be grateful for an extra pair of hands in the early days. Also, the feelings you'll instantly have for your baby are the same your DM had for you, and still has. Plus a new GC is very exciting. I know I couldn't have done those first early weeks without my DM, but that's me. You might actually want your DM, and that's ok.

She does - just not when she immediately comes round from surgery

she can wait - the husband will be there to help as needed

Your mum has had her baby and her choice, this is your baby and your choice. Put simply you aren’t the same person and so you won’t always react the same way. The fact that she wasn’t listening when you tried to explain your wishes shows she’s making this about her and not about what you need.

In your shoes, I’d avoid telling her the real date of your section (possibly a week or two later if at all?) and I’d put in my birth plan that family members are trying to visit before you’re ready and you want no visitors for the first (at least 48) hours. I’d make it very clear to the staff on the day too. It’s easy to invite them if you feel up to it but you don’t want to be stressing about her turning up when you’re vulnerable and want to be focused on the birth.

I told people we wanted to settle ourselves first and then we invited them over when we were ready. This isn’t a race or some other form of competition to meet the new member of the family. They should respect your wishes. Good luck

Isn't it fairly obvious from the post you quote that the OP's mum's 'wanting to help' and actually helping seem to be different things?

If you have a mum who is helpful, that's lovely, and you are lucky. But not everyone does.

The last thing you need when you have a newborn is another person whose help is actually a hindrance.

OP please don't listen to the guilt trippers on here. How you are feeling isn't harsh or unreasonable. Everyone is different. This is about how you personally feel and she should respect that.

You will have had a major surgery under anaesthetic and then will want time to meet your baby yourself and have time just the three of you.

I've got two children and asked for a day or two to ourselves with both of them. My siblings did the same with all their children too. Everyone respected this but if I'd have had a whiff of them hinting they weren't going to listen to my wishes I'd just have not told them until I was ready.

If you will be given a date for your C-section ahead of time, I'd in your shoes add a day or two on to it when you tell your mum if she's not listening to what you want.

Newborn would be inyour room surely

Yes but it's kitted out as a nursery. I don't think the mother would enjoy sleeping in a cot.